I McPie, Oh Lover

So I am going to tell a story....it isn't my story....but it's a story that I will be feeling the effects of for quite some time....It's about Lover.  Lover has been my Step-dog for 2 months now and he is just amazing (He only tries to chew my arm off when he wants to play I swear...really amazing!).  Lover and Plus Size Model are in love and its hilarious and weird; Lover wants Hot Body's attention so badly he drags her around by her head until she gives in (shakes until she passes out from fear....he would never hurt her...on purpose); and Lover get so jealous of both of them when we are all snuggling that all 85 lbs of him climbs on top of me and joins in....it is heaven heaven heaven.  I jest but I really do love this Cataheeler, one of the best things I have gained from moving in to this house with Owl.  There IS something though, Lover is not good with cats.....the story begins....

Owl had plans to hang out with her friends Mr. and Mrs. Brisk...they have a young cat.  Owl was already out with Lover when it was almost time to be at the house of Brisk so she called to say she had Lover with her and would that be ok as he is not good with cats...Mrs. Brisk said her cat is afraid of dogs and would stay away so not to worry, Owl agreed.  For the record, this was a mutually bad decision between Owl and Mrs. Brisk, but when you are excited to see someone you don't think about these things.  Before you know it, it's 1:00am and I am hearing this story from Owl but she started from the end which is that the cat was stupidly hanging around and Lover chased her, grabbed her off a fence and locked her down.......with his mouth.  Owl and Mr. Brisk pulled Lover away and the cat limped inside.  The next day, Tuesday, Owl received a call from Mrs. Brisk to immediately call the vet who was treating the cat, it was bad.  The vet explained to Owl "Your Lover really did a number on this cat...the fact is the cat will never be the same.  Your Lover has caused complete muscular separation of the cat's front left leg and body.  It's just awful what your Lover has done, the cat will either need 8 months of physical therapy and then an amputation or we will need to put the cat down...but there is good news Owl, yes there is......Your Lover caused the cat such incredible nerve damage that she doesn't feel a thing!"  Oh Lover what have you done!!!  This is not good.

Owl hasn't had the best luck lately and this did not help at all, she has hardly been able to look at Lover for 2 days now.  I know it will be fine (not for the cat) but the fact is, a dog is a dog... and we can't expect even juvenile human obedience from a dog.  As a lifelong pet owner, it's easy to know how this can be forgotten.  Lover is one of the smartest dogs I have ever known, but he is a puppy, an animal puppy, a fast and strong animal puppy full of fast and strong animal puppy energy and sometimes a cat is in the wrong place at the wrong time.......well, sometimes Lover is too.

P.S. FYI, Owl rescued Lover 8 months ago when he was 6 months old.  She just spoke to the original owner yesterday and it turns out Owl spent his first 6 months on a farm killing rodents, and herding goats.......so maybe "Lover is not good with cats" is an understatement.....be at peace cat, we do feel really awful.

P.P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model would be upset if they knew I was writing about Lover and not them.......so how will I keep them from finding out you might ask?  People......they are dogs, they can't read!

McPie and the Woods

So again there is a gap in my writing, and I could give the excuse that I have been preoccupied with moving into my new house...oh yes, that's what I said....MY NEW HOUSE.....but that's not really why...I don't really like the way I have been writing lately and I have been trying to figure it all out.  I will talk about my NEW HOUSE for a moment....my roommate Shnookums and I have named this house...her name is Elgy and she is 100 years old and has kept in fantastic shape with very few surgeries I mean she doesn't look a day over 35.   Elgy is just lovely.  What Elgy is missing is Lady Shells, The Music Man, Biscuit and Donut but thankfully they are all very close...leaving them was so difficult I almost became a shut-in the last week I was there because I wanted to be that close while I could (I am only a mile away from them now and they have already been over to check the place out but it will be very different without seeing them everyday..I couldn't me more grateful to have them in my life).

Because I am still not sure what to focus on for this post I thought I would be a bit profound by posting some Stephen Sondheim lyrics that feel rather relevant to my life right now....If you don't know Into The Woods read this snippet and just think on it...

To be happy, and forever,
You must see your wish come true.
Don't be careful, don't be clever.
When you see your wish, pursue.
It's a dangerous endeavor,
But the only thing to do-

Though it's fearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though you may lose your path,
Though you may encounter wolves,
You mustn't stop,
You mustn't swerve,
You mustn't ponder,
You have to act!
When you know your wish,
If you want your wish,
You can have your wish,-
No, to get your wish

You go into the woods,
Where nothing's clear,
Where witches, ghosts
And wolves appear.
Into the woods
And through the fear,
You have to take the journey.

Into the woods
And down the dell,
In vain, perhaps,
But who can tell?
Into the woods to lift the spell,
Into the woods to lose the longing,
Into the woods to have the child,
To wed the Prince,
To get the money,
to save the house,
To kill the Wolf,
To find the father,
To conquer the kingdom,
To have, to wed,
To get, to save,
To kill, to keep,
To go to the festival!

Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods
And happy ever after! 

P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model have a new baby step-brother who is literally five times their size..he is projected to be 90 lbs....his name is Lover...he is to die for...When Donut (she is 5) left this morning she said..Lover is my friend, Plus Size Model is my buddy, and Hot Body is my doggy...I just thought I'd share

P.P.S Also, I am excited about meeting all of Shnookums' friends, I met one yesterday and within 60 seconds of meeting him he told me he was black, Jewish and recently broke up with a Little Person....I can tell there are new adventures ahead..:-)

No Fair McPie

So life isn't fair duh.  Nothing is fair duh.  I McPie is not fair, ask Hot Body and Plus Size Model.  Duh Duh Duh.  But still it really sucks when shit is not fair.  Now I am not going to post some giant complaint about why me this and why me that, I want to discuss, with reason, how some people have one thing while others have another.  Why the grass that I think is greener is actually poisoning it's owner (that was amazingly poetic, go McPie!).  We all have buttons and we all PUSH buttons and I'm not sure that life would be very exciting or entertaining if we didn't...I mean, it might not be frustrating and maddening either, but it definitely wouldn't be joyous and exhilarating (adjectives are like crack when I'm writing, I just can't get enough of 'em).

The thing is I can get through some serious crap..and I have, but I can put myself right back in the middle of it when for one second I think about how the experiences that were crap to me were just a bump in the road to someone else.  But there are examples where I was on the other side of it...like my first theatrical part (school play) as Wilbur in Charlotte's Web.....well it was such a big part for a third grader that we would alternate playing the role.  Now, I was always excited to have the lead, I loved every moment of it, I even remember my first line "I'm not fat, they say I'm growing nicely" (if you know me, you are rolling on the floor laughing right now).  Now the little boy who played Wilbur when it was his turn never once saw how awesome it was that he had the lead, he was just pissed that he had to share it and that he couldn't be Wilbur all the time.....I bet you he isn't even over it today and that in his memories I have devil ears (hahaha that would be awesome)...he probably never took to the stage again (until fourth grade when we forced to do the colonial plays).  My point is simply that I don't expect life to be fair, I don't expect people to have the same level of experience and emotion but I do, with every ounce of me, wish there was a balance.   Maybe if I was more understanding (and less proud) of the way my fellow Wilbur had felt, he wouldn't have acted like he hardly remembered me when we ran into each other in Boston 10 years later when I was feeling lost and looking for something to connect to.  Maybe balancing these feelings of life's unfairness comes with recognizing how NOT unique most life experiences are, how so many other people have been through exactly what we have and they are all getting along just fine.  Your bump, my mountain....our hill.

I have also come to realize in my 31 years and eight months on this earth that the people who generally claim to be the luckiest are actually the most miserable bastards out there;  the ones who seem to live in a sink or swim pattern (such as myself) generally have so much to feel lucky about they just can't always see through the muggy waters,  and the ones who claim to have no luck at all, need to change their luck themselves....starting with their thoughts.

p.s.  I highly suggest clicking on the link under the word "crack"...it's pretty genius if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Congratulations to American Pie and Water Boy, it was a beautiful wedding!! xoxoxoxoxo

p.p.p.s Oh Moscato, you sake me so good!

One Fine McPie

So today I began my new job as Upper Management in a corporate job/career.   How the what the huh? you might be thinking....well don't fret, I am thinking the same thing but let me tell you it is all fine, not great, not bad, it's fine........and yes this could change as I have only been there one day.  What's great about it really is everything from the hours to the nice people to the offices to the location to my ability to do the work and matter to the company.  What's not great about it is just that really who cares...it's not really going to change anyone's life.  So this middles out at fine and I am totally fine with that right now.  I can leave my work at work, that is what kind of job this is, I will not get emotionally invested and risk heartbreak at this job and that is wonderful for me right now and maybe forever (lets not pretend I haven't fantasized about taking over....this is me we are talking about)

One of the things about working in a corporate office I realized is that I need to dress like I work at a corporate office (currently I wear what is comfortable and I can bounce in should I be overcome with the urge to bounce).  This means no more leggings and empire-wasted sundresses, no more uggs and flats and no more "I love my out of control awkward I-just-woke-up after not showering for three days curly hair" (I cut all my hair off a month ago and when neglected, issnasocute).  Now people who know me know that I do not shop....well for myself....I hate it.  I take after my Mother this way (just to interject, my mother is stunning wearing thirty-year-old sweats, she can get away with this better than most people).  I wear hand-me-downs or the latest fashions from Tarjais or (my favorite) the fabulous pieces my Step-Mom gets me (I do believe we have an unspoken mission to teach me how to dress my age.....actually, it isn't remotely unspoken....I'd look like a Hobo half the time if it weren't for her).   Now my stylist (Step-Mommy) wasn't in town and I needed clothes for my new job so together we looked at pictures on the internet of the kind of dresses I should be looking for, I received my instructions and was sent out into the big mean world of shopping for women who have thighs and asses (one ass per woman to be clear......well I have heard you can have two butts if you absorb your twin in utero.............why is that weird?).

By myself, shaking out of my flip-flops, I headed into Nordstrom Rack where I figured I'd get so much more bang for my buck.  Thirty minutes later, my left arm muscles throbbing from carrying 14 dresses all by itself, I walked out of the dressing room, handing every single not-good dress (all 14) to the fitting room attendant, walked straight to my car empty-handed, drove directly home (didn't pass go) and passed out for two hours from overwhelming exhaustion.....I had specific instructions, had been advised professionally (If my Step-Mom isn't considered a professional shopper, there ain't no such thing), and still completely failed my mission.  When I woke up, the dream I had about showing up at my new job in a flowy floral tank dress and slippers put a fire under my ass and I was at Macy's faster than Plus-Size-Model and Hot Body ate the three-day-old hard-boiled Easter eggs I gave them after I had forgotten to feed them for 36 hours (oops).  Macy's proved to be a success, well Vicki the sales lady was the success AND she let me use the same coupon the customer ahead of me in line had used......double score!!!  I purchased a beautiful gray Calvin Klein dress (now lets see if I don't get too scared to ruin it....I mean wear it) :-)   

P.S.  I need to give my Mother some credit here for my awesome skills, she did always teach me the importance of staples in the wardrobe......like a great black dress.....I have TWO!  Thank you Mama and Step-Mama!!!!

A Doggy McPie Reunion

So today I am back home (well actually I got home last night but I was in too much a state of shock to write anything).  I am staying with friends so close I consider them family and on top of that they are also letting Hot Body and Plus Size Model stay here as well.  I picked up the pups today and it was like a scene out of a really bad movie where some children are kidnapped and their mother sobs about it for ages and does nothing but call people to see if they have heard anything while eating all the food her dear friends and neighbors have brought her because clearly the woman can't take care of herself while in such a distraught state and there are never any clues but occasional untraceable emails with photos of the kids sitting on current news papers until one day their is a knock on the door and its the children and the children cry and lick their mother uncontrollably while nibbling on her ears and running around in circles and returning to lick and nibble all over again and the whole time the mother just sits on the ground in shock and bawls; no one ever finds out where the children were and really who cares...it was a bad movie.  Anyhow I have my girls back and the truth is it feels wonderful, weird, and awful at the same time.

The unconditional love you get from pets is unmatchable, its just a fact, but you must be capable of loving them unconditionally in return even though they won't ever have a normal conversation with you (and by normal, I mean they have very short attention spans, they only ever want to talk about food, walking, and cuddling....so annoying).  Also, you have to be patient because you will often be covered in fur, barked at while on the phone, or awoken from a deep slumber so they can take a pee and/or poo.  Now I am aware I am telling you nothing you don't already know but these are the things that are currently making me feel awful about having them back.  Within five seconds of our reunion I was covered in dog hair and for the first time it annoyed the crap out of me, I have been dog hair free for five weeks and frankly, it was amazing.  The fact is that I hardly have patience for myself right now, and having patience for them seems almost impossible, and taking it out on them is the last thing I want to do. 

We have been cuddling all afternoon and it has been wonderful, I mean even as I sit here and blog, Plus Sized Model is curled up behind my butt (and by the way she has definitely gained weight, heifer) and Hot Body is sleeping on last night's pajamas as to make sure she can smell me in her slumber.  Maybe this is a test for me to be patient once again.  I have been incredibly impatient with myself and what I have been going through and maybe they are here to help me get that part of myself back.  Unless they are here to distract me so that I can take care of them instead of myself...in which case I will start making empty threats towards them involving cats, skateboards and boot camp (I wanted to say fat camp but I thought that might be rude and single out one dog over the other)...

p.s. I was told that they were incredibly behaved while I was gone ................ and also they picked up a humping habit........really? ladies please!

I McPie VS Clean Slate; I McPie slated to win HOLLA

So I have contemplated how to approach the next I McPie blog post, in fact I have written a few and they are saved as drafts and probably won't be posted.  I am in a really transitional stage of my life, one minute I am freaked out of my shoes and sobbing, and the next I am super excited about the idea that I am going to apply to a temp agency and to work at a coffee house and other odd jobs that will keep me busy in this new place for the next 5 weeks.  I don't want to come off preachy about any of the things I am realizing, and I don't want to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party cause I am absolutely not so it proves difficult to find the subject matter.

I realize now that we all have an inherent desire to matter, I don't want to matter because I make a kick ass coconut cake, which by the way, I do, I make a kick ass coconut cake.  We want to be significant and we want to be effective and we want to know that we have been significant and we have been effective.  We want to know that even though we have quit three jobs, given up our apartments, found someone to foster our dogs, we aren't being replaced as quickly as we got all of these things done (see how I say "we" but really it's all about me, see how I did that there, mmhmmm, just checking).  I don't want to be someone who strikes away from all responsibility and leaves town and it's really good for her, I want to be someone who does this, and kicks its ass! (side-note: SADE is on the Today Show in the background right now, anyone ever notice that when she is just talking she sounds like a man?  just checking.)  Back to ass kicking; I want to do this clean slate like a clean slate should be done!  I want to inspire others to start over, to take back control of their lives, I want to be effective (and no, I do not want to be a self help public speaker....maybe your personal cheerleader though).  I just want this journey I am on to be significant, I don't want this to be the story my friends and family tell my future children about the time when their mom went AWOL, this needs to be the story about when I became the person that I would be for the rest of my life, my best self, my most significant self, my most effective self.  This being said, it's time to see what is happening on craig's list today.

p.s. I heard from Hot Body and Plus Size Model's foster mom and they are doing great, in fact she sent pictures and it looks like they have adopted bull dog puppy......redonkadonk!

Be Free McPie

To say that I am shaking is an understatement.  I would say It's like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal, but really it is probably more like having the chills, AND I haven't had a sip of alcohol since January 24th, not that I have quit drinking, but I know myself a tiny bit and drinking when I am in such an anxious state is not a good idea.  In just a little while, Snoop is coming with me to take Hot Body and Plus Size Model to their vacation home because I can't do this by myself and because she is wonderful.  I know my girls will be good, great in fact, they will have a yard, a house, and a wonderful woman who will let them sleep in bed with her (I don't allow such things, except last night I did, I needed to cuddle with them).  The BEST part, she will give them back to me when I return, I have to focus on that.  I have been pulling and tugging at them so much in the past couple of days, hopefully they are getting annoyed and want a break.

I had an awful unbearable broken-hearted unemployed homeless dogless freak-out about an hour ago which is why i am writing this very moment.  It was this feeling of make it stop make it stop do something do something do something, so I did, I started this new post (well first I actually made an appointment at the Genius Bar near the future Mrs. Junior because my mac is refusing to work with me here, always wants shit her way, and really, right now I need it my way).  I started this post hardly able to hit the right keys because of all this shaking I'm doing, and only two small paragraphs later, I feel calmer.  I'm writing away the heaviness and the insecurity and all of the chains.

Oh chains, you have sucked.  These chains, that I apparently locked around myself, are coming off bit by bit, and as wonderful as it feels to be freeing myself of them, it is also incredibly uncomfortable.  It's like my freedom and dreams and oomph have been atrophied if that makes any sense,  I have to actually relearn how to exercise all of them and to exist with all of these mysteries and opportunities in front of me, as a I am told I have a life outside of all of these things I am leaving behind for the time being.  Still terrified but starting to get excited, I must keep going with all of the things I must do.  The next time I post, I won't be here anymore.....I will be there, "there" will become my new "here" for a little while and it is going to be great!

p.s. I haven't had a cup of coffee since January 26th....I'm just saying...

In Pursuit of McPie

So I have decided that I McPie needs a clean slate.  Now those who know me know that "clean" is not a word commonly used to describe much of anything in my life, I myself am quite clean, a HUGE fan of the bath in fact, also a huge fan of a clean kitchen, but most other things in my chaotic existence would hardly be described as "clean".  This slate I speak of is going to be spotless, its going to sparkle and shine and everything wonderful I can think of.  The only problem is, this slate is see-through.  I have no idea what is on the other side.  I have let go of my jobs, given up my apartment, and am sailing away (well driving really, sailing just sounds so much more poetic).  Where will I dock this ship you might ask?  I have no idea really.  However I have my first stop planned, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior is taking me in as she continues on her successful journey... because well, she invited me, and then insisted, and frankly it scares the Jack in the BeJesus Box out of me and this is exactly what I need right now....to exist in my fears, accept them, and move the heck on. 

Hot Body and Plus Size Model are sensing the changes ahead, and it isn't exactly something I can explain to them, I mean people don't necessarily understand what I am doing, how are dogs supposed to right?  There is a possibility that they will be joining me on my travels, but there is also a chance that they will be taking a vacation from me.  I am torn about the  role my mutts play in my clean slate.  I have never treated them or felt like they were children until I really started considering how it would affect my life if they weren't there every single day.  Many tears shed today over this one.  Plus Size Model could handle the changes, but Hot Body would be a mess tooling around back and forth with me and that would send Plus Size Model into a tizzy and the canine world in which I live would surely implode.....this is what I would like to avoid as I am trying to make this journey about me.  I think other people would be better parents to them than I could be in the next chapter and it is breaking my heart.  Plus Size Model, Hot Body, and Myself all deserve stability and it is my responsibility to find it for us.

In the Pursuit of my own smiles, I am keeping myself open to everything and everyone (accept for the Southern man who tried to pick me up on the plane this morning, I am not open to him, he almost convinced me to meet him for a drink until my dear friend Miami and I did a little recon and found lovely pictures of he and his wife online, so no, I am not open to this man....oh also, he tried to tell me the pictures I found were of his brother and then I asked why he and his brother had the same name and the best part is...he kept trying to get me to go for that drink even after that.  I don't thinks so Southern Man I don't think so).  Thanks Miami!

p.s. For every door that closes, another one opens.....and if it doesn't....open it your dang self!

Fly McPie Fly

Tomorrow morning, bright and 6:00am early, Mr. McPie, my brother  Fro NoFro and my soon-to-be sister-in-law Carat will fly back East to see my entire family for turkey day.  Mr. McPie has only met my Mother, Fro NoFro and Carat to date.  So this week he will meet my Father, Step-Mom, Mr. Mom (Step-Father), older sister Stoop, little sister Booty, aunt, uncle, and a slew of cousins....needless to say it is a big week.

Now last weekend I met Mr. McPie's entire family and it was amazing, couldn't have gone better really so there is a lot for this week to live up to.   What will Stoop and Booty think of Mr. McPie?  What will Mr. McPie think of Stoop and Booty?  My Mother, Fro NoFro and Carat all adore him already and I know that both my Step-Mom and Mr. Mom will be wonderful as they are both incredibly social people, however, I have never introduced either of them, or my Father to anyone I ever called my boyfriend and more importantly my Mr. McPie (I did introduce my Dad to my boyfriend senior year of high school, that boyfriend is out of the closet now...no I am not trying to make a correlation).  As I am a girl, I do get more nervous about my Father meeting Mr. McPie than I would other people; my Dad is not an intimidating guy by any means, but he is my Father and firsts are always scary.

Look, I am 31 and when I am talking to my Dad and say "we stayed at Mr. McPie's place last night" for whatever reason, I get incredibly nervous and embarrassed...like OMG my dad knows that I stayed at Mr. McPie's place and he probably knows what we did there!  I'm telling you, I feel like a child.  My nerves are swimming around my stomach like little chickens.......oh mygoodness, do you see my point?  I know that chickens don't swim!  Mr. McPie said I have been acting like a crazy person all weekend (I assure you he was sweet as pie when he said it).  I have tried to explain to myself numerous times that there is nothing to be nervous about (which is mostly true) and that I, McPie am confusing all of the excitement with nervousness, but for some reason, my brain is confused (and yes I mean more-so than usual).

I do have to go get emotionally prepared to take Hot Body and Plus Sized Model to Wiwi's house, she and Mr. Wiwi are taking care of the dogs for the week with the help of their two pit-bulls, one of which only has 3 legs.  Mr. McPie asked "will the ladiesbe ok without us for a week?"  my response "no"....we are still dropping them off..........

p.s.  I have yet to ever drop the ladies off without crying 10 minutes later........daddy issues AND doggie issues......I'm so super screwed!

Canines McPie

We have all heard that our dogs become reflections of ourselves, well I have two and the rule still applies. Hot Body is the tall skinny California girl in me and Plus Size Model is the short fat New Yorker in me. (I usually say tall skinny white girl and short fat black girl but I am trying really hard not to be offensive when the "black girl" part really only refers to the size of her ass and mine...oh and she's black). These descriptions don't sound so bad when I say them like this, but to me, and everyone who knows these lovable ladies, these labels have serious implications.

For the record, I LOVE my dogs. I do refer to their crate as Jail, but this is only because I know with all my heart that Hot Body and Plus Size Model do not know that Jail is a place where bad people go. I say "Time for Jail" and they wag their butts, one much larger than the other, and skip into their crate, its a beautiful thing.

Hot Body, tall skinny California girl, is unbearably needy, I mean I sit down to pee and she jumps on my lap before my ass hits the seat. I'd be lying if I didn't say I have, on occasion, indulged this toilet jumping behavior, even though I know how absurd it is... no matter how you look at it. She is 19 lbs of follows-me-wherever-I-go-and-cries-when-I-put-on-my-shoes-love. This poor girl has more angst in her than a high school valedictorian waiting at the mail box for her early admissions letter to the university of this-school-will-clearly-determine-the success-of-the-rest-of-my-life. When I make a noise, any noise, (a yawn, a burp, a giggle, a sniffle) Hot Body comes to attention and immediately stares directly into my soul to make sure I am alright. If Hot Body could get under my skin to feel my pulse at ALL times...she would find a way....I have explained to her numerous times that I am not biologically her mother...she isn't getting it. Now I am someone who desperately wants to know how everyone is feeling ALL the time. For example, it wouldn't bother me the slightest bit if every 5 minutes Mr. McPie shouted out things like "content" "perturbed" "gloriously happy because of how wonderful you are and how lucky I feel to have you in my life", see this way, I would never worry that maybe he hasn't spoken in the last 5 minutes because he is about to leave me for someone who isn't as full of angst and needy as I am (abandonment issues...but really, who doesn't have them). Hot Body has abandonment issues as well, by the way, as a particular mother-like relative of mine is the one who purchased them and then 1 month later decided they should go to LaLa Land to live with me, of course I was part of that decision, but Hot Body doesn't see it that way, she told me. The neediness in me is apparent in that I simply cannot be in a room with Mr. McPie without touching him. I mean sometimes we are sitting on the couch and he holds my hand, somehow that isn't enough, I have to cross my other arm over my body and hold his bicep with that hand, it even seems nuts to me when I read what I just wrote...oops. Hot Body and I, McPie, could be in the same group therapy.

Now Plus Size Model is an easier comparison, we have very similar senses of humor, we both have awful allergies and incredibly sensitive skin, oh oh oh and we both love to be massaged in the area directly above our giant butts. Most people would say that Plus Size Model is perfect. We are kindred spirits...I am sure of it.

In conclusion, If my dogs could blog...they would.

Who and Why I McPie?

As your average, everyday overly guilt ridden human being, i find it difficult to justify blogging without first apologizing and saying thank you for whatever time you spend reading this.

Now for the first order of business, I shall henceforth be referred to as McPie. I McPie am happy as a clam (usually this would mean something dirty coming from my mouth, but for now I am truly referring to the ever smiling shell of a clam) most of the time, I have hilariously morbid thoughts, and am a HUGE fan of run-on sentences.

Second order of business, my wonderful boyfriend will be referred to as Mr. McPie. It is true we are not married but he is the Mister to my McPie, and as he is currently the most frequently witness to my ever turning brain; he has earned this title twofold. What should be known about Mr. McPie is that, unlike me, every word he utters has been carefully thought out and planned. Where I lack in outside-voice-filters, one could say he has the perfect amount.

Third order of business is to mention my dogs, these little ladies will be referred to by their middle names, Hot Body and Plus Size Model.

Now that all of these little details are out of the way I should tell you why I am writing. Well the honest truth is that I am going bat shit crazy. I am 31 years old and i have no idea what I am doing anymore in terms of a career. I produced three feature films before turning 27, worked retail in fine jewelry, was the director of marketing and admissions at a private Jewish school in Beverly Hills, and currently a client relations manager at a food company. I have been all over the place and am completely unsatisfied at the moment. I am also currently a full time wedding party participant, In the next 8 months, I will be a Maid of Honor twice, a Bridesmaid once, and a sister of the Groom once. With all of this on my resume, I am completely lost. The thing that makes me most happy in life and the thing that I am really great at is taking care of the people I love. Now, if anyone can tell me how to get paid for this, I am open to suggestions.

Don't for a second think I am not aware of all of the psychological implications in this. I NEED to be NEEDED. Without feeling needed and necessary, I shrivel into a pathetic ball of wo-is-me depression, readjust my meds a million times, talk to my therapist more and my parents less, listen to too many ballads and talk to Hot Body and Plus Sized Model as if taking care of them is my only reason to wake up in the morning. Thank god for Mr. McPie, even though he is completely self sufficient, he indulges me by letting me clean the dishes and take his laundry to the cleaners, I kid you not he hates that I do these things (no he is not that good of an actor) but he knows it makes me happy so he grabs onto his neuroses, steps back and lets me do my thing (I am actually pretty sure he rearranges the dish washer when I leave the room....kind of makes it sweet). Many people may find this weak and pathetic, and maybe it is, but my desire to do these things is ridiculously strong and I HAVE to feed it. I am an AMAZING unmarried housewife....however, I am an AWFUL housekeeper. I do want to be good at cleaning but apparently I suck at it....I mean suck bad. I have many roommates from my past who would attest to this. I can tidy up well, and i never leave dirty dishes in the sink (HUGE pet peeve), but this "tidying" I do is not the same thing as "cleaning". Thank god for Roomba and the swiffer. I happen to be a pretty great cook and baker and I happen to be in a relationship with the one man whose heart is not in anyway connected to his stomach. So when i cook, its to have fun in the kitchen and experiment, not to make Mr. McPie happy when he comes home from a long day at work. Don't get me wrong, he appreciates my cooking completely, but food doesn't interest him the way it does most people (there are stories behind this that may or may not be told in the future).

So that was the long explanation to perhaps why I feel the urge to blog. The short answer is that I clearly need to start a new dialogue with myself about what to do next in my career or lack there of.....I am hoping that when I have all these thoughts on paper, I will be inspired by them..

p.s. If it wasn't clear, I am Jewish...Mr. McPie thinks it important that I share this :-)