McPie and the Woods

So again there is a gap in my writing, and I could give the excuse that I have been preoccupied with moving into my new house...oh yes, that's what I said....MY NEW HOUSE.....but that's not really why...I don't really like the way I have been writing lately and I have been trying to figure it all out.  I will talk about my NEW HOUSE for a moment....my roommate Shnookums and I have named this house...her name is Elgy and she is 100 years old and has kept in fantastic shape with very few surgeries I mean she doesn't look a day over 35.   Elgy is just lovely.  What Elgy is missing is Lady Shells, The Music Man, Biscuit and Donut but thankfully they are all very close...leaving them was so difficult I almost became a shut-in the last week I was there because I wanted to be that close while I could (I am only a mile away from them now and they have already been over to check the place out but it will be very different without seeing them everyday..I couldn't me more grateful to have them in my life).

Because I am still not sure what to focus on for this post I thought I would be a bit profound by posting some Stephen Sondheim lyrics that feel rather relevant to my life right now....If you don't know Into The Woods read this snippet and just think on it...

To be happy, and forever,
You must see your wish come true.
Don't be careful, don't be clever.
When you see your wish, pursue.
It's a dangerous endeavor,
But the only thing to do-

Though it's fearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though you may lose your path,
Though you may encounter wolves,
You mustn't stop,
You mustn't swerve,
You mustn't ponder,
You have to act!
When you know your wish,
If you want your wish,
You can have your wish,-
No, to get your wish

You go into the woods,
Where nothing's clear,
Where witches, ghosts
And wolves appear.
Into the woods
And through the fear,
You have to take the journey.

Into the woods
And down the dell,
In vain, perhaps,
But who can tell?
Into the woods to lift the spell,
Into the woods to lose the longing,
Into the woods to have the child,
To wed the Prince,
To get the money,
to save the house,
To kill the Wolf,
To find the father,
To conquer the kingdom,
To have, to wed,
To get, to save,
To kill, to keep,
To go to the festival!

Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods
And happy ever after! 

P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model have a new baby step-brother who is literally five times their size..he is projected to be 90 lbs....his name is Lover...he is to die for...When Donut (she is 5) left this morning she said..Lover is my friend, Plus Size Model is my buddy, and Hot Body is my doggy...I just thought I'd share

P.P.S Also, I am excited about meeting all of Shnookums' friends, I met one yesterday and within 60 seconds of meeting him he told me he was black, Jewish and recently broke up with a Little Person....I can tell there are new adventures ahead..:-)

Who Knows Why McPie

So right now I have nothing in particular to write about, I just feel like writing so I'm gonna.  I think I'm just  gonna write about some things I did this week and maybe a few thoughts I had (the clean ones and the happy ones, I will leave out the ones that involved an old Camp Counselor of mine, fists and a spicy yet delicious crab cake).  The first thing I need to do is give a Happy Birthday shout-out to Hot Body and Plus Size Model as they turned 5 this week and don't look a day older than 4......yet on an upsetting note they haven't started pulling their weight around here and I am thoroughly disappointed about that.....I will deal with those feelings another day......meow.

Well last night Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior (sometimes I get exhausted typing that) cooked for a few people and we did a wine tasting to try and help decide which wines we'd be consuming in belligerent amounts at their upcoming nuptials...well in having this wine tasting we planned for me to sleep at their place as we knew there would be a great deal of drink involved and frankly there was a great deal of drink involved and it was fantastic.  I let loose for the first time in quite some time and perhaps my mouth let loose as well but really there is nothing I wouldn't have said sober I just tell things so much more hilariously once I've got a case of the Vino (and by that I am not insinuating that we drank a CASE of vino....well...I mean there were six of us, we were very thirsty).  And then, even after all the intoxication, The Juniors and I made it to Lady Shells' yoga class this morning (well I was there, maybe I was in child's pose more than usual but I was there and if you want proof, find me tomorrow, I am sure I will be walking funny).

I thought quite a bit this week about picking your battles and I don't mean with other people necessarily.....I think it is critical to wisely pick the battles you have with yourself......well at least the battles I have with myself.  There are things worth giving a lot of thought and attention, and their are thoughts that just don't deserve it.  The fact is I am changing everything about my life right now (except for my amazing friends) and this is not easy....really every single part of it hurts...like really freakin' hurts (sometimes I swear I can feel it in my uncus).  Sometimes I am happy and fine and smiling is super easy, like when I saw my Dad and Step-Mom on skype today (I haven't seen them or heard their voices in a while as they have been in France for over a month now and will be for 6 more weeks) it made me so happy I smiled big the whole time.  But other times, I will get a thought in my head that just isn't worth the time of day and that's just it, I have to not indulge the thought and chant new thought new thought new thought (preferably not out loud, I happen to know people will look at you funny like you have a screw loose or something......not from experience though).  Who knows why our brains choose to think about unsettling things, but somehow we have to retrain our brains into compartmentalizing a little better.  All thoughts have their time and frankly I like to schedule those times myself....and one day I will be super awesome at it.

p.s. I know I said I was going to talk about things (plural) and thoughts (plural) and I didn't do that but really I just don't feel like going back and fixing my thesis paragraph right now because it's after ten p.m. which is clearly much later than I am usually awake cause I'm 90.

p.p.s. The link under the word yoga is for Mr. Junior who almost touched his toes this morning WOOHOO!!

McPie is a Joiner

So recently I have realized that I really need to step it up in my social life...my social life is not going to just boost itself so I have to take control of it....how does one lift a social life to the next level I have asked myself and I have realized two things.  The first is that it is a slow process and you must be patient and the second is that you need to tell people you are looking to be more socially active (watch out for just saying active, that might end you up inappropriately dressed on a ten mile hike) no matter how weird that seems.  What I do know is that I am not one to be like hey lets go to a bar because well there are people there and we can get drunk! (unless of course it is with Miami and the posse she claims she doesn't have).  But other than that, there isn't much I won't check out these days, I have decided to be a Joiner...I mean why not....I have always been a huge fan of organized camaraderie (I tried to start a knitting club once, I was the only one who showed up to the first two meetings...ya I canceled that club).

A friend of mine, The Stigma, and I had brunch a few weeks ago downtown and discussed how to inspire/force each other to be more active in our own lives and so far we have put some things on the books that we discussed as to hold each other accountable.  This week we are joining a 12 week meet-weekly-goals program for awesome-chicks-who-need-to-remind-themselves-how-awesome-they are (I imagine that at the very least, The Stigma and I will either feel very accomplished or turn into each others worst bully) AND we are going to cooking class (it's one of those classes where as soon as you are done with the knives they bust open the wine...stoked on this one)....I would say this is a darn good start and I'm not even done.  Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior and I have been taking a yoga class taught by Lady Shells every Sunday morning (Mr. Junior may not be able to touch his toes, but he does some mean frog pose I tell ya....mmmmrrrrrrribbiiiitttt) and there are other things I have been doing as well that I will keep secret...well just because I want to see if I can keep my own secret.

The thing is, I have always sort of stuck my nose up at any sort of regular organized group situation that had anything to do with bettering anything and the fact is that is probably a clear indication that I need it.  I want to be as secure by myself as I am in a room full of people.  I know how bass ackwards that sounds but it is true.  When I started this blog, my future seemed pretty clear to me and it isn't anymore....HOWEVER...that is just fine (most of the time)!  Even though it isn't always the most comfortable, I would rather join the world that is living around me, than shut myself away and do only the things I know are secure....because right now that isn't enough....and I don't think it ever should or will be.  If I was a dude, I would tell you that right now it is time for me to grow a pair.....too bad I'm not a dude.

p.s. I lied when I said there isn't much I won't check out...there are a lot of things I absolutely won't check out..... 1) Organized roller coaster fanatics 2) Swimming with sharks 3) Save the rain forests...too much discussion of bananas 4) The Young Republicans and 5) any sort of event where Mini-Me might show up (probably should have been #1)

Through All Space and McPie

So last night I had a much anticipated and long awaited thrice-time-rescheduled reunion with the most dear woman, Moscato.  Now I have hardly known Moscato 9 months, but we instantly connected when we met, yet had been recently separated due to circumstance and scheduling, so we were going on three months of not hangin' until last night.  You know when sometimes you just want clarity and you think you have looked everywhere for it that you could possibly think of and it still doesn't come?  Well I got clarity last night, who knows how long it will last, I definitely wasn't expecting it (In fact, I was expecting a post-Moscato meltdown) and it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but sometimes, the right person at the right time with the right voice in the right surroundings makes every bit of difference in the world.  The in-between-the-lines of our conversation was so much about control and uncertainty, two things every person I have ever met struggles with, it's just a matter of to what level and how we each deal with it.

What is the one thing in the world that we, as people, cannot control...everything (except for ourselves) is the one thing, the all things.  I cannot, could not, nor will ever be able to control the weather, or if I get somewhere on time, or Hot Body's barking, or sociopaths and narcissists (well all people for that matter, sociopaths and narcissists can't even be pushed around though.....no fun at all!), or whether or not I am going to be at this job forever.  The thing is, there are lots of things we can do to lead things in certain directions, and to persuade the universe to act in our favor, but the fact is absolutely every outcome is absolutely uncertain until it becomes an outcome.  And what does I McPie do with this knowledge....I McPie obsess, my mind spins, and I go bat shit crazy. 

I recently spent a large amount of my head space feeling completely out of control and uncertain of my financial stability and job situation.  As I have posted, this has now changed, I am working and should be financially stable until I get fired (just kidding, but some guy did come to work drunk on Monday, my second day of work, and got fired.....I would so not ever get caught if I went to work drunk, that guy was an idiot).  So now, this space in my feeble mind that was filled with madness, is now empty and free to obsess about other things, things like an animated version of myself committing violent acts towards those who have wronged and wondering how I could have done things differently so I could have been more in control of certain situations.  Now what does this get me?  Absolutely squat! It just makes me sad and angry and sad again.  And then I hear something from the brilliant Moscato: McPie, you need to relish these moments of sadness and anger, these are the moments that make all of the amazing moments in our lives feel so amazing. 


P.s. I have been doing this raw/clean eating cleanse with Lady Shells this week and OMG and if you don't know what quantum detox is.......holy wow my brain.

P.P.s I want to comment on my own comment about control and narcissists and sociopaths, these are dangerous people to get involved with (I have worked with, dated, and am related to some), these are the kind of people that cause hindsight control obsessions (you like how I am all clinical and make believe there?) a narcissist (A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem) and a sociopath (a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience) are different in one big way I have found, a narcissist wears it on their sleeve, they can't help but let you know how amazing they are all the time but a sociopath can be a sneaky rat bastard, they can be all sly about it until all of a sudden they can't anymore and BAM you have been fooled....sneaky mothers.

McPie is Changing Colors

So again it has been a while since I have posted anything.  The truth is, I McPie have been blue.  I have been home for some time now and it looks like I will be staying here.  If I leave again, I feel as though I will simply be postponing the feelings I am experiencing now and that is just no good I tell you.  So here I am, dealing with the reality of my life, trying to turn blue into bright yellow or orange or something that glows so brightly it gives off heat.

Since I have been home I have participated in a couple bridal showers, finished a class, seen most of my friends AND family, applied and interviewed for jobs (which clearly I will do until the right one makes a decent offer and by decent  I mean any) and I have even been rollerblading at the beach and now, other than job searching, I don't know how to fill my time.  I SHOULD be writing again as I haven't since I have been home (this is my start) and I SHOULD be participating in more physical activities (I am actually sick so this will wait a few more days).  Fro NoFro has recently started working at my new favorite coffee shop with free wireless, so while I have the time, I do intend to go there everyday and write (not just blogging, do not fret, I promise not to overwhelm your inboxes) whether he is working or not.  In terms of exercise, I could be going to all of Lady Shells' classes but I am having issues with the building that houses most of these classes, I know that sounds nuts, but better to be mad at a building than an entire community of people capiche? Honestly though there are many forms of exercise as we all know and I am walking distance from my gym so really I have no excuse.... but I sure do know how to make 'em!

Anyhoodeehoo....with all of this time I have had ample time to think and reflect, somehow it's different than the thinking and reflecting I was doing when I was out of town, as that reflecting was more recent past and this reflecting seems to be more distant past when really the only thing I NEED to and WANT to be thinking about is my present and my future.  There are occurrences that took place in my life a couple months ago that I won't talk about here but these happenings effected my ability to see my own future...in fact I can't even think about it half of the time.  A few months ago, I was sure I knew what my future looked like, not every detail of course, but I believed that things I had always wanted I would have, I was sure of it.  It's not that I think these things are out of the question for my future, but there is no way for me to be sure about them at this moment.  The thing is, for most of my life I was so scared I would never have what I always wanted, then everything I wanted was dangled in front of my face and it was amazing...until of course it wasn't anymore, and then, in the most despicable way, that dangling future was gone.....and guess what......it will be fine, but somehow, I have to have faith that I will have all the things I want and dream of again....it's just really hard to see it now and that is what I am working on and that's why I am a bit blue (picture a turquoise blue, it really brings out my eyes and the red in my hair).


P.S.  I changed the look of my blog in hopes that if I McPie am orange and yellow than I will actually become orange and yellow (I don't actually believe in this color crap, I am just trying to keep my chin up)

Will You Be My Mother McPie

I must talk about a wonderful family who have become as special to me as my own family.  Lady Shells and Mr. Music were given my number when their first daughter, Biscuit, was 6 months old as they needed a part-time sitter.   Here we are 8 years later, they have a 2nd daughter, Doughnut, who is 4 1/2.  I babysit whenever I can which is hardly ever these days, so mostly I just go over for dinner or to hang out whenever we can make it work.  I have only ever missed one of the girls' school performances or recitals and that can be blamed on the most awful traffic.  This family means the world to me and each one of them is a critical part of the development of McPie.

This brings me to the point of today's blog, last night we celebrated the 4th night of Hanukkah together, it was AMAZING!  The story begins after candle lighting, I was sitting on the couch with Mr. Music when Doughnut sauntered up and in the most adorable voice says "Lysa (lie-su) can I be your sweetie?" and as my heart melted I replied "you already are my sweetie" then Doughnut says "no Lysa, I want you to be my mom...". Mr. Music and I almost died trying to hold back the laughter that would inevitably offend the 4 year old.  Lady Shells is listening from the open kitchen and we all understood the innocence and sweetness of this.  When I McPie am there at the house, we all get so excited because we don't get to all be together as much as we used to so everyone is on their best behavior (including myself) and kids don't get in trouble as often and there is an additional adult in the room to watch their shows and help open their presents and so on.  Basically this interaction was perfect.  I constantly have this fear that if I go too long without seeing them (by too long I mean 2 weeks), the kids won't be as fond of me so to speak, so it's conversations like the one I had with Doughnut that remind me how bonded I am to these kids. 

The story continues but it skips forward about 30 minutes.  Everyone is still having a great time, Biscuit and Doughnut opened a couple presents each and then it was my turn to give the family a gift from Mr. McPie and me.  Biscuit turns to attention wearing her new purple gingham fedora and Doughnut walks a little closer to me so she is within arms reach.  I tell them that my gift is to give Lady Shells and Mr. Music a date night while Mr. McPie and I take Biscuit and Doughnut on a date of our own to a pizza place, then an ice cream shop then to either rent a movie or go to a movie.  Biscuit lights up, I mean she is going to have a grown-up night out, how awesome is that.  And just as I begin feeling like wow how totally successful is this gift, I turn to Doughnut whose bottom lip is jutting out as it swallows her upper lip, and her eyes scrunch together and the wailing begins.  "Oh my god Doughnut, what is wrong?" I say.  She replies "That's not the kind of present I wanted, I want a present I can touch." At this point, 4 year old fatigue hysteria begins.  I tell her how sad I am that she doesn't like my present and she is just heart broken about not having a present to open from me as she only got 2 presents tonight (as if that is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to her) when the other night she got hundreds of presents so she says.  I need to explain here that in no way have Lady Shells and Mr. Music spoiled their children, and had I not been there and this fit happened, there would have been a kibosh squash SOOOOO fast.  But I was there so I try to indulge a conversation and solution with my dear Doughnut as she is now sitting on my lap and crying on my shoulder.  I suggested that on our date night, I bring a present she can open, does she want a necklace? or a bracelet perhaps?  Through her tears, and without missing a beat, she tells me she wants a necklace....with lots of diamonds and a star....and then.....she screams again and the crying is in my ear and so so loud as she bawls "but I want my present right now wahhhhh".  At this moment, I look at her and I smile and if feels like time stops for a second and everything starts going forward again in slow motion, as the ONLY thing I am thinking about as she howls in my ear, is how it must feel when you have your own children as I can't fathom how anyone could possibly love a child more than I do my Biscuit and Doughnut.  Am I wrong to think that most people would be running for the hills in this moment?

p.s. I am aware the kid screaming thing isn't cute 99% of the time....