I McPie, Oh Lover

So I am going to tell a story....it isn't my story....but it's a story that I will be feeling the effects of for quite some time....It's about Lover.  Lover has been my Step-dog for 2 months now and he is just amazing (He only tries to chew my arm off when he wants to play I swear...really amazing!).  Lover and Plus Size Model are in love and its hilarious and weird; Lover wants Hot Body's attention so badly he drags her around by her head until she gives in (shakes until she passes out from fear....he would never hurt her...on purpose); and Lover get so jealous of both of them when we are all snuggling that all 85 lbs of him climbs on top of me and joins in....it is heaven heaven heaven.  I jest but I really do love this Cataheeler, one of the best things I have gained from moving in to this house with Owl.  There IS something though, Lover is not good with cats.....the story begins....

Owl had plans to hang out with her friends Mr. and Mrs. Brisk...they have a young cat.  Owl was already out with Lover when it was almost time to be at the house of Brisk so she called to say she had Lover with her and would that be ok as he is not good with cats...Mrs. Brisk said her cat is afraid of dogs and would stay away so not to worry, Owl agreed.  For the record, this was a mutually bad decision between Owl and Mrs. Brisk, but when you are excited to see someone you don't think about these things.  Before you know it, it's 1:00am and I am hearing this story from Owl but she started from the end which is that the cat was stupidly hanging around and Lover chased her, grabbed her off a fence and locked her down.......with his mouth.  Owl and Mr. Brisk pulled Lover away and the cat limped inside.  The next day, Tuesday, Owl received a call from Mrs. Brisk to immediately call the vet who was treating the cat, it was bad.  The vet explained to Owl "Your Lover really did a number on this cat...the fact is the cat will never be the same.  Your Lover has caused complete muscular separation of the cat's front left leg and body.  It's just awful what your Lover has done, the cat will either need 8 months of physical therapy and then an amputation or we will need to put the cat down...but there is good news Owl, yes there is......Your Lover caused the cat such incredible nerve damage that she doesn't feel a thing!"  Oh Lover what have you done!!!  This is not good.

Owl hasn't had the best luck lately and this did not help at all, she has hardly been able to look at Lover for 2 days now.  I know it will be fine (not for the cat) but the fact is, a dog is a dog... and we can't expect even juvenile human obedience from a dog.  As a lifelong pet owner, it's easy to know how this can be forgotten.  Lover is one of the smartest dogs I have ever known, but he is a puppy, an animal puppy, a fast and strong animal puppy full of fast and strong animal puppy energy and sometimes a cat is in the wrong place at the wrong time.......well, sometimes Lover is too.

P.S. FYI, Owl rescued Lover 8 months ago when he was 6 months old.  She just spoke to the original owner yesterday and it turns out Owl spent his first 6 months on a farm killing rodents, and herding goats.......so maybe "Lover is not good with cats" is an understatement.....be at peace cat, we do feel really awful.

P.P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model would be upset if they knew I was writing about Lover and not them.......so how will I keep them from finding out you might ask?  People......they are dogs, they can't read!

A Whole New McPie

So I McPie am the same person I have always been but absolutely different in all the ways that don't matter one bit to you yet mean so much to me and my filled-with-opportunity-and-excitement future.  My life is wonderful (obnoxious), I am saying 'yes' to everything that I want (easy) and 'no' to so many things I never have before (shocking).  I am laughing....as much as possible......and I am angry....as little as possible.......sometimes more than others on both counts.  Fro NoFro and Karat got married and it proved to be nothing less than evolution for my family...the whole darn thing.....and it was monumental on so many levels, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I officially have my blond sister (I have been saying 'blond sister' for so long, old to some people, never to me...and shit, it's my blog).

Now what I really wanted to talk about is this amazingly hilarious and unbelievable thing that happened to me today that seemed the perfect way to start writing again.  So I went to the pharmacy today to pick up my crazy pills (I don't really categorize myself as crazy, nor do the pills make me crazy but somehow it seems that 'crazy pills' is a socially acceptable way of referring to the drugs that stop my anxious brain from blowing through my skull...I'm just saying).  I went to the pick-up counter with the one other item I had picked up on my journey and gave them my name so they could retrieve my prescription.  The pharmacist who I recognize from my monthly pickups looks at me and says "sorry, we don't have that in stock" and my reply was "oh yes you do, I called Friday and you said it would be ready today, then I called this morning and you said my crazy pills were ready for pick up".  The lovely pharmacist, clearly reacting to my tactical use of the term 'crazy pills', decides to go to the drop-off window computer and re-check.  She looks something up and then hollers across the room so that everyone can hear her, even in the section with Depends, "you are right we have them, do you mind if your 'CRAZY PILLS' are in capsule form?" (Her return tactics in shouting across the room to let me know I didn't scare her impressed me, this wasn't a pharmacist to mess with).  So we kept the 'crazy pill' talk going for an incredibly long ten minutes proving that not only do I own my anxiety issues but that she has no respect for them or my privacy...it was amazing...I loved it.  So I am finally ready to pay, I slip her my additional item and she holds it up and says "Can I get a price on this callous scraper?"...I almost died a little bit.........until it got even better....she hands me my bag of things-that-make-me-fabulous, doesn't let go, cocks her head to the side and says...."OMG, did you graduate Blah Blah High School in nineteen ninety blah?"....to which I had to answer "YES...and it was nice to see you too" and then I walked away and laughed really really really hard all the way home...

In hypothetical presumable conclusion, it is safe to say that there will be a large portion of my graduating class that will soon hear that I have gone bat-shit-crazy and have rough-skinned feet......life IS exciting and has a strange way of inspiring me to write again.

P.S. Bat-shit-crazy is an actual-for-reals term because apparently there is something in actual Bat poo that can make a person's brain go haywire.

P.P.S. Everyone puts out good thoughts for my friend OWL until I tell them they don't need to anymore k?

McPie and the Woods

So again there is a gap in my writing, and I could give the excuse that I have been preoccupied with moving into my new house...oh yes, that's what I said....MY NEW HOUSE.....but that's not really why...I don't really like the way I have been writing lately and I have been trying to figure it all out.  I will talk about my NEW HOUSE for a moment....my roommate Shnookums and I have named this house...her name is Elgy and she is 100 years old and has kept in fantastic shape with very few surgeries I mean she doesn't look a day over 35.   Elgy is just lovely.  What Elgy is missing is Lady Shells, The Music Man, Biscuit and Donut but thankfully they are all very close...leaving them was so difficult I almost became a shut-in the last week I was there because I wanted to be that close while I could (I am only a mile away from them now and they have already been over to check the place out but it will be very different without seeing them everyday..I couldn't me more grateful to have them in my life).

Because I am still not sure what to focus on for this post I thought I would be a bit profound by posting some Stephen Sondheim lyrics that feel rather relevant to my life right now....If you don't know Into The Woods read this snippet and just think on it...

To be happy, and forever,
You must see your wish come true.
Don't be careful, don't be clever.
When you see your wish, pursue.
It's a dangerous endeavor,
But the only thing to do-

Though it's fearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though you may lose your path,
Though you may encounter wolves,
You mustn't stop,
You mustn't swerve,
You mustn't ponder,
You have to act!
When you know your wish,
If you want your wish,
You can have your wish,-
No, to get your wish

You go into the woods,
Where nothing's clear,
Where witches, ghosts
And wolves appear.
Into the woods
And through the fear,
You have to take the journey.

Into the woods
And down the dell,
In vain, perhaps,
But who can tell?
Into the woods to lift the spell,
Into the woods to lose the longing,
Into the woods to have the child,
To wed the Prince,
To get the money,
to save the house,
To kill the Wolf,
To find the father,
To conquer the kingdom,
To have, to wed,
To get, to save,
To kill, to keep,
To go to the festival!

Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods
And happy ever after! 

P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model have a new baby step-brother who is literally five times their size..he is projected to be 90 lbs....his name is Lover...he is to die for...When Donut (she is 5) left this morning she said..Lover is my friend, Plus Size Model is my buddy, and Hot Body is my doggy...I just thought I'd share

P.P.S Also, I am excited about meeting all of Shnookums' friends, I met one yesterday and within 60 seconds of meeting him he told me he was black, Jewish and recently broke up with a Little Person....I can tell there are new adventures ahead..:-)

Who Knows Why McPie

So right now I have nothing in particular to write about, I just feel like writing so I'm gonna.  I think I'm just  gonna write about some things I did this week and maybe a few thoughts I had (the clean ones and the happy ones, I will leave out the ones that involved an old Camp Counselor of mine, fists and a spicy yet delicious crab cake).  The first thing I need to do is give a Happy Birthday shout-out to Hot Body and Plus Size Model as they turned 5 this week and don't look a day older than 4......yet on an upsetting note they haven't started pulling their weight around here and I am thoroughly disappointed about that.....I will deal with those feelings another day......meow.

Well last night Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior (sometimes I get exhausted typing that) cooked for a few people and we did a wine tasting to try and help decide which wines we'd be consuming in belligerent amounts at their upcoming nuptials...well in having this wine tasting we planned for me to sleep at their place as we knew there would be a great deal of drink involved and frankly there was a great deal of drink involved and it was fantastic.  I let loose for the first time in quite some time and perhaps my mouth let loose as well but really there is nothing I wouldn't have said sober I just tell things so much more hilariously once I've got a case of the Vino (and by that I am not insinuating that we drank a CASE of vino....well...I mean there were six of us, we were very thirsty).  And then, even after all the intoxication, The Juniors and I made it to Lady Shells' yoga class this morning (well I was there, maybe I was in child's pose more than usual but I was there and if you want proof, find me tomorrow, I am sure I will be walking funny).

I thought quite a bit this week about picking your battles and I don't mean with other people necessarily.....I think it is critical to wisely pick the battles you have with yourself......well at least the battles I have with myself.  There are things worth giving a lot of thought and attention, and their are thoughts that just don't deserve it.  The fact is I am changing everything about my life right now (except for my amazing friends) and this is not easy....really every single part of it hurts...like really freakin' hurts (sometimes I swear I can feel it in my uncus).  Sometimes I am happy and fine and smiling is super easy, like when I saw my Dad and Step-Mom on skype today (I haven't seen them or heard their voices in a while as they have been in France for over a month now and will be for 6 more weeks) it made me so happy I smiled big the whole time.  But other times, I will get a thought in my head that just isn't worth the time of day and that's just it, I have to not indulge the thought and chant new thought new thought new thought (preferably not out loud, I happen to know people will look at you funny like you have a screw loose or something......not from experience though).  Who knows why our brains choose to think about unsettling things, but somehow we have to retrain our brains into compartmentalizing a little better.  All thoughts have their time and frankly I like to schedule those times myself....and one day I will be super awesome at it.

p.s. I know I said I was going to talk about things (plural) and thoughts (plural) and I didn't do that but really I just don't feel like going back and fixing my thesis paragraph right now because it's after ten p.m. which is clearly much later than I am usually awake cause I'm 90.

p.p.s. The link under the word yoga is for Mr. Junior who almost touched his toes this morning WOOHOO!!

No Fair McPie

So life isn't fair duh.  Nothing is fair duh.  I McPie is not fair, ask Hot Body and Plus Size Model.  Duh Duh Duh.  But still it really sucks when shit is not fair.  Now I am not going to post some giant complaint about why me this and why me that, I want to discuss, with reason, how some people have one thing while others have another.  Why the grass that I think is greener is actually poisoning it's owner (that was amazingly poetic, go McPie!).  We all have buttons and we all PUSH buttons and I'm not sure that life would be very exciting or entertaining if we didn't...I mean, it might not be frustrating and maddening either, but it definitely wouldn't be joyous and exhilarating (adjectives are like crack when I'm writing, I just can't get enough of 'em).

The thing is I can get through some serious crap..and I have, but I can put myself right back in the middle of it when for one second I think about how the experiences that were crap to me were just a bump in the road to someone else.  But there are examples where I was on the other side of it...like my first theatrical part (school play) as Wilbur in Charlotte's Web.....well it was such a big part for a third grader that we would alternate playing the role.  Now, I was always excited to have the lead, I loved every moment of it, I even remember my first line "I'm not fat, they say I'm growing nicely" (if you know me, you are rolling on the floor laughing right now).  Now the little boy who played Wilbur when it was his turn never once saw how awesome it was that he had the lead, he was just pissed that he had to share it and that he couldn't be Wilbur all the time.....I bet you he isn't even over it today and that in his memories I have devil ears (hahaha that would be awesome)...he probably never took to the stage again (until fourth grade when we forced to do the colonial plays).  My point is simply that I don't expect life to be fair, I don't expect people to have the same level of experience and emotion but I do, with every ounce of me, wish there was a balance.   Maybe if I was more understanding (and less proud) of the way my fellow Wilbur had felt, he wouldn't have acted like he hardly remembered me when we ran into each other in Boston 10 years later when I was feeling lost and looking for something to connect to.  Maybe balancing these feelings of life's unfairness comes with recognizing how NOT unique most life experiences are, how so many other people have been through exactly what we have and they are all getting along just fine.  Your bump, my mountain....our hill.

I have also come to realize in my 31 years and eight months on this earth that the people who generally claim to be the luckiest are actually the most miserable bastards out there;  the ones who seem to live in a sink or swim pattern (such as myself) generally have so much to feel lucky about they just can't always see through the muggy waters,  and the ones who claim to have no luck at all, need to change their luck themselves....starting with their thoughts.

p.s.  I highly suggest clicking on the link under the word "crack"...it's pretty genius if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Congratulations to American Pie and Water Boy, it was a beautiful wedding!! xoxoxoxoxo

p.p.p.s Oh Moscato, you sake me so good!

Through All Space and McPie

So last night I had a much anticipated and long awaited thrice-time-rescheduled reunion with the most dear woman, Moscato.  Now I have hardly known Moscato 9 months, but we instantly connected when we met, yet had been recently separated due to circumstance and scheduling, so we were going on three months of not hangin' until last night.  You know when sometimes you just want clarity and you think you have looked everywhere for it that you could possibly think of and it still doesn't come?  Well I got clarity last night, who knows how long it will last, I definitely wasn't expecting it (In fact, I was expecting a post-Moscato meltdown) and it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but sometimes, the right person at the right time with the right voice in the right surroundings makes every bit of difference in the world.  The in-between-the-lines of our conversation was so much about control and uncertainty, two things every person I have ever met struggles with, it's just a matter of to what level and how we each deal with it.

What is the one thing in the world that we, as people, cannot control...everything (except for ourselves) is the one thing, the all things.  I cannot, could not, nor will ever be able to control the weather, or if I get somewhere on time, or Hot Body's barking, or sociopaths and narcissists (well all people for that matter, sociopaths and narcissists can't even be pushed around though.....no fun at all!), or whether or not I am going to be at this job forever.  The thing is, there are lots of things we can do to lead things in certain directions, and to persuade the universe to act in our favor, but the fact is absolutely every outcome is absolutely uncertain until it becomes an outcome.  And what does I McPie do with this knowledge....I McPie obsess, my mind spins, and I go bat shit crazy. 

I recently spent a large amount of my head space feeling completely out of control and uncertain of my financial stability and job situation.  As I have posted, this has now changed, I am working and should be financially stable until I get fired (just kidding, but some guy did come to work drunk on Monday, my second day of work, and got fired.....I would so not ever get caught if I went to work drunk, that guy was an idiot).  So now, this space in my feeble mind that was filled with madness, is now empty and free to obsess about other things, things like an animated version of myself committing violent acts towards those who have wronged and wondering how I could have done things differently so I could have been more in control of certain situations.  Now what does this get me?  Absolutely squat! It just makes me sad and angry and sad again.  And then I hear something from the brilliant Moscato: McPie, you need to relish these moments of sadness and anger, these are the moments that make all of the amazing moments in our lives feel so amazing. 


P.s. I have been doing this raw/clean eating cleanse with Lady Shells this week and OMG and if you don't know what quantum detox is.......holy wow my brain.

P.P.s I want to comment on my own comment about control and narcissists and sociopaths, these are dangerous people to get involved with (I have worked with, dated, and am related to some), these are the kind of people that cause hindsight control obsessions (you like how I am all clinical and make believe there?) a narcissist (A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem) and a sociopath (a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience) are different in one big way I have found, a narcissist wears it on their sleeve, they can't help but let you know how amazing they are all the time but a sociopath can be a sneaky rat bastard, they can be all sly about it until all of a sudden they can't anymore and BAM you have been fooled....sneaky mothers.

One Fine McPie

So today I began my new job as Upper Management in a corporate job/career.   How the what the huh? you might be thinking....well don't fret, I am thinking the same thing but let me tell you it is all fine, not great, not bad, it's fine........and yes this could change as I have only been there one day.  What's great about it really is everything from the hours to the nice people to the offices to the location to my ability to do the work and matter to the company.  What's not great about it is just that really who cares...it's not really going to change anyone's life.  So this middles out at fine and I am totally fine with that right now.  I can leave my work at work, that is what kind of job this is, I will not get emotionally invested and risk heartbreak at this job and that is wonderful for me right now and maybe forever (lets not pretend I haven't fantasized about taking over....this is me we are talking about)

One of the things about working in a corporate office I realized is that I need to dress like I work at a corporate office (currently I wear what is comfortable and I can bounce in should I be overcome with the urge to bounce).  This means no more leggings and empire-wasted sundresses, no more uggs and flats and no more "I love my out of control awkward I-just-woke-up after not showering for three days curly hair" (I cut all my hair off a month ago and when neglected, issnasocute).  Now people who know me know that I do not shop....well for myself....I hate it.  I take after my Mother this way (just to interject, my mother is stunning wearing thirty-year-old sweats, she can get away with this better than most people).  I wear hand-me-downs or the latest fashions from Tarjais or (my favorite) the fabulous pieces my Step-Mom gets me (I do believe we have an unspoken mission to teach me how to dress my age.....actually, it isn't remotely unspoken....I'd look like a Hobo half the time if it weren't for her).   Now my stylist (Step-Mommy) wasn't in town and I needed clothes for my new job so together we looked at pictures on the internet of the kind of dresses I should be looking for, I received my instructions and was sent out into the big mean world of shopping for women who have thighs and asses (one ass per woman to be clear......well I have heard you can have two butts if you absorb your twin in utero.............why is that weird?).

By myself, shaking out of my flip-flops, I headed into Nordstrom Rack where I figured I'd get so much more bang for my buck.  Thirty minutes later, my left arm muscles throbbing from carrying 14 dresses all by itself, I walked out of the dressing room, handing every single not-good dress (all 14) to the fitting room attendant, walked straight to my car empty-handed, drove directly home (didn't pass go) and passed out for two hours from overwhelming exhaustion.....I had specific instructions, had been advised professionally (If my Step-Mom isn't considered a professional shopper, there ain't no such thing), and still completely failed my mission.  When I woke up, the dream I had about showing up at my new job in a flowy floral tank dress and slippers put a fire under my ass and I was at Macy's faster than Plus-Size-Model and Hot Body ate the three-day-old hard-boiled Easter eggs I gave them after I had forgotten to feed them for 36 hours (oops).  Macy's proved to be a success, well Vicki the sales lady was the success AND she let me use the same coupon the customer ahead of me in line had used......double score!!!  I purchased a beautiful gray Calvin Klein dress (now lets see if I don't get too scared to ruin it....I mean wear it) :-)   

P.S.  I need to give my Mother some credit here for my awesome skills, she did always teach me the importance of staples in the wardrobe......like a great black dress.....I have TWO!  Thank you Mama and Step-Mama!!!!

McPie is Changing Colors

So again it has been a while since I have posted anything.  The truth is, I McPie have been blue.  I have been home for some time now and it looks like I will be staying here.  If I leave again, I feel as though I will simply be postponing the feelings I am experiencing now and that is just no good I tell you.  So here I am, dealing with the reality of my life, trying to turn blue into bright yellow or orange or something that glows so brightly it gives off heat.

Since I have been home I have participated in a couple bridal showers, finished a class, seen most of my friends AND family, applied and interviewed for jobs (which clearly I will do until the right one makes a decent offer and by decent  I mean any) and I have even been rollerblading at the beach and now, other than job searching, I don't know how to fill my time.  I SHOULD be writing again as I haven't since I have been home (this is my start) and I SHOULD be participating in more physical activities (I am actually sick so this will wait a few more days).  Fro NoFro has recently started working at my new favorite coffee shop with free wireless, so while I have the time, I do intend to go there everyday and write (not just blogging, do not fret, I promise not to overwhelm your inboxes) whether he is working or not.  In terms of exercise, I could be going to all of Lady Shells' classes but I am having issues with the building that houses most of these classes, I know that sounds nuts, but better to be mad at a building than an entire community of people capiche? Honestly though there are many forms of exercise as we all know and I am walking distance from my gym so really I have no excuse.... but I sure do know how to make 'em!

Anyhoodeehoo....with all of this time I have had ample time to think and reflect, somehow it's different than the thinking and reflecting I was doing when I was out of town, as that reflecting was more recent past and this reflecting seems to be more distant past when really the only thing I NEED to and WANT to be thinking about is my present and my future.  There are occurrences that took place in my life a couple months ago that I won't talk about here but these happenings effected my ability to see my own future...in fact I can't even think about it half of the time.  A few months ago, I was sure I knew what my future looked like, not every detail of course, but I believed that things I had always wanted I would have, I was sure of it.  It's not that I think these things are out of the question for my future, but there is no way for me to be sure about them at this moment.  The thing is, for most of my life I was so scared I would never have what I always wanted, then everything I wanted was dangled in front of my face and it was amazing...until of course it wasn't anymore, and then, in the most despicable way, that dangling future was gone.....and guess what......it will be fine, but somehow, I have to have faith that I will have all the things I want and dream of again....it's just really hard to see it now and that is what I am working on and that's why I am a bit blue (picture a turquoise blue, it really brings out my eyes and the red in my hair).


P.S.  I changed the look of my blog in hopes that if I McPie am orange and yellow than I will actually become orange and yellow (I don't actually believe in this color crap, I am just trying to keep my chin up)