"I" McPie

The word "I" makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I know how strange this sounds as I sit here blogging about myself to the world.....you must know it wasn't easy to get here, this is a huge step in the evolution of McPie. "I" have always been great at taking care of things for projects and/or other people. "I would love to introduce you to so and so, i totally think this is the man of your dreams and its my birthday party and this would make me happy" or "I am happy to pass your resume on for a position that we all know I should probably go after myself but can't think of a single reason why i deserve it more than you" or "yes, I will gladly take care of your children so that you can go out and have a good time, and i will sit here for 4 hours watching your spawn even though 3 of those hours they will be sound asleep and I will be watching the television, only on a less pretty television than the one I have at home." Now please know, I in no way claiming to be this selfless of a person. I do these things because they make ME happy, there is a very odd selfishness in knowing that I introduced someone to their husband, or really helped someone get a job. I don't run around with a sign saying "ooh ooh ooh look what I did" but I sure do hold my head damn high thinking about these things. And on occasion, I have actually aided in someone's new relationship that turns out to be awful or helped find someone a job that was no better than a Hollywood sweatshop and I feel AWFUL, sickly guilty, to the point where I become so annoying with apologies and ass kissing that I permanently damage my own relationships.

So what I have concluded is that I use "I" a lot, but mostly when it applies to you. I need to use "I" to improve my own life, and I know for a fact I am not the only person out there who is guilty of putting themselves second to ...well..most everyone and everything. My best friend from high school, Snoop, isn't good at the "I" thing either and we constantly have these pep talks where we talk about how one of us has had a revelation and is really going to start focusing on her own needs and screw everyone else. I would say by the second check-in conversation on how this new lifestyle is working, either Snoop or I have failed miserably, but in such a way that neither of us realizes we have done it until the next time we have a conversation about how we are going to start taking care of ourselves. It's a vicious cycle. Snoop and I have always been phenomenal at taking care of each other, we are enablers.

Mr. McPie, my dream man, can also be my worst nightmare. "Whatever makes you happy hon" is the most common phrase to pass through his lips. I cry because it makes me happy and because i don't have a clue how to make a decision based on what makes ME happy because what makes ME happy is what makes HIM happy. It seems like a real ass-hole thing to be upset about, but it is truly a struggle for me.

It will be easy for people to read this post and think "oh poor her meh meh meh" but know this is not a complaint, this post is an observation, these are the humps I have to get over to figure out what I am supposed to be doing with my life at this moment in time. There will be plenty of other posts where I write about my mean streak, how selfish I am, how I unnecessarily abuse my mother, and how I have morbid thoughts about torturing Hot Body and Plus Size Model....

p.s. I just turned to Mr. McPie and asked him if I was totally conceited for writing this.......