I need to put my passion somewhere. I have a tremendous amount of passion, and even if I give Mr. McPie as much of it as he wants and as much as he can take (get your mind out of the gutter people, well keep it in a little, its fun there), I still need somewhere to put the majority of what I have. People always talk about how they have so much love to give, and I do have a lot of that too but I have great friends and family and spread that around just fine (again people, now you are just gross!) it's this insane amount of passion that I have and nowhere to put it. Some people call this passion "energy", however, "energy" isn't specific enough for what I have. You know those kids that start speaking really fast while jumping up and down and get louder by the second as they shake their heads every time they walk in the room to show someone some picture of something that no one can pinpoint? OK well I am that kid, but I'm not a kid, I'm and adult and that excitement that passion still consumes me and I have nothing to show anyone because I didn't "draw" anything and now I have no idea how to let it out and frankly, it's making me grumpy.
Sometimes I get desperate and I throw my passion into anything that will catch it, like recently, Snoop started working at a new restaurant, and its great, I love it, so I call people specifically to tell them about it and then I call Snoop 12 times an hour to talk about all these things I would write on yelp and citysearch if I actually wrote reviews and THEN I actually open fake accounts on yelp and citysearch and actually write the reviews I don't even know how to write AND THEN I facebook status update about this new restaurant that I love so much in hopes that somehow, my passion for making Snoop's new restaurant will somehow reward her as she is the hardest working waitress I have ever met and then I remember that even though she will make $264 in tips in just 5 hours, she likely walks with $65 because this new restaurant pools tips and now I am really pissed that I put all this passion into getting Snoop's co-workers a couple extra bucks that should have been all for her. Situations like these are examples of what I call passion misplacement.
So I keep thinking about what to do right... well this week I considered becoming a life coach and then I realized how dangerous that would be, I would use my passion to cheer-lead people into their perfect lives, instead of using it to cheer-lead me in to my own, and then what...they go on without me...or they fail miserably with me...Both options suck for me. These situations are examples of what I call passion projection.
What is happening right now is that certain occurrences are making it quite obvious that I need to get a grip here. I tried putting my passion in to figuring out where to invest my passion and frankly it's killed a piece of my soul (I'm sure this piece of my soul is regenerative, however, I still notice that right now it is missing).
I think there are people who are really great at having their relationships be the best part of their lives without smothering these relationships, I have an insane amount of envy for these people who I like to call "reasonable". I need to be in a pretty regular state of feeling passionate to be my best self, I need to be inspired. Bring it on world...I can take it!
P.S. I totally stole "best self" from Oprah because frankly, if I catch her on tv, and it is one of her inspirational episodes, those moments when she has my attention, I am inspired...so ya, I want to be my best self in 2010..thanks big O (hahahahahaha I said big O)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I McPie With My Little Eye: Paranoid Part Deux
We saw AVATAR in 3D IMAX yesterday....wow! This was only a couple hours after I watched the entire mini series of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA....also wow! So here are the two questions that immediately come to mind with every person i encounter this morning: 1) Do "I see you"? and 2) Are you a Cylon?....somehow I'm not sure that this is healthy for someone who is paranoid, even if I am not delusional.
Because I am a semi-rational human being, I believe it is safe to assume that the answer to question number 2 is always a big fat NO. However, question numer 1 has a couple of variables: how open are you and how perceptive am I?
WARNING: if you haven't seen AVATAR, there is a good chance this will feel out of nowhere and totally random (not that most of my posts aren't random, but this is psychological mish mosh, not too interesting)
I believe that I am pretty darn perceptive, it's what makes me a people person (except of course when my notorious mean streak comes out and I am just a bitch). I feel like I "see" people...I mean really really "see" them. Often when I meet someone who is more introverted than I am (lets face it, that's kind of the vast majority of the population) I am still able to get, what I believe to be, a good read on them (I have made obvious mistakes before when I had met someone who was very quiet and so I assumed his entire psychosis, behaved a certain way around him, and then came to find out at a later meeting that he is actually quite loud and obnoxious and was only quiet at the first meeting because he was recovering from a severe case of laryngitis). I have learned from my mistakes and generally don't make any voacl assessments until after the second meeting. I must sound cocky and ridiculous right now, and that's ok, cause sometimes I am when it comes to this.....I just believe that I truely know people better than they know themselves 95% of the time. :-) LOL.
So here is where my paranoia comes in, its actually 2-fold. If I am in an insecure place in my life, here is what might occur: I make my assessments of whomever I am meeting, and create some elaborate story in my mind about them, and then start making a list (also in my mind) about which traits of my personality they are going to judge. THEN I get defensive before anything has happened, which of course makes everybody around me defensive, and then I walk away being someone who once again sucks. The other "fold" of this paranoia is the idea that no one ever really "sees" me. We all go through periods in our lives where we feel totally misunderstood no matter who we are, I feel like that period of my life is my entire life, but I am mostly really ok with it.......so what? I have a handfull of people in my life who do "see" me and that is more than I can ask for.
I believe so strongly in the human bond, and I know that when people bond, they do "see" each other....but not all people bond with all people, in fact, I don't think we form strong and secure bonds with the majority of the people in our lives. I think we get to know people, and at some point, we decide if we are going to know each other and be in touch and hang out and exchange stories, or if we are going to "see" each other and be in touch and experience each other.
I just read my first paragraph and I am not sure how to bring this back there other than to say, if you are more reserved and your book isn't open for just anyone to read, that's cool of course, but know this, you may think you are giving off the image that you want people to perceive of you, but trust me....people see more of you than you know...(please know I am including myself here, there are times when I try desperately to hide my crazy, but I have been told my crazy shines through no matter what I do and ya know, I am so ok with that....today)
P.S. My Dad told me yesterday's blog was quite introspective.....today's is outrospective (not sure that is a word, but I like it!)
Because I am a semi-rational human being, I believe it is safe to assume that the answer to question number 2 is always a big fat NO. However, question numer 1 has a couple of variables: how open are you and how perceptive am I?
WARNING: if you haven't seen AVATAR, there is a good chance this will feel out of nowhere and totally random (not that most of my posts aren't random, but this is psychological mish mosh, not too interesting)
I believe that I am pretty darn perceptive, it's what makes me a people person (except of course when my notorious mean streak comes out and I am just a bitch). I feel like I "see" people...I mean really really "see" them. Often when I meet someone who is more introverted than I am (lets face it, that's kind of the vast majority of the population) I am still able to get, what I believe to be, a good read on them (I have made obvious mistakes before when I had met someone who was very quiet and so I assumed his entire psychosis, behaved a certain way around him, and then came to find out at a later meeting that he is actually quite loud and obnoxious and was only quiet at the first meeting because he was recovering from a severe case of laryngitis). I have learned from my mistakes and generally don't make any voacl assessments until after the second meeting. I must sound cocky and ridiculous right now, and that's ok, cause sometimes I am when it comes to this.....I just believe that I truely know people better than they know themselves 95% of the time. :-) LOL.
So here is where my paranoia comes in, its actually 2-fold. If I am in an insecure place in my life, here is what might occur: I make my assessments of whomever I am meeting, and create some elaborate story in my mind about them, and then start making a list (also in my mind) about which traits of my personality they are going to judge. THEN I get defensive before anything has happened, which of course makes everybody around me defensive, and then I walk away being someone who once again sucks. The other "fold" of this paranoia is the idea that no one ever really "sees" me. We all go through periods in our lives where we feel totally misunderstood no matter who we are, I feel like that period of my life is my entire life, but I am mostly really ok with it.......so what? I have a handfull of people in my life who do "see" me and that is more than I can ask for.
I believe so strongly in the human bond, and I know that when people bond, they do "see" each other....but not all people bond with all people, in fact, I don't think we form strong and secure bonds with the majority of the people in our lives. I think we get to know people, and at some point, we decide if we are going to know each other and be in touch and hang out and exchange stories, or if we are going to "see" each other and be in touch and experience each other.
I just read my first paragraph and I am not sure how to bring this back there other than to say, if you are more reserved and your book isn't open for just anyone to read, that's cool of course, but know this, you may think you are giving off the image that you want people to perceive of you, but trust me....people see more of you than you know...(please know I am including myself here, there are times when I try desperately to hide my crazy, but I have been told my crazy shines through no matter what I do and ya know, I am so ok with that....today)
P.S. My Dad told me yesterday's blog was quite introspective.....today's is outrospective (not sure that is a word, but I like it!)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Paranoid McPie
So i just got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Mathingamabob, and the text said "where is your blog" so I sent her a reply text with my blog address and said "but I haven't written in a while" and she said "I KNOW, that's what I meant, I'm a subscriber" (If you are one, you are special, there are Only 9 of you). So I realize it has happened again, I have become insecure in my being and have neglected what was making me feel better, I McPie. I blog to get things on paper (computer) in hopes that something will pop up in my writing that will either a) give me answers or b) inspire me. Both of which I need right now. Mathingamabob is studying to be a shrink so I am sure she LOVES analyzing what I am and am not writing, how often I write, the code names I give people and so on....am I wrong Mathing? Anyhow, I'm not in the best spot right now, and I don't want to use this blog as a means to complain. I have thought about McPie and how to write what's going on without coming off as wo-is-me...and every idea I come up with, I get paranoid will sound petty and ridiculous and, without being so offensive, completely retarded.
Recently I feel as though I am being questioned by everything and everyone, typical paranoia. I work really hard, but it's part-time, and I work from home, and it is a completely new field for me, so when any question is asked about it, I get super defensive and then start to feel like I suck, and then feel guilty, and then feel like I suck, and then feel paranoid, and then decide I am going to get fired if I don't all of a sudden become seasoned at this job. See, I hate not knowing EVERY thing about what I am doing all the time because I can't possibly be perfect then. Now I have to tell you I am a strange version of a perfectionist....I only need to be perfect if someone or something else relies on it. My room is the site of a Mach 3 hurricane (not sure that makes sense..oops) yet I clean up after myself as best I can at Mr. McPie's place, I drive worse when I am alone in the car, when I cook for myself it often looks like dog food (I cooked trout for Mr. and Mrs. Junior last weekend and it didn't look so hot, I apologized after anyone took a bite, I need to mention the orzo and string beans looked fab!). Back to the work thing, I don't really think anyone is questioning me except for ME, I McPie....I am projecting on to my bosses...probably not a good idea...capiche!
I also question whether my relationships are questioning me, or testing me, or not trusting me...and I am talking about all of them.....friends, family, my shrink.....I mean, everyone gets in tiffs with people and all relationships have obstacles; those tiffs (yes I just used a semicolon) mean people care enough to resolve an issue, obstacles that are brought into the open are the ones all parties involved want to get over....otherwise, no one would ever mention anything right? So knowing this, and knowing how solid my relationships are, why do I still get so ridiculously sensitive and paranoid.....(I have to tell you that blogging rhetorical questions is somewhat satisfying, but I guess they aren't really rhetorical if I am answering them...oh well). Relationships involve other people, and feelings, and people relying on each other...hence, I like to be perfect in my relationships as well.
In conclusion, Mathingamabob asking where my blog is is really all I needed to get my blogging McPie ass in blogging gear yet again....I am not going to question whether she really wants to read my blog or if she is just being nice because she is all shrinky and probably figured I was feeling insecure again which is why there was a pause in my writing....no, I am not going to question that at all.
Love you Mathing, shrinkiness and all!
p.s. The story of Mathingamabob and I meeting at 10 years old involves stolen strawberries, a unique first name, a hand full of sand and an eye patch....HIlarious...will be told one day
Recently I feel as though I am being questioned by everything and everyone, typical paranoia. I work really hard, but it's part-time, and I work from home, and it is a completely new field for me, so when any question is asked about it, I get super defensive and then start to feel like I suck, and then feel guilty, and then feel like I suck, and then feel paranoid, and then decide I am going to get fired if I don't all of a sudden become seasoned at this job. See, I hate not knowing EVERY thing about what I am doing all the time because I can't possibly be perfect then. Now I have to tell you I am a strange version of a perfectionist....I only need to be perfect if someone or something else relies on it. My room is the site of a Mach 3 hurricane (not sure that makes sense..oops) yet I clean up after myself as best I can at Mr. McPie's place, I drive worse when I am alone in the car, when I cook for myself it often looks like dog food (I cooked trout for Mr. and Mrs. Junior last weekend and it didn't look so hot, I apologized after anyone took a bite, I need to mention the orzo and string beans looked fab!). Back to the work thing, I don't really think anyone is questioning me except for ME, I McPie....I am projecting on to my bosses...probably not a good idea...capiche!
I also question whether my relationships are questioning me, or testing me, or not trusting me...and I am talking about all of them.....friends, family, my shrink.....I mean, everyone gets in tiffs with people and all relationships have obstacles; those tiffs (yes I just used a semicolon) mean people care enough to resolve an issue, obstacles that are brought into the open are the ones all parties involved want to get over....otherwise, no one would ever mention anything right? So knowing this, and knowing how solid my relationships are, why do I still get so ridiculously sensitive and paranoid.....(I have to tell you that blogging rhetorical questions is somewhat satisfying, but I guess they aren't really rhetorical if I am answering them...oh well). Relationships involve other people, and feelings, and people relying on each other...hence, I like to be perfect in my relationships as well.
In conclusion, Mathingamabob asking where my blog is is really all I needed to get my blogging McPie ass in blogging gear yet again....I am not going to question whether she really wants to read my blog or if she is just being nice because she is all shrinky and probably figured I was feeling insecure again which is why there was a pause in my writing....no, I am not going to question that at all.
Love you Mathing, shrinkiness and all!
p.s. The story of Mathingamabob and I meeting at 10 years old involves stolen strawberries, a unique first name, a hand full of sand and an eye patch....HIlarious...will be told one day
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