Sunday, February 28, 2010

McPie Plays Limbo

So it occurs to me that I have no idea how to take care of myself.  I have constantly, throughout my life found other people and things to take care of.  I am not trying to make myself sound selfless here, I am stating a severe flaw that has hindered me and is currently hindering my ability to figure out what is next for me.  Now I am learning that this is an incredibly important thing to know how to do and I am also learning that it isn't something that people can teach you as the methods are unique to each person.  Some people tell me to get up get up get up, keep moving through it, don't let bad feelings get you down after all they are feelings and they are temporary (this is the method I have been practicing since I took my clean slate and ran with it).  Other people tell me that I should just chill out for a minute, stay in bed, lick my wounds, feel the fear and move through it when I am ready, after all, you wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to get up and walk would you? (thanks Mrs. Junior for that analogy, I said it three times yesterday).

The truth is that I have two serious emotions battling it out inside of me and its a bit nauseating.  My head knows how exciting all these possibilities could be, but I have always followed my heart and it is scared out of it's pants (my heart wears cowgirl pants in case anyone is wondering).  So everyday, I wake up not knowing if my heart is going to win or my head will take the lead.  It may seem like something I should have more control over but really this world is filled with things that remind me of other things, and these other things often remind me of the fact that I have detached myself from all responsibilities, given up any semblance of stability to find new things (If I find a pot of gold, I will share I promise!), so even if the day starts out strong, it can turn into a mess fest without any warning.  It's a strange feeling to feel like you have so much and absolutely nothing all at the same time and that's where I am....in limbo I guess (happens to be a gorgeous place in the mountains, how lucky am I!).

Anyhow, there is a Karate Kid Marathon on today and I feel obligated to watch it....talk about fighting your way to the top when the world (cobra kai) is keeping you down. NO MERCY!!!

p.s. I have argued with people over whether or not Daniel LaRusso was hot.....um yes he was.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cope-ability McPie

So I am realizing now the enormity of what I did last weekend.  I let go of everything tying me to a place I have lived for 20 years (minus 3.5 years during college) except for an itty bitty storage unit near Fro NoFro and Karat.  This is big huge seismic large huge holy Godzilla huge what-have-I-done ginormous thing.  Well I am taking care of myself and taking control.  I feel like I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I desperately need to get it back.  Isn't it strange how we make decisions ourselves, take control of our own lives, and then feel totally out of control over everything......

As individuals, we all cope with things differently...really really differently.  It isn't just how we are raised or where we grew up or even who our parents are, I mean these things all play a role, but it is also our chemistry.  I have two sisters and one brother with the same parents and same history yet none of us are remotely similar and we deal with things as differently as humanly possible.  And don't misread that please, we all take care of each other very well.  I believe that I McPie have a delayed reaction to big things in my life and I think it is a coping mechanism.  If I spazzed-out the moment things happen instead of two to three days later, nothing would actually ever happen because in case you hadn't noticed, I do things in extremes (I graduated college in 3.5 years because I convinced myself that I wasn't going to graduate on time so took an obscene amount of classes hence graduating early....a bit extreme nest-ce pas?).  This way, I do something GIGANTOR and then freak about it later when it is too late to go back.  Generally, I don't want to go back, I just want to get through and that is what is happening to me now.  I just want to be at the part when I know what is next.  I have been told in the recent past not to focus so hard on the future because I really have no idea what it has in store, but the truth is that it is really hard to focus on the present when it feels so uncertain.

Perhaps I am supposed to focus on what is certain, and that is me right, I am certainly stuck with myself therefore I am going to be present through whatever it is that I do so I should focus on me right?  I am the first person to admit that I would much rather focus on you than me because my nature says that it is easier.  Still I go forward because I know that despite how freaked out I may be over my recent decisions, they are the right decisions....as is my decision to go to the gym right now.

p.s.  I went to the gym yesterday and there were people there, rest easy and I am sorry I have no catastrophic gym stories to share this time

p.p.s. So I went to the gym, and there were people there and I'm listening to some hardcore hip hop gettin' my treadmill on and on the gym TV they re-run the footage of the figure skater whose mother died a couple days ago and her amazing performance last night and she starts crying and I let a wale like nobody's business, it just blurted out and I starting bawling like a maniac.......no I didn't fall off the treadmill, but man did I make a scene.....damnit!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Free Bird McPie

So it's done, with the help of Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior and Woof Woof, I am no longer a resident of this town, I won't go as far as to say it isn't home or anything, but I will say that I live nowhere right now.  I drove a 14' truck from U-haul to my now old apartment, to Fro NoFro's house, to the storage unit and back to U-haul all in a six hour period with Mr. Junior by my side the whole time (thanks Mrs. Junior for lending him to me, you scored!).  The ONLY thing that went wrong today was that the u-haul battery was dead when I got in it right after we packed the whole thing up (I say 'we', I don't mean 'we', I mean 'they'....although, my legs are all bruised and I can't explain it for the life of me).  Mr. Junior of course tried to jump start it with his luxury vehicle but the puppy was dead, so a AAA semi came, jumped us and we were off.  It was so smooth, the whole thing, I have moved a lot, but this was pretty good.

I was really freaking myself out thinking about how I would probably freak out as soon as we left the storage unit because that would be when all of this would feel real, I mean really real.  And I did freak out, well not really, I kinda just got worked up for a minute, cried for three minutes, and then I breathed and I realized that I was really ok with all of this, in fact I am really good with all of this, and then of course I got overwhelmed by the fact that I was ok and not freaking out, thinking that something must be wrong with me because I wasn't completely panicked and hysterical.  Well maybe less is wrong with me now that I am holding on to nothing, I am a free bird.  I do feel a bit too old to be this bird per-Se, but it is clearly the thing I need to be right now.

I said before that this town is still my home and I would like to discuss for a moment.  The famous saying that home is where the heart is is kind of a crock to me right now; I think 'home' is where your 'stuff' is....period.  Any of my parents might argue that 'home' is where your parents are but really that's just not feasible.  If 'home' is where the heart is, than I live all over the place........actually, I kinda do live all over the place, cause all over the place is kinda the same as nowhere, so maybe that wasn't the best example...I'll try this again.  If 'home' is where the heart is than I am lost...and the truth is, yes I have said I am lost  a lot lately but I am not, my heart is, but I am not (I am out there finding things; can't be lost if you can find things now can ya).  I know that I will be back here (in fact, I will be back so many times before I am actually back here that it is kinda crazy.....I'm like a jetsetter of sorts) everyone I love is here and frankly, this is where my 'stuff' is......see what I mean, home is where your stuff is I'm just putting that out there....

p.s.  Snoop, American Pie, Midge, Fres, Miami, Dishy, Karat, Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior and Woof Woof made this weekend so survivable for me.......I know they all have strange names but blame their parents..don't hold it against them.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Regret Nothing McPie

So I'm thinkin' (which I know can be dangerous) about words, and regret, and what if things were different kinda stuff.  You know those moments when you think to yourself, oh my god, how funny would it have been if I had said that, or what if I hadn't taken that job, or why didn't I say that in that moment......well I'm wondering things like this right now.  I'm not someone who regrets many things, I do feel strongly that what's done is done, but right now, in this moment, that strength of mine is weakening and I know this feeling is not unique to me.

In my life so far, I have probably said too much in my professional life, while in my relationships and personal life, I maybe haven't always said enough (I know this is hard to believe considering the amount of and the speed at which I speak).  In this new space I am in, I have the time to be thinking about these things and I wonder if there is an expiration date on continuing conversations that, in theory, ended a long time ago.  Sometimes people bring up something a few days old and say hey i got to thinking and I really hope I didn't offend you the other day and I wanted to say sorry, and then I got to thinking about this and that and this and that and you have a whole new conversation about something but it never would have happened had the first one not taken place.  In a case like this, I think maybe conversations don't end.  What I am wondering is how you know when it is appropriate to go back?  I guess if it is self serving than never...right?  I don't know.  You can't change anything that has already happened, I know this, unless of course you are Doc Brown and you have a really awesome delorian and a really fancy flux capacitor, then in that case you can do it three times, well two past one future, but then again the future will become the past at some point so three times.

A job that ended for me very abruptly last year still hasn't left my system.  To this day, I still feel like I have so much to say to so many people and trust me I said so much to so many people already, in fact, I am sure at points I made an ass of myself I said so much, but seriously, when and how do you let it go?  Everyone says that time is this great healer or fixer or whatever it is, and I believe it, but sometimes I have a strange feeling that you can speed it up...... then again I have another strange feeling that says my strange feeling about speeding it up is totally wrong.   Even sometimes when I think of something that would have been hilarious to say, I literally keep it in my head just waiting for the next opportunity to say it, I mean it's awesome when people laugh and who wants to miss a chance for that (however, when I finally do say it, it is so clear I have been anticipating it that the laugh is generally at me instead of with me, but who cares, I'll lose a little respect if it gets people smiling).  I don't really regret anything, I mean that, but I also don't want to start now. 

p.s. Actually there is something I regretted once, I had my hair died red, brown and blond, it was like color blocks, this guy told me it looked like I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my head and even though that made no sense at all, I really really regretted that dye job.

Don't Honk at McPie...even if you love me and my bumper sticker tells you to.....which it doesn't

So as I was pulling out of the garage this morning, driving at a normal garage driving speed when some guy behind me honked at me, as if I wasn't driving fast enough I assume, which is ridiculous considering where I am currently living people drive like snails and I was in a GARAGE.  So I McPie was instantly in a what the hell kinda day is this going to be mood.  THEN i drove two blocks and heard an amazing conversation.  I was at a stop light, windows down and I listened to a fantastic interaction between two homeless men sitting on the street right next to my car.  The first guy says  dumb dumbs, they are so stupid, all of them and the second guy says who and the the first guy says people.  And then I thought about how I totally agree with the first homeless guy and how mean that is of me but I do have a mean streak even if hasn't reared it's ugly head in a while which I am shocked by considering the state I am in and the state that I am in.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I have a mean streak and my response is well it's because people are stupid, just like the homeless guy said.  I do believe that people's level of intelligence should be based mostly on how they apply common sense in their every day lives, not on how much education they have.  I am someone who constantly speaks with conviction, even when nine times out of ten I am wrong about what I am talking about, I don't believe this makes me an idiot (Snoop and I actually joke on a regular basis about how people should believe the exact opposite of what I say, even I know I am wrong....what?  I am not lying, I actually do believe what I am saying, but I am never shocked when I find out I was wrong, is my point...).  I know that people's versions of common sense are sometimes different than mine but this is where I become dumbfounded.  For every action there is a reaction correct?  So it is safe to assume that if you do something like say honk at me, I am going to react.  Stick with me for a second, I will bring this circle around. 

On this morning's occasion, my reaction was subtle, unnoticeable to the honker in fact, but had I stopped my car, gotten out and went to talk to the honker to ask what his problem was, he should not have been shocked, especially since I would have been incredibly sweet (I am a firm believer in killing people with kindness).  The Honker (who in case it isn't clear I believe to be incredibly stupid) would have acted shocked I am sure and that is when I would become mean regardless of what his reasoning was.  And by mean, after making sure I didn't see a gun anywhere in his car, I would have told him he is a jerk and a stupid person (and yes, I expect a reaction from that as well but I would have walked away, actually, I never would have gotten out of my car to talk to him because that in itself is stupid).  I know that this didn't happen, and there is no way of knowing that the Honker would have acted shocked, I mean maybe he thought the back of my head was cute and he wanted me to get out of my car......what, the back of my head is cute, have you seen my curls?  It is so dumb to honk at someone if you aren't trying to warn them that they are going to crash into you or someone else, it's just obnoxious.  Yell with your windows up if you need to, but really stop honking it's stupid stupid stupid (yes it's possible that I am an awful driver and get honked at more than most people which is why I am so annoyed right now but report me, don't honk, everyone hears that and I promise it won't make me a better driver).

p.s.  I think I may still be sore over this time when I was 16 and I was stopped to pull into a parallel parking spot on my street (I am an AMAZING parallel parker FYI), blinker on and plenty of space to go around me, when some crazy lady pulled up next to me, held her hand on her horn opened her window and yelled BITCH at me at the top of her lungs.  I cried for hours, why the hell did that lady call me a bitch...she doesn't even know me.  OK, ya, honking just brings back bad memories....do what you will....

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Temporary McPie

So apparently I McPie am some sort of temp genius, I mean 2.5 hours of testing later I received an 8 and rumor has it, no one has ever gotten a 9 (there is no 10 and most people score 5 sometimes 6).  As silly an ego boost this is, it is an ego boost none the less.  I walked out of my interview this morning feeling rather tall I must say.  Then I went straight to the social security office to order a new card and was thrown in a room with 50 some odd strangers and had to wait like the rest of them, apparently that 8 I received did absolutely nothing for my status.  This isn't actually what I wanted to write about but I had to brag...you know how it is.

I have been thoroughly busy since early yesterday morning and it has felt really good.  Yesterday afternoon, I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a couple months.  No one was there, this could have been a bad thing considering I generally pace myself with some one on a neighboring treadmill or feel the need to work hard just in case someone happens to look at me, I mean there is no way I am going to half ass it if there are people in the gym (also when I am bored but must keep going, I make up stories in my head about the inevitable crazy person on the bike in the corner, it really makes time fly I tell you).  I got on the machine anyway (assuming this was going to be thoroughly boring) and decided I wasn't going to push it as it has been so long, I am at a high altitude and I am not totally confident that I have been getting the proper nutrition lately.  So i picked my music (I am kind of a freak by the way when it comes to work out music, yes I can blast hip hop, but I can also blast Pachel Bell and get my heart rate up) today I decided to listen to an album I was listening to in July, the last time life didn't feel particularly close to perfect.  What happened when I began my 45 minutes of cardio is the last 6+ months of my life began playing back in my head AND in slow motion (yes I am aware slow motion six months in 45 minutes made no sense, but it happened).  At moments I would get really upset and my eyes would well up (these moments made me appreciate that I was alone in the gym) and then other moments I would become enraged and start singing out loud to the music (another set of moments when I relished being alone....actually, I think some janitorial staff came in saw me and ran out, I only think that because I saw the end of someone kicking the water stand, exit abruptly and not look back...and they were wearing a janitorial uniform).  When I finished my cardio and a bit of stretching I felt really good, it was incredibly cathartic (by the way, look up cathartic on dictionary.com, it's kinda ewwy). 

I know the key to this whole clean-slate new-life do-anything-I-want-to phase is to accept how I got here and that I AM here and that everything I am feeling is as temporary as the jobs I am about take on, maybe even more so, but knowing that I need to accept this and and actually accepting this are two very different things.  I don't think knowing is half the battle, I think knowing is one third of the battle, accepting it is another third, and moving on is the final third.  I think I am lingering still around the second third and also trying to move on at the same time which can make for a woozy stomach.  There is a lot of life I let go of less than a week ago and there is a lot of life in front of me and the transition is physically exhausting, thank goodness this place has a fantastic bathtub.

p.s. I will do everything I can to go to the gym sometime in the next hour and this time, I will listen to music without lyrics....I don't trust myself right now, even if I am alone again in the gym, you never know.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I McPie VS Clean Slate; I McPie slated to win HOLLA

So I have contemplated how to approach the next I McPie blog post, in fact I have written a few and they are saved as drafts and probably won't be posted.  I am in a really transitional stage of my life, one minute I am freaked out of my shoes and sobbing, and the next I am super excited about the idea that I am going to apply to a temp agency and to work at a coffee house and other odd jobs that will keep me busy in this new place for the next 5 weeks.  I don't want to come off preachy about any of the things I am realizing, and I don't want to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party cause I am absolutely not so it proves difficult to find the subject matter.

I realize now that we all have an inherent desire to matter, I don't want to matter because I make a kick ass coconut cake, which by the way, I do, I make a kick ass coconut cake.  We want to be significant and we want to be effective and we want to know that we have been significant and we have been effective.  We want to know that even though we have quit three jobs, given up our apartments, found someone to foster our dogs, we aren't being replaced as quickly as we got all of these things done (see how I say "we" but really it's all about me, see how I did that there, mmhmmm, just checking).  I don't want to be someone who strikes away from all responsibility and leaves town and it's really good for her, I want to be someone who does this, and kicks its ass! (side-note: SADE is on the Today Show in the background right now, anyone ever notice that when she is just talking she sounds like a man?  just checking.)  Back to ass kicking; I want to do this clean slate like a clean slate should be done!  I want to inspire others to start over, to take back control of their lives, I want to be effective (and no, I do not want to be a self help public speaker....maybe your personal cheerleader though).  I just want this journey I am on to be significant, I don't want this to be the story my friends and family tell my future children about the time when their mom went AWOL, this needs to be the story about when I became the person that I would be for the rest of my life, my best self, my most significant self, my most effective self.  This being said, it's time to see what is happening on craig's list today.

p.s. I heard from Hot Body and Plus Size Model's foster mom and they are doing great, in fact she sent pictures and it looks like they have adopted bull dog puppy......redonkadonk!

Friday, February 5, 2010

I McPie is HERE

689 miles, almost 10 hours of straight driving (never going more than 10 miles above speed limit) I MCPIE IS HERE!  I stopped to pee 3 times, 2 of those times filled the car up with gas, munched on nuts and Barbara's shredded oat squares (favorite cereal) and am now sitting in The future Mrs. Junior's hotel suite waiting for her to return, filled with excitement, freaked out of my mind and playing the day's thoughts back in my head, and no, I still haven't had a cup of coffee (I did have an earl grey latte from Starbucks 2 hours in...holy cow).

The drive really went very quickly, Booty told me long distance driving alone can be amazing and it really was.  The state I am in now is the most beautiful state I have ever driven through, and it is in this state that I had some sort of road trip breakthrough (I won't lie, what I am about to tell you could very well have been caused by lack of blood circulation from being stationery too long, or malnutrition). I must start by saying that I am afraid of really large things (mind out of the gutter please people, and if it wasn't in the gutter, sorry I put it there).  I have a hard time processing the enormity of things, an obvious one that freaks many people out would be the universe.  So scale that down a bit to things like say, cliffs or worse...giant windmills and really I get the chills and start jerking around like I'm having a seizure.  I used to think I was just afraid of heights, but then once in Manhattan when driving across town from the Westside Highway towards Court Street, I looked up at the old buildings in front of me and around me and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, everything felt so huge and out of place...strange thought to have while in Manhattan.  Anyhow, to the story, as I was driving today, I was staring in the distance all around me (safely of course) and everywhere I looked were these GIANT mountains covered in snow, but right next to the road it was just flat and level to the freeway making the mountains look so much more ginormous, so I started to panic a bit, but instead of turning away or closing my eyes (which of course I really couldn't as they were everywhere and you know, I was driving) I just kept looking and slowly but surely, my heart rate became more normal and the mountains started to look almost unbearably beautiful, they were really really beautiful.  And then the weirdest thing happened in the middle of nowhere, there was traffic, and everyone slowed, so I opened my windows and it was freezing outside, but i just drove along at maybe 20 miles an hour and let the wind absolutely freeze my skin, it felt sharp.  I know this sounds corny and cheesy but something happened and I was just fine for a minute, I wasn't thinking about anything that has been swirling around in my mind lately.  I have been freezing all week, and shaking and absolutely flipping out in relatively warm weather, being completely tortured inside out by this emotional blizzard inside me, but today I got outside in cold, super flippin' cold and it felt amazing.  I wasn't scared of the mountains, I didn't even twitch, and I wasn't cold inside, even though my skin felt like ice, and I am pretty damn sure that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

This whole experience was just a moment.  But knowing I had that moment is knowing I am capable of having moments like this again....and again...and again and again.  This is now part of my plan, to stay focused in the moment.

p.s. I forgot to mention I had just listed to 5 hours of Wayne Dyer telling me to connect with the world instead of my own form....what a Tool.....for real.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Be Free McPie

To say that I am shaking is an understatement.  I would say It's like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal, but really it is probably more like having the chills, AND I haven't had a sip of alcohol since January 24th, not that I have quit drinking, but I know myself a tiny bit and drinking when I am in such an anxious state is not a good idea.  In just a little while, Snoop is coming with me to take Hot Body and Plus Size Model to their vacation home because I can't do this by myself and because she is wonderful.  I know my girls will be good, great in fact, they will have a yard, a house, and a wonderful woman who will let them sleep in bed with her (I don't allow such things, except last night I did, I needed to cuddle with them).  The BEST part, she will give them back to me when I return, I have to focus on that.  I have been pulling and tugging at them so much in the past couple of days, hopefully they are getting annoyed and want a break.

I had an awful unbearable broken-hearted unemployed homeless dogless freak-out about an hour ago which is why i am writing this very moment.  It was this feeling of make it stop make it stop do something do something do something, so I did, I started this new post (well first I actually made an appointment at the Genius Bar near the future Mrs. Junior because my mac is refusing to work with me here, always wants shit her way, and really, right now I need it my way).  I started this post hardly able to hit the right keys because of all this shaking I'm doing, and only two small paragraphs later, I feel calmer.  I'm writing away the heaviness and the insecurity and all of the chains.

Oh chains, you have sucked.  These chains, that I apparently locked around myself, are coming off bit by bit, and as wonderful as it feels to be freeing myself of them, it is also incredibly uncomfortable.  It's like my freedom and dreams and oomph have been atrophied if that makes any sense,  I have to actually relearn how to exercise all of them and to exist with all of these mysteries and opportunities in front of me, as a I am told I have a life outside of all of these things I am leaving behind for the time being.  Still terrified but starting to get excited, I must keep going with all of the things I must do.  The next time I post, I won't be here anymore.....I will be there, "there" will become my new "here" for a little while and it is going to be great!

p.s. I haven't had a cup of coffee since January 26th....I'm just saying...

Monday, February 1, 2010

In Pursuit of McPie

So I have decided that I McPie needs a clean slate.  Now those who know me know that "clean" is not a word commonly used to describe much of anything in my life, I myself am quite clean, a HUGE fan of the bath in fact, also a huge fan of a clean kitchen, but most other things in my chaotic existence would hardly be described as "clean".  This slate I speak of is going to be spotless, its going to sparkle and shine and everything wonderful I can think of.  The only problem is, this slate is see-through.  I have no idea what is on the other side.  I have let go of my jobs, given up my apartment, and am sailing away (well driving really, sailing just sounds so much more poetic).  Where will I dock this ship you might ask?  I have no idea really.  However I have my first stop planned, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior is taking me in as she continues on her successful journey... because well, she invited me, and then insisted, and frankly it scares the Jack in the BeJesus Box out of me and this is exactly what I need right now....to exist in my fears, accept them, and move the heck on. 

Hot Body and Plus Size Model are sensing the changes ahead, and it isn't exactly something I can explain to them, I mean people don't necessarily understand what I am doing, how are dogs supposed to right?  There is a possibility that they will be joining me on my travels, but there is also a chance that they will be taking a vacation from me.  I am torn about the  role my mutts play in my clean slate.  I have never treated them or felt like they were children until I really started considering how it would affect my life if they weren't there every single day.  Many tears shed today over this one.  Plus Size Model could handle the changes, but Hot Body would be a mess tooling around back and forth with me and that would send Plus Size Model into a tizzy and the canine world in which I live would surely implode.....this is what I would like to avoid as I am trying to make this journey about me.  I think other people would be better parents to them than I could be in the next chapter and it is breaking my heart.  Plus Size Model, Hot Body, and Myself all deserve stability and it is my responsibility to find it for us.

In the Pursuit of my own smiles, I am keeping myself open to everything and everyone (accept for the Southern man who tried to pick me up on the plane this morning, I am not open to him, he almost convinced me to meet him for a drink until my dear friend Miami and I did a little recon and found lovely pictures of he and his wife online, so no, I am not open to this man....oh also, he tried to tell me the pictures I found were of his brother and then I asked why he and his brother had the same name and the best part is...he kept trying to get me to go for that drink even after that.  I don't thinks so Southern Man I don't think so).  Thanks Miami!

p.s. For every door that closes, another one opens.....and if it doesn't....open it your dang self!