We have all heard that our dogs become reflections of ourselves, well I have two and the rule still applies. Hot Body is the tall skinny California girl in me and Plus Size Model is the short fat New Yorker in me. (I usually say tall skinny white girl and short fat black girl but I am trying really hard not to be offensive when the "black girl" part really only refers to the size of her ass and mine...oh and she's black). These descriptions don't sound so bad when I say them like this, but to me, and everyone who knows these lovable ladies, these labels have serious implications.
For the record, I LOVE my dogs. I do refer to their crate as Jail, but this is only because I know with all my heart that Hot Body and Plus Size Model do not know that Jail is a place where bad people go. I say "Time for Jail" and they wag their butts, one much larger than the other, and skip into their crate, its a beautiful thing.
Hot Body, tall skinny California girl, is unbearably needy, I mean I sit down to pee and she jumps on my lap before my ass hits the seat. I'd be lying if I didn't say I have, on occasion, indulged this toilet jumping behavior, even though I know how absurd it is... no matter how you look at it. She is 19 lbs of follows-me-wherever-I-go-and-cries-when-I-put-on-my-shoes-love. This poor girl has more angst in her than a high school valedictorian waiting at the mail box for her early admissions letter to the university of this-school-will-clearly-determine-the success-of-the-rest-of-my-life. When I make a noise, any noise, (a yawn, a burp, a giggle, a sniffle) Hot Body comes to attention and immediately stares directly into my soul to make sure I am alright. If Hot Body could get under my skin to feel my pulse at ALL times...she would find a way....I have explained to her numerous times that I am not biologically her mother...she isn't getting it. Now I am someone who desperately wants to know how everyone is feeling ALL the time. For example, it wouldn't bother me the slightest bit if every 5 minutes Mr. McPie shouted out things like "content" "perturbed" "gloriously happy because of how wonderful you are and how lucky I feel to have you in my life", see this way, I would never worry that maybe he hasn't spoken in the last 5 minutes because he is about to leave me for someone who isn't as full of angst and needy as I am (abandonment issues...but really, who doesn't have them). Hot Body has abandonment issues as well, by the way, as a particular mother-like relative of mine is the one who purchased them and then 1 month later decided they should go to LaLa Land to live with me, of course I was part of that decision, but Hot Body doesn't see it that way, she told me. The neediness in me is apparent in that I simply cannot be in a room with Mr. McPie without touching him. I mean sometimes we are sitting on the couch and he holds my hand, somehow that isn't enough, I have to cross my other arm over my body and hold his bicep with that hand, it even seems nuts to me when I read what I just wrote...oops. Hot Body and I, McPie, could be in the same group therapy.
Now Plus Size Model is an easier comparison, we have very similar senses of humor, we both have awful allergies and incredibly sensitive skin, oh oh oh and we both love to be massaged in the area directly above our giant butts. Most people would say that Plus Size Model is perfect. We are kindred spirits...I am sure of it.
In conclusion, If my dogs could blog...they would.
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