Free Bird McPie

So it's done, with the help of Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior and Woof Woof, I am no longer a resident of this town, I won't go as far as to say it isn't home or anything, but I will say that I live nowhere right now.  I drove a 14' truck from U-haul to my now old apartment, to Fro NoFro's house, to the storage unit and back to U-haul all in a six hour period with Mr. Junior by my side the whole time (thanks Mrs. Junior for lending him to me, you scored!).  The ONLY thing that went wrong today was that the u-haul battery was dead when I got in it right after we packed the whole thing up (I say 'we', I don't mean 'we', I mean 'they'....although, my legs are all bruised and I can't explain it for the life of me).  Mr. Junior of course tried to jump start it with his luxury vehicle but the puppy was dead, so a AAA semi came, jumped us and we were off.  It was so smooth, the whole thing, I have moved a lot, but this was pretty good.

I was really freaking myself out thinking about how I would probably freak out as soon as we left the storage unit because that would be when all of this would feel real, I mean really real.  And I did freak out, well not really, I kinda just got worked up for a minute, cried for three minutes, and then I breathed and I realized that I was really ok with all of this, in fact I am really good with all of this, and then of course I got overwhelmed by the fact that I was ok and not freaking out, thinking that something must be wrong with me because I wasn't completely panicked and hysterical.  Well maybe less is wrong with me now that I am holding on to nothing, I am a free bird.  I do feel a bit too old to be this bird per-Se, but it is clearly the thing I need to be right now.

I said before that this town is still my home and I would like to discuss for a moment.  The famous saying that home is where the heart is is kind of a crock to me right now; I think 'home' is where your 'stuff' is....period.  Any of my parents might argue that 'home' is where your parents are but really that's just not feasible.  If 'home' is where the heart is, than I live all over the place........actually, I kinda do live all over the place, cause all over the place is kinda the same as nowhere, so maybe that wasn't the best example...I'll try this again.  If 'home' is where the heart is than I am lost...and the truth is, yes I have said I am lost  a lot lately but I am not, my heart is, but I am not (I am out there finding things; can't be lost if you can find things now can ya).  I know that I will be back here (in fact, I will be back so many times before I am actually back here that it is kinda crazy.....I'm like a jetsetter of sorts) everyone I love is here and frankly, this is where my 'stuff' is......see what I mean, home is where your stuff is I'm just putting that out there....

p.s.  Snoop, American Pie, Midge, Fres, Miami, Dishy, Karat, Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior and Woof Woof made this weekend so survivable for me.......I know they all have strange names but blame their parents..don't hold it against them.

Be Free McPie

To say that I am shaking is an understatement.  I would say It's like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal, but really it is probably more like having the chills, AND I haven't had a sip of alcohol since January 24th, not that I have quit drinking, but I know myself a tiny bit and drinking when I am in such an anxious state is not a good idea.  In just a little while, Snoop is coming with me to take Hot Body and Plus Size Model to their vacation home because I can't do this by myself and because she is wonderful.  I know my girls will be good, great in fact, they will have a yard, a house, and a wonderful woman who will let them sleep in bed with her (I don't allow such things, except last night I did, I needed to cuddle with them).  The BEST part, she will give them back to me when I return, I have to focus on that.  I have been pulling and tugging at them so much in the past couple of days, hopefully they are getting annoyed and want a break.

I had an awful unbearable broken-hearted unemployed homeless dogless freak-out about an hour ago which is why i am writing this very moment.  It was this feeling of make it stop make it stop do something do something do something, so I did, I started this new post (well first I actually made an appointment at the Genius Bar near the future Mrs. Junior because my mac is refusing to work with me here, always wants shit her way, and really, right now I need it my way).  I started this post hardly able to hit the right keys because of all this shaking I'm doing, and only two small paragraphs later, I feel calmer.  I'm writing away the heaviness and the insecurity and all of the chains.

Oh chains, you have sucked.  These chains, that I apparently locked around myself, are coming off bit by bit, and as wonderful as it feels to be freeing myself of them, it is also incredibly uncomfortable.  It's like my freedom and dreams and oomph have been atrophied if that makes any sense,  I have to actually relearn how to exercise all of them and to exist with all of these mysteries and opportunities in front of me, as a I am told I have a life outside of all of these things I am leaving behind for the time being.  Still terrified but starting to get excited, I must keep going with all of the things I must do.  The next time I post, I won't be here anymore.....I will be there, "there" will become my new "here" for a little while and it is going to be great!

p.s. I haven't had a cup of coffee since January 26th....I'm just saying...

Passionate McPie

I need to put my passion somewhere.  I have a tremendous amount of passion, and even if I give Mr. McPie as much of it as he wants and as much as he can take (get your mind out of the gutter people, well keep it in a little, its fun there), I still need somewhere to put the majority of what I have.  People always talk about how they have so much love to give, and I do have a lot of that too but I have great friends and family and spread that around just fine (again people, now you are just gross!) it's this insane amount of passion that I have and nowhere to put it.  Some people call this passion "energy", however, "energy" isn't specific enough for what I have.  You know those kids that start speaking really fast while jumping up and down and get louder by the second as they shake their heads every time they walk in the room to show someone some picture of something that no one can pinpoint?  OK well I am that kid, but I'm not a kid, I'm and adult and that excitement that passion still consumes me and I have nothing to show anyone because I didn't "draw" anything and now I have no idea how to let it out and frankly, it's making me grumpy. 

Sometimes I get desperate and I throw my passion into anything that will catch it, like recently, Snoop started working at a new restaurant, and its great, I love it, so I call people specifically to tell them about it and then I call Snoop 12 times an hour to talk about all these things I would write on yelp and citysearch if I actually wrote reviews and THEN I actually open fake accounts on yelp and citysearch and actually write the reviews I don't even know how to write AND THEN I facebook status update about this new restaurant that I love so much in hopes that somehow, my passion for making Snoop's new restaurant will somehow reward her as she is the hardest working waitress I have ever met and then I remember that even though she will make $264 in tips in just 5 hours, she likely walks with $65 because this new restaurant pools tips and now I am really pissed that I put all this passion into getting Snoop's co-workers a couple extra bucks that should have been all for her.  Situations like these are examples of what I call passion misplacement. 

So I keep thinking about what to do right...  well this week I considered becoming a life coach and then I realized how dangerous that would be, I would use my passion to cheer-lead people into their perfect lives, instead of using it to cheer-lead me in to my own, and then what...they go on without me...or they fail miserably with me...Both options suck for me.  These situations are examples of what I call passion projection.

What is happening right now is that certain occurrences are making it quite obvious that I need to get a grip here.  I tried putting my passion in to figuring out where to invest my passion and frankly it's killed a piece of my soul (I'm sure this piece of my soul is regenerative, however, I still notice that right now it is missing). 

I think there are people who are really great at having their relationships be the best part of their lives without smothering these relationships, I have an insane amount of envy for these people who I like to call "reasonable".  I need to be in a pretty regular state of feeling passionate to be my best self, I need to be inspired.  Bring it on world...I can take it!

P.S.  I totally stole "best self" from Oprah because frankly, if I catch her on tv, and it is one of her inspirational episodes, those moments when she has my attention, I am inspired...so ya, I want to be my best self in 2010..thanks big O (hahahahahaha I said big O)