I McPie, Oh Lover

So I am going to tell a story....it isn't my story....but it's a story that I will be feeling the effects of for quite some time....It's about Lover.  Lover has been my Step-dog for 2 months now and he is just amazing (He only tries to chew my arm off when he wants to play I swear...really amazing!).  Lover and Plus Size Model are in love and its hilarious and weird; Lover wants Hot Body's attention so badly he drags her around by her head until she gives in (shakes until she passes out from fear....he would never hurt her...on purpose); and Lover get so jealous of both of them when we are all snuggling that all 85 lbs of him climbs on top of me and joins in....it is heaven heaven heaven.  I jest but I really do love this Cataheeler, one of the best things I have gained from moving in to this house with Owl.  There IS something though, Lover is not good with cats.....the story begins....

Owl had plans to hang out with her friends Mr. and Mrs. Brisk...they have a young cat.  Owl was already out with Lover when it was almost time to be at the house of Brisk so she called to say she had Lover with her and would that be ok as he is not good with cats...Mrs. Brisk said her cat is afraid of dogs and would stay away so not to worry, Owl agreed.  For the record, this was a mutually bad decision between Owl and Mrs. Brisk, but when you are excited to see someone you don't think about these things.  Before you know it, it's 1:00am and I am hearing this story from Owl but she started from the end which is that the cat was stupidly hanging around and Lover chased her, grabbed her off a fence and locked her down.......with his mouth.  Owl and Mr. Brisk pulled Lover away and the cat limped inside.  The next day, Tuesday, Owl received a call from Mrs. Brisk to immediately call the vet who was treating the cat, it was bad.  The vet explained to Owl "Your Lover really did a number on this cat...the fact is the cat will never be the same.  Your Lover has caused complete muscular separation of the cat's front left leg and body.  It's just awful what your Lover has done, the cat will either need 8 months of physical therapy and then an amputation or we will need to put the cat down...but there is good news Owl, yes there is......Your Lover caused the cat such incredible nerve damage that she doesn't feel a thing!"  Oh Lover what have you done!!!  This is not good.

Owl hasn't had the best luck lately and this did not help at all, she has hardly been able to look at Lover for 2 days now.  I know it will be fine (not for the cat) but the fact is, a dog is a dog... and we can't expect even juvenile human obedience from a dog.  As a lifelong pet owner, it's easy to know how this can be forgotten.  Lover is one of the smartest dogs I have ever known, but he is a puppy, an animal puppy, a fast and strong animal puppy full of fast and strong animal puppy energy and sometimes a cat is in the wrong place at the wrong time.......well, sometimes Lover is too.

P.S. FYI, Owl rescued Lover 8 months ago when he was 6 months old.  She just spoke to the original owner yesterday and it turns out Owl spent his first 6 months on a farm killing rodents, and herding goats.......so maybe "Lover is not good with cats" is an understatement.....be at peace cat, we do feel really awful.

P.P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model would be upset if they knew I was writing about Lover and not them.......so how will I keep them from finding out you might ask?  People......they are dogs, they can't read!

A Whole New McPie

So I McPie am the same person I have always been but absolutely different in all the ways that don't matter one bit to you yet mean so much to me and my filled-with-opportunity-and-excitement future.  My life is wonderful (obnoxious), I am saying 'yes' to everything that I want (easy) and 'no' to so many things I never have before (shocking).  I am laughing....as much as possible......and I am angry....as little as possible.......sometimes more than others on both counts.  Fro NoFro and Karat got married and it proved to be nothing less than evolution for my family...the whole darn thing.....and it was monumental on so many levels, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I officially have my blond sister (I have been saying 'blond sister' for so long, old to some people, never to me...and shit, it's my blog).

Now what I really wanted to talk about is this amazingly hilarious and unbelievable thing that happened to me today that seemed the perfect way to start writing again.  So I went to the pharmacy today to pick up my crazy pills (I don't really categorize myself as crazy, nor do the pills make me crazy but somehow it seems that 'crazy pills' is a socially acceptable way of referring to the drugs that stop my anxious brain from blowing through my skull...I'm just saying).  I went to the pick-up counter with the one other item I had picked up on my journey and gave them my name so they could retrieve my prescription.  The pharmacist who I recognize from my monthly pickups looks at me and says "sorry, we don't have that in stock" and my reply was "oh yes you do, I called Friday and you said it would be ready today, then I called this morning and you said my crazy pills were ready for pick up".  The lovely pharmacist, clearly reacting to my tactical use of the term 'crazy pills', decides to go to the drop-off window computer and re-check.  She looks something up and then hollers across the room so that everyone can hear her, even in the section with Depends, "you are right we have them, do you mind if your 'CRAZY PILLS' are in capsule form?" (Her return tactics in shouting across the room to let me know I didn't scare her impressed me, this wasn't a pharmacist to mess with).  So we kept the 'crazy pill' talk going for an incredibly long ten minutes proving that not only do I own my anxiety issues but that she has no respect for them or my privacy...it was amazing...I loved it.  So I am finally ready to pay, I slip her my additional item and she holds it up and says "Can I get a price on this callous scraper?"...I almost died a little bit.........until it got even better....she hands me my bag of things-that-make-me-fabulous, doesn't let go, cocks her head to the side and says...."OMG, did you graduate Blah Blah High School in nineteen ninety blah?"....to which I had to answer "YES...and it was nice to see you too" and then I walked away and laughed really really really hard all the way home...

In hypothetical presumable conclusion, it is safe to say that there will be a large portion of my graduating class that will soon hear that I have gone bat-shit-crazy and have rough-skinned feet......life IS exciting and has a strange way of inspiring me to write again.

P.S. Bat-shit-crazy is an actual-for-reals term because apparently there is something in actual Bat poo that can make a person's brain go haywire.

P.P.S. Everyone puts out good thoughts for my friend OWL until I tell them they don't need to anymore k?

McPie and the Woods

So again there is a gap in my writing, and I could give the excuse that I have been preoccupied with moving into my new house...oh yes, that's what I said....MY NEW HOUSE.....but that's not really why...I don't really like the way I have been writing lately and I have been trying to figure it all out.  I will talk about my NEW HOUSE for a moment....my roommate Shnookums and I have named this house...her name is Elgy and she is 100 years old and has kept in fantastic shape with very few surgeries I mean she doesn't look a day over 35.   Elgy is just lovely.  What Elgy is missing is Lady Shells, The Music Man, Biscuit and Donut but thankfully they are all very close...leaving them was so difficult I almost became a shut-in the last week I was there because I wanted to be that close while I could (I am only a mile away from them now and they have already been over to check the place out but it will be very different without seeing them everyday..I couldn't me more grateful to have them in my life).

Because I am still not sure what to focus on for this post I thought I would be a bit profound by posting some Stephen Sondheim lyrics that feel rather relevant to my life right now....If you don't know Into The Woods read this snippet and just think on it...

To be happy, and forever,
You must see your wish come true.
Don't be careful, don't be clever.
When you see your wish, pursue.
It's a dangerous endeavor,
But the only thing to do-

Though it's fearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though you may lose your path,
Though you may encounter wolves,
You mustn't stop,
You mustn't swerve,
You mustn't ponder,
You have to act!
When you know your wish,
If you want your wish,
You can have your wish,-
No, to get your wish

You go into the woods,
Where nothing's clear,
Where witches, ghosts
And wolves appear.
Into the woods
And through the fear,
You have to take the journey.

Into the woods
And down the dell,
In vain, perhaps,
But who can tell?
Into the woods to lift the spell,
Into the woods to lose the longing,
Into the woods to have the child,
To wed the Prince,
To get the money,
to save the house,
To kill the Wolf,
To find the father,
To conquer the kingdom,
To have, to wed,
To get, to save,
To kill, to keep,
To go to the festival!

Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods
And happy ever after! 

P.S.  Hot Body and Plus Size Model have a new baby step-brother who is literally five times their size..he is projected to be 90 lbs....his name is Lover...he is to die for...When Donut (she is 5) left this morning she said..Lover is my friend, Plus Size Model is my buddy, and Hot Body is my doggy...I just thought I'd share

P.P.S Also, I am excited about meeting all of Shnookums' friends, I met one yesterday and within 60 seconds of meeting him he told me he was black, Jewish and recently broke up with a Little Person....I can tell there are new adventures ahead..:-)

Who Knows Why McPie

So right now I have nothing in particular to write about, I just feel like writing so I'm gonna.  I think I'm just  gonna write about some things I did this week and maybe a few thoughts I had (the clean ones and the happy ones, I will leave out the ones that involved an old Camp Counselor of mine, fists and a spicy yet delicious crab cake).  The first thing I need to do is give a Happy Birthday shout-out to Hot Body and Plus Size Model as they turned 5 this week and don't look a day older than 4......yet on an upsetting note they haven't started pulling their weight around here and I am thoroughly disappointed about that.....I will deal with those feelings another day......meow.

Well last night Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior (sometimes I get exhausted typing that) cooked for a few people and we did a wine tasting to try and help decide which wines we'd be consuming in belligerent amounts at their upcoming nuptials...well in having this wine tasting we planned for me to sleep at their place as we knew there would be a great deal of drink involved and frankly there was a great deal of drink involved and it was fantastic.  I let loose for the first time in quite some time and perhaps my mouth let loose as well but really there is nothing I wouldn't have said sober I just tell things so much more hilariously once I've got a case of the Vino (and by that I am not insinuating that we drank a CASE of vino....well...I mean there were six of us, we were very thirsty).  And then, even after all the intoxication, The Juniors and I made it to Lady Shells' yoga class this morning (well I was there, maybe I was in child's pose more than usual but I was there and if you want proof, find me tomorrow, I am sure I will be walking funny).

I thought quite a bit this week about picking your battles and I don't mean with other people necessarily.....I think it is critical to wisely pick the battles you have with yourself......well at least the battles I have with myself.  There are things worth giving a lot of thought and attention, and their are thoughts that just don't deserve it.  The fact is I am changing everything about my life right now (except for my amazing friends) and this is not easy....really every single part of it hurts...like really freakin' hurts (sometimes I swear I can feel it in my uncus).  Sometimes I am happy and fine and smiling is super easy, like when I saw my Dad and Step-Mom on skype today (I haven't seen them or heard their voices in a while as they have been in France for over a month now and will be for 6 more weeks) it made me so happy I smiled big the whole time.  But other times, I will get a thought in my head that just isn't worth the time of day and that's just it, I have to not indulge the thought and chant new thought new thought new thought (preferably not out loud, I happen to know people will look at you funny like you have a screw loose or something......not from experience though).  Who knows why our brains choose to think about unsettling things, but somehow we have to retrain our brains into compartmentalizing a little better.  All thoughts have their time and frankly I like to schedule those times myself....and one day I will be super awesome at it.

p.s. I know I said I was going to talk about things (plural) and thoughts (plural) and I didn't do that but really I just don't feel like going back and fixing my thesis paragraph right now because it's after ten p.m. which is clearly much later than I am usually awake cause I'm 90.

p.p.s. The link under the word yoga is for Mr. Junior who almost touched his toes this morning WOOHOO!!

McPie is a Joiner

So recently I have realized that I really need to step it up in my social life...my social life is not going to just boost itself so I have to take control of it....how does one lift a social life to the next level I have asked myself and I have realized two things.  The first is that it is a slow process and you must be patient and the second is that you need to tell people you are looking to be more socially active (watch out for just saying active, that might end you up inappropriately dressed on a ten mile hike) no matter how weird that seems.  What I do know is that I am not one to be like hey lets go to a bar because well there are people there and we can get drunk! (unless of course it is with Miami and the posse she claims she doesn't have).  But other than that, there isn't much I won't check out these days, I have decided to be a Joiner...I mean why not....I have always been a huge fan of organized camaraderie (I tried to start a knitting club once, I was the only one who showed up to the first two meetings...ya I canceled that club).

A friend of mine, The Stigma, and I had brunch a few weeks ago downtown and discussed how to inspire/force each other to be more active in our own lives and so far we have put some things on the books that we discussed as to hold each other accountable.  This week we are joining a 12 week meet-weekly-goals program for awesome-chicks-who-need-to-remind-themselves-how-awesome-they are (I imagine that at the very least, The Stigma and I will either feel very accomplished or turn into each others worst bully) AND we are going to cooking class (it's one of those classes where as soon as you are done with the knives they bust open the wine...stoked on this one)....I would say this is a darn good start and I'm not even done.  Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior and I have been taking a yoga class taught by Lady Shells every Sunday morning (Mr. Junior may not be able to touch his toes, but he does some mean frog pose I tell ya....mmmmrrrrrrribbiiiitttt) and there are other things I have been doing as well that I will keep secret...well just because I want to see if I can keep my own secret.

The thing is, I have always sort of stuck my nose up at any sort of regular organized group situation that had anything to do with bettering anything and the fact is that is probably a clear indication that I need it.  I want to be as secure by myself as I am in a room full of people.  I know how bass ackwards that sounds but it is true.  When I started this blog, my future seemed pretty clear to me and it isn't anymore....HOWEVER...that is just fine (most of the time)!  Even though it isn't always the most comfortable, I would rather join the world that is living around me, than shut myself away and do only the things I know are secure....because right now that isn't enough....and I don't think it ever should or will be.  If I was a dude, I would tell you that right now it is time for me to grow a pair.....too bad I'm not a dude.

p.s. I lied when I said there isn't much I won't check out...there are a lot of things I absolutely won't check out..... 1) Organized roller coaster fanatics 2) Swimming with sharks 3) Save the rain forests...too much discussion of bananas 4) The Young Republicans and 5) any sort of event where Mini-Me might show up (probably should have been #1)

No Fair McPie

So life isn't fair duh.  Nothing is fair duh.  I McPie is not fair, ask Hot Body and Plus Size Model.  Duh Duh Duh.  But still it really sucks when shit is not fair.  Now I am not going to post some giant complaint about why me this and why me that, I want to discuss, with reason, how some people have one thing while others have another.  Why the grass that I think is greener is actually poisoning it's owner (that was amazingly poetic, go McPie!).  We all have buttons and we all PUSH buttons and I'm not sure that life would be very exciting or entertaining if we didn't...I mean, it might not be frustrating and maddening either, but it definitely wouldn't be joyous and exhilarating (adjectives are like crack when I'm writing, I just can't get enough of 'em).

The thing is I can get through some serious crap..and I have, but I can put myself right back in the middle of it when for one second I think about how the experiences that were crap to me were just a bump in the road to someone else.  But there are examples where I was on the other side of it...like my first theatrical part (school play) as Wilbur in Charlotte's Web.....well it was such a big part for a third grader that we would alternate playing the role.  Now, I was always excited to have the lead, I loved every moment of it, I even remember my first line "I'm not fat, they say I'm growing nicely" (if you know me, you are rolling on the floor laughing right now).  Now the little boy who played Wilbur when it was his turn never once saw how awesome it was that he had the lead, he was just pissed that he had to share it and that he couldn't be Wilbur all the time.....I bet you he isn't even over it today and that in his memories I have devil ears (hahaha that would be awesome)...he probably never took to the stage again (until fourth grade when we forced to do the colonial plays).  My point is simply that I don't expect life to be fair, I don't expect people to have the same level of experience and emotion but I do, with every ounce of me, wish there was a balance.   Maybe if I was more understanding (and less proud) of the way my fellow Wilbur had felt, he wouldn't have acted like he hardly remembered me when we ran into each other in Boston 10 years later when I was feeling lost and looking for something to connect to.  Maybe balancing these feelings of life's unfairness comes with recognizing how NOT unique most life experiences are, how so many other people have been through exactly what we have and they are all getting along just fine.  Your bump, my mountain....our hill.

I have also come to realize in my 31 years and eight months on this earth that the people who generally claim to be the luckiest are actually the most miserable bastards out there;  the ones who seem to live in a sink or swim pattern (such as myself) generally have so much to feel lucky about they just can't always see through the muggy waters,  and the ones who claim to have no luck at all, need to change their luck themselves....starting with their thoughts.

p.s.  I highly suggest clicking on the link under the word "crack"...it's pretty genius if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Congratulations to American Pie and Water Boy, it was a beautiful wedding!! xoxoxoxoxo

p.p.p.s Oh Moscato, you sake me so good!

Through All Space and McPie

So last night I had a much anticipated and long awaited thrice-time-rescheduled reunion with the most dear woman, Moscato.  Now I have hardly known Moscato 9 months, but we instantly connected when we met, yet had been recently separated due to circumstance and scheduling, so we were going on three months of not hangin' until last night.  You know when sometimes you just want clarity and you think you have looked everywhere for it that you could possibly think of and it still doesn't come?  Well I got clarity last night, who knows how long it will last, I definitely wasn't expecting it (In fact, I was expecting a post-Moscato meltdown) and it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but sometimes, the right person at the right time with the right voice in the right surroundings makes every bit of difference in the world.  The in-between-the-lines of our conversation was so much about control and uncertainty, two things every person I have ever met struggles with, it's just a matter of to what level and how we each deal with it.

What is the one thing in the world that we, as people, cannot control...everything (except for ourselves) is the one thing, the all things.  I cannot, could not, nor will ever be able to control the weather, or if I get somewhere on time, or Hot Body's barking, or sociopaths and narcissists (well all people for that matter, sociopaths and narcissists can't even be pushed around though.....no fun at all!), or whether or not I am going to be at this job forever.  The thing is, there are lots of things we can do to lead things in certain directions, and to persuade the universe to act in our favor, but the fact is absolutely every outcome is absolutely uncertain until it becomes an outcome.  And what does I McPie do with this knowledge....I McPie obsess, my mind spins, and I go bat shit crazy. 

I recently spent a large amount of my head space feeling completely out of control and uncertain of my financial stability and job situation.  As I have posted, this has now changed, I am working and should be financially stable until I get fired (just kidding, but some guy did come to work drunk on Monday, my second day of work, and got fired.....I would so not ever get caught if I went to work drunk, that guy was an idiot).  So now, this space in my feeble mind that was filled with madness, is now empty and free to obsess about other things, things like an animated version of myself committing violent acts towards those who have wronged and wondering how I could have done things differently so I could have been more in control of certain situations.  Now what does this get me?  Absolutely squat! It just makes me sad and angry and sad again.  And then I hear something from the brilliant Moscato: McPie, you need to relish these moments of sadness and anger, these are the moments that make all of the amazing moments in our lives feel so amazing. 


P.s. I have been doing this raw/clean eating cleanse with Lady Shells this week and OMG and if you don't know what quantum detox is.......holy wow my brain.

P.P.s I want to comment on my own comment about control and narcissists and sociopaths, these are dangerous people to get involved with (I have worked with, dated, and am related to some), these are the kind of people that cause hindsight control obsessions (you like how I am all clinical and make believe there?) a narcissist (A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem) and a sociopath (a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience) are different in one big way I have found, a narcissist wears it on their sleeve, they can't help but let you know how amazing they are all the time but a sociopath can be a sneaky rat bastard, they can be all sly about it until all of a sudden they can't anymore and BAM you have been fooled....sneaky mothers.

One Fine McPie

So today I began my new job as Upper Management in a corporate job/career.   How the what the huh? you might be thinking....well don't fret, I am thinking the same thing but let me tell you it is all fine, not great, not bad, it's fine........and yes this could change as I have only been there one day.  What's great about it really is everything from the hours to the nice people to the offices to the location to my ability to do the work and matter to the company.  What's not great about it is just that really who cares...it's not really going to change anyone's life.  So this middles out at fine and I am totally fine with that right now.  I can leave my work at work, that is what kind of job this is, I will not get emotionally invested and risk heartbreak at this job and that is wonderful for me right now and maybe forever (lets not pretend I haven't fantasized about taking over....this is me we are talking about)

One of the things about working in a corporate office I realized is that I need to dress like I work at a corporate office (currently I wear what is comfortable and I can bounce in should I be overcome with the urge to bounce).  This means no more leggings and empire-wasted sundresses, no more uggs and flats and no more "I love my out of control awkward I-just-woke-up after not showering for three days curly hair" (I cut all my hair off a month ago and when neglected, issnasocute).  Now people who know me know that I do not shop....well for myself....I hate it.  I take after my Mother this way (just to interject, my mother is stunning wearing thirty-year-old sweats, she can get away with this better than most people).  I wear hand-me-downs or the latest fashions from Tarjais or (my favorite) the fabulous pieces my Step-Mom gets me (I do believe we have an unspoken mission to teach me how to dress my age.....actually, it isn't remotely unspoken....I'd look like a Hobo half the time if it weren't for her).   Now my stylist (Step-Mommy) wasn't in town and I needed clothes for my new job so together we looked at pictures on the internet of the kind of dresses I should be looking for, I received my instructions and was sent out into the big mean world of shopping for women who have thighs and asses (one ass per woman to be clear......well I have heard you can have two butts if you absorb your twin in utero.............why is that weird?).

By myself, shaking out of my flip-flops, I headed into Nordstrom Rack where I figured I'd get so much more bang for my buck.  Thirty minutes later, my left arm muscles throbbing from carrying 14 dresses all by itself, I walked out of the dressing room, handing every single not-good dress (all 14) to the fitting room attendant, walked straight to my car empty-handed, drove directly home (didn't pass go) and passed out for two hours from overwhelming exhaustion.....I had specific instructions, had been advised professionally (If my Step-Mom isn't considered a professional shopper, there ain't no such thing), and still completely failed my mission.  When I woke up, the dream I had about showing up at my new job in a flowy floral tank dress and slippers put a fire under my ass and I was at Macy's faster than Plus-Size-Model and Hot Body ate the three-day-old hard-boiled Easter eggs I gave them after I had forgotten to feed them for 36 hours (oops).  Macy's proved to be a success, well Vicki the sales lady was the success AND she let me use the same coupon the customer ahead of me in line had used......double score!!!  I purchased a beautiful gray Calvin Klein dress (now lets see if I don't get too scared to ruin it....I mean wear it) :-)   

P.S.  I need to give my Mother some credit here for my awesome skills, she did always teach me the importance of staples in the wardrobe......like a great black dress.....I have TWO!  Thank you Mama and Step-Mama!!!!

McPie is Changing Colors

So again it has been a while since I have posted anything.  The truth is, I McPie have been blue.  I have been home for some time now and it looks like I will be staying here.  If I leave again, I feel as though I will simply be postponing the feelings I am experiencing now and that is just no good I tell you.  So here I am, dealing with the reality of my life, trying to turn blue into bright yellow or orange or something that glows so brightly it gives off heat.

Since I have been home I have participated in a couple bridal showers, finished a class, seen most of my friends AND family, applied and interviewed for jobs (which clearly I will do until the right one makes a decent offer and by decent  I mean any) and I have even been rollerblading at the beach and now, other than job searching, I don't know how to fill my time.  I SHOULD be writing again as I haven't since I have been home (this is my start) and I SHOULD be participating in more physical activities (I am actually sick so this will wait a few more days).  Fro NoFro has recently started working at my new favorite coffee shop with free wireless, so while I have the time, I do intend to go there everyday and write (not just blogging, do not fret, I promise not to overwhelm your inboxes) whether he is working or not.  In terms of exercise, I could be going to all of Lady Shells' classes but I am having issues with the building that houses most of these classes, I know that sounds nuts, but better to be mad at a building than an entire community of people capiche? Honestly though there are many forms of exercise as we all know and I am walking distance from my gym so really I have no excuse.... but I sure do know how to make 'em!

Anyhoodeehoo....with all of this time I have had ample time to think and reflect, somehow it's different than the thinking and reflecting I was doing when I was out of town, as that reflecting was more recent past and this reflecting seems to be more distant past when really the only thing I NEED to and WANT to be thinking about is my present and my future.  There are occurrences that took place in my life a couple months ago that I won't talk about here but these happenings effected my ability to see my own future...in fact I can't even think about it half of the time.  A few months ago, I was sure I knew what my future looked like, not every detail of course, but I believed that things I had always wanted I would have, I was sure of it.  It's not that I think these things are out of the question for my future, but there is no way for me to be sure about them at this moment.  The thing is, for most of my life I was so scared I would never have what I always wanted, then everything I wanted was dangled in front of my face and it was amazing...until of course it wasn't anymore, and then, in the most despicable way, that dangling future was gone.....and guess what......it will be fine, but somehow, I have to have faith that I will have all the things I want and dream of again....it's just really hard to see it now and that is what I am working on and that's why I am a bit blue (picture a turquoise blue, it really brings out my eyes and the red in my hair).


P.S.  I changed the look of my blog in hopes that if I McPie am orange and yellow than I will actually become orange and yellow (I don't actually believe in this color crap, I am just trying to keep my chin up)

A McPie Awakening

So what you are about to read is something I stumbled upon on the internet (typos and all) and I had to post it because.......well.....I like totally get this man....(I'm actually being serious, this anonymous piece is right on.)

The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

p.s. I will write something original soon....I think

A Doggy McPie Reunion

So today I am back home (well actually I got home last night but I was in too much a state of shock to write anything).  I am staying with friends so close I consider them family and on top of that they are also letting Hot Body and Plus Size Model stay here as well.  I picked up the pups today and it was like a scene out of a really bad movie where some children are kidnapped and their mother sobs about it for ages and does nothing but call people to see if they have heard anything while eating all the food her dear friends and neighbors have brought her because clearly the woman can't take care of herself while in such a distraught state and there are never any clues but occasional untraceable emails with photos of the kids sitting on current news papers until one day their is a knock on the door and its the children and the children cry and lick their mother uncontrollably while nibbling on her ears and running around in circles and returning to lick and nibble all over again and the whole time the mother just sits on the ground in shock and bawls; no one ever finds out where the children were and really who cares...it was a bad movie.  Anyhow I have my girls back and the truth is it feels wonderful, weird, and awful at the same time.

The unconditional love you get from pets is unmatchable, its just a fact, but you must be capable of loving them unconditionally in return even though they won't ever have a normal conversation with you (and by normal, I mean they have very short attention spans, they only ever want to talk about food, walking, and cuddling....so annoying).  Also, you have to be patient because you will often be covered in fur, barked at while on the phone, or awoken from a deep slumber so they can take a pee and/or poo.  Now I am aware I am telling you nothing you don't already know but these are the things that are currently making me feel awful about having them back.  Within five seconds of our reunion I was covered in dog hair and for the first time it annoyed the crap out of me, I have been dog hair free for five weeks and frankly, it was amazing.  The fact is that I hardly have patience for myself right now, and having patience for them seems almost impossible, and taking it out on them is the last thing I want to do. 

We have been cuddling all afternoon and it has been wonderful, I mean even as I sit here and blog, Plus Sized Model is curled up behind my butt (and by the way she has definitely gained weight, heifer) and Hot Body is sleeping on last night's pajamas as to make sure she can smell me in her slumber.  Maybe this is a test for me to be patient once again.  I have been incredibly impatient with myself and what I have been going through and maybe they are here to help me get that part of myself back.  Unless they are here to distract me so that I can take care of them instead of myself...in which case I will start making empty threats towards them involving cats, skateboards and boot camp (I wanted to say fat camp but I thought that might be rude and single out one dog over the other)...

p.s. I was told that they were incredibly behaved while I was gone ................ and also they picked up a humping habit........really? ladies please!

Not a McPie Place

So this morning, while doing my morning not-so-banker Banker work, one of my temporary co-workers asked me if I thought I might stay in town and I looked at him, cocked my head to the side, and said no I don't think so.  He grinned and said no? And I said no, culturally this place isn't really going to work for me.  Now I need to interrupt myself for a moment (I know my interrupting myself doesn't shock anyone who knows me, be grateful I'm not interrupting you right now as I have been told how terribly annoying it is on more than one occasion...I'm working on it)  and say how the two gentlemen I work with most here are rather great guys, my supervisor, MAN G, and the other guy, MAN S.  To continue, MAN S, the coworker who grinned said ya culturally this place is a little... (pause grin again) and I said ya, that's because of the church right (I swear I didn't interrupt him, he wasn't going to finish that sentence, you could tell)? and he said ya, I mean I'm part of the church but my parents raised me to be very open minded and for a lot of people they just think everyone outside of this bubble is crazy.  And of course I replied ya, most people here would definitely think I am crazy, see I am Jewish.  MAN S than said really?  and MAN G said really you are a Jew?  your parents are Jewish?  your not a Jew your not Jewish...I repeated that yes I am.  Neither of these guys had an issue with me being Jewish but it was just a perfect example of how unlikely it is for a Jew (I McPie) to be in the "city" where I am right now, these people were in fact shocked to meet one.

I should also tell you I had a very similar conversation with a female temporary co-worker yesterday morning where she asked me where I was from and I said, I am from Los Angeles.  She responded, wait did you say Los Angeles?  I said yes.  She said so you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes again.  She said so you aren't from here you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes a third time and I kid you not it went on like this for two minutes.  I couldn't tell if she thought I was part alien or she couldn't believe that someone from Los Angeles would be in this town (this is shocking only in there is quite a film industry out here and you'd think everyone here would know that).  I really don't know if all of this has to do with people in this town not being aware of the outside world (or closing their eyes to it) or if it is that people in this bank aren't aware of anything outside this building.  I tend to go with the first option as I said, the two gentlemen I converse with most are very down to earth, they are also not from here.

Now, I need to make something clear, I am not trying to stereotype people from this town (I know I have never even said where it is, I only just said I was from Los Angeles for the first time).  Through Mrs. Junior's work I have met some really cool locals, and I admit I was shocked that some of them had been born and raised here.  But the truth is, the majority of this town's population does have a religous center in their lives and it is incredibly different from the forces that play central roles in mine. This being said, and bringing it back to the beginning, if the thought of ever living here permanently did cross my mind at any point, it quickly crossed back to where it came from, this just isn't my place and my people aren't here...I'm sure of it.

p.s.  Neither MAN G or MAN S were harmed in any way during my employment here....as for the female co-worker...I can't say.

Banker (not so much) McPie

So I McPie is a Banker this week...not really.  That is completely a load but I am working with a bunch of them, and I get to do a lot of things with checks and numbers (in case I have never said this, I LOVE numbers, we are easy friends Numbers and I...but I hate calculators, I find them useless, unless of course I need the SINE, COSINE or TANGENT of something...and lets face it, who the hell needs those).  Anyhow, I am rediscovering how much I love doing tedious work and learning new computer programs, now I don't believe I would love it if it was all I did forever, but right now it's like heaven, and I do crap like this perfectly, and I impress people, and its such an ego boost and thank god for Daniele who I am temping for and is currently tanning in Hawaii! (I should also mention that Daniele has a giant bowl of Jelly Bellies on her desk, so people visit me all day long and I have to apologize because I ate all the pear and cotton candy flavored ones yesterday....really, I am sorry, not really)

* You will notice there are lots of links in this blog, the middles of my days at the bank are slow so I am learning tricks (not the magical kind clearly, just the lame attempts to make money kind).

Right now, I think it's good for me to have things to do besides the things I have been doing, and being a not-so-banker Banker gives me that.  What would be really awesome is if every week I could be a different kind of not-so-something Something so I would be learning new strange things and be continuously busy, but unfortunately, starting next week, I will be in a much larger pool of people looking for not-so-something Something jobs because I will be heading home and home is much bigger than here.  By the way, this is not to say that I am not excited to go home, well actually I am not excited to go home, but I am not NOT excited either, I'm just kinda like wow, I'm going home....but I live in a storage unit. (Actually I do, but I have somewhere fantastic to hunker down while I am getting ready for what is next).

When I get home, I am going to do so much yoga with Lady Shells, and I am going to get certified in a thing or two (not yoga....yet).  And of course I am doing this because I want to make my resume look even more all over the place than it already does....do I have to put not-so-banker Banker on there now too?  Needless to say things in my life feel strange at the moment, I have come to terms with certain things that were freaking me out (like being kinda homeless) and other things I am still working through (like being kinda career-less amongst other things I am less) but I am really trying to focus on the things that I am full of (like myself :-)).....I know that was so only half funny and I know how ironic it is too and so does Alanis Morissette of course...

p.s. Midge is flying in Friday night so she can drive home with me Saturday and I am really excited and grateful...I am full of wonderful people (if you are thinking what I think you are thinking than you are sick!)

McPie is a Bargainin'

So I am talking to Booty this morning on video chat and she explained to me that I am in a bargaining phase.  How so one might ask (or maybe one might not...who knows), well Booty explained to me that all these questions that are all of a sudden popping up in my head (by the way, all of a sudden there are so many questions popping up in my head) about random things that have occurred in the past year  combined with the insane dreams I have been having (ya having lots of insane dreams again, for example, ones where I am meeting friends late at night and I have until Midnight to convince them all the decisions they are making are berserk) are me trying to change the actuality of situations that are mostly in the past.  I am essentially trying to bargain for change which as we all know can't happen, the past is the past, whats done is done, move on right?  oh how it sounds so simple.

How do you put the past in the past and focus on the future when the past is in your face all the flippin' time (yes, getting out of Dodge is very helpful but eventually you have to go back to Dodge).  We are so fantastic at recording our lives these days with photos and videos and email and I think we all believe that these mementos we are taking with us are so wonderful but the fact is, they aren't always.  We used to just put photos in albums on shelves, or boxes in closets and take them out when we wanted, look at the ones we wanted to, smile, laugh, scream at bad haircuts and it was fantastic, but it isn't that simple anymore.  They are on our computers, our social networks, our phones AND everyone else's computers, networks and phones and no matter where you store them, they are always there and you see them all the time whether you want to or not and something special is lost in that because maybe you don't want to see them all the time and no there is no reason to get excited about digging through photos in a box because that box no longer exists.  The other thing, is that it changes history by omitting anything unpleasant.  Digital is cheap so we record absolutely everything, to the point where we could all probably do flip books of our lives and it would play in real time (k, I know that is a little bit of an exaggeration). The thing is though, we don't photograph and video experiences that don't make us happy so in digital hindsight, everything can often seem better than it was and convince our small little brains that our not-so-great memories aren't real.  This I believe is bargaining, using anything we/I can to convince ourselves/myself that things may have been different than what I thought a minute ago and different than what I will think in the next minute or so when I am inundated with some cyber reminder of something.  What am I going to do, cut myself off completely from the world and go live with pandas? I really do love a nice panda....it's a thought.

p.s.  I was video chatting (my new obsession in case anyone was wondering, I'm late to this game) with a dear friend Captain Hook(er), and he was showing me all these photos from years ago and it was wonderful because I would never have seen them anywhere as they were taken on a camera that uses film (FILM: a cellulose nitrate or cellulose acetate composition made in thin sheets or strips and coated with a sensitive emulsion for taking photographs.)  Thanks for making me smile so much Captain Hook(er)!!!

p.p.s.  What I forgot to mention, and part of my point, wass that I didn't bring a camera with me on this journey.  I have questioned if that was the right thing to do or not, but the fact is, a picture cannot capture the journey I am on right now and I don't want to remember it if it isn't worth remembering.  My feeling is that I will one day look back on this experience and remember what a profound time in my life it is, not how I was living in the middle of the strangest city I have ever been in or the the painfully beautiful mountains around me.  If I don't remember it, that will be ok too, but I have to trust my mind on this one, I want to experience this, go through it, as uncomfortable as it can be at times, and hopefully I will remember how amazingly I survived and came out on top and I won't want to change a thing about it or wish it was different in any way.

p.p.p.s.  I have a camera on my phone and I'm not afraid to use it!

McPie Plays Limbo

So it occurs to me that I have no idea how to take care of myself.  I have constantly, throughout my life found other people and things to take care of.  I am not trying to make myself sound selfless here, I am stating a severe flaw that has hindered me and is currently hindering my ability to figure out what is next for me.  Now I am learning that this is an incredibly important thing to know how to do and I am also learning that it isn't something that people can teach you as the methods are unique to each person.  Some people tell me to get up get up get up, keep moving through it, don't let bad feelings get you down after all they are feelings and they are temporary (this is the method I have been practicing since I took my clean slate and ran with it).  Other people tell me that I should just chill out for a minute, stay in bed, lick my wounds, feel the fear and move through it when I am ready, after all, you wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to get up and walk would you? (thanks Mrs. Junior for that analogy, I said it three times yesterday).

The truth is that I have two serious emotions battling it out inside of me and its a bit nauseating.  My head knows how exciting all these possibilities could be, but I have always followed my heart and it is scared out of it's pants (my heart wears cowgirl pants in case anyone is wondering).  So everyday, I wake up not knowing if my heart is going to win or my head will take the lead.  It may seem like something I should have more control over but really this world is filled with things that remind me of other things, and these other things often remind me of the fact that I have detached myself from all responsibilities, given up any semblance of stability to find new things (If I find a pot of gold, I will share I promise!), so even if the day starts out strong, it can turn into a mess fest without any warning.  It's a strange feeling to feel like you have so much and absolutely nothing all at the same time and that's where I am....in limbo I guess (happens to be a gorgeous place in the mountains, how lucky am I!).

Anyhow, there is a Karate Kid Marathon on today and I feel obligated to watch it....talk about fighting your way to the top when the world (cobra kai) is keeping you down. NO MERCY!!!

p.s. I have argued with people over whether or not Daniel LaRusso was hot.....um yes he was.

Cope-ability McPie

So I am realizing now the enormity of what I did last weekend.  I let go of everything tying me to a place I have lived for 20 years (minus 3.5 years during college) except for an itty bitty storage unit near Fro NoFro and Karat.  This is big huge seismic large huge holy Godzilla huge what-have-I-done ginormous thing.  Well I am taking care of myself and taking control.  I feel like I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I desperately need to get it back.  Isn't it strange how we make decisions ourselves, take control of our own lives, and then feel totally out of control over everything......

As individuals, we all cope with things differently...really really differently.  It isn't just how we are raised or where we grew up or even who our parents are, I mean these things all play a role, but it is also our chemistry.  I have two sisters and one brother with the same parents and same history yet none of us are remotely similar and we deal with things as differently as humanly possible.  And don't misread that please, we all take care of each other very well.  I believe that I McPie have a delayed reaction to big things in my life and I think it is a coping mechanism.  If I spazzed-out the moment things happen instead of two to three days later, nothing would actually ever happen because in case you hadn't noticed, I do things in extremes (I graduated college in 3.5 years because I convinced myself that I wasn't going to graduate on time so took an obscene amount of classes hence graduating early....a bit extreme nest-ce pas?).  This way, I do something GIGANTOR and then freak about it later when it is too late to go back.  Generally, I don't want to go back, I just want to get through and that is what is happening to me now.  I just want to be at the part when I know what is next.  I have been told in the recent past not to focus so hard on the future because I really have no idea what it has in store, but the truth is that it is really hard to focus on the present when it feels so uncertain.

Perhaps I am supposed to focus on what is certain, and that is me right, I am certainly stuck with myself therefore I am going to be present through whatever it is that I do so I should focus on me right?  I am the first person to admit that I would much rather focus on you than me because my nature says that it is easier.  Still I go forward because I know that despite how freaked out I may be over my recent decisions, they are the right decisions....as is my decision to go to the gym right now.

p.s.  I went to the gym yesterday and there were people there, rest easy and I am sorry I have no catastrophic gym stories to share this time

p.p.s. So I went to the gym, and there were people there and I'm listening to some hardcore hip hop gettin' my treadmill on and on the gym TV they re-run the footage of the figure skater whose mother died a couple days ago and her amazing performance last night and she starts crying and I let a wale like nobody's business, it just blurted out and I starting bawling like a maniac.......no I didn't fall off the treadmill, but man did I make a scene.....damnit!

Free Bird McPie

So it's done, with the help of Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior and Woof Woof, I am no longer a resident of this town, I won't go as far as to say it isn't home or anything, but I will say that I live nowhere right now.  I drove a 14' truck from U-haul to my now old apartment, to Fro NoFro's house, to the storage unit and back to U-haul all in a six hour period with Mr. Junior by my side the whole time (thanks Mrs. Junior for lending him to me, you scored!).  The ONLY thing that went wrong today was that the u-haul battery was dead when I got in it right after we packed the whole thing up (I say 'we', I don't mean 'we', I mean 'they'....although, my legs are all bruised and I can't explain it for the life of me).  Mr. Junior of course tried to jump start it with his luxury vehicle but the puppy was dead, so a AAA semi came, jumped us and we were off.  It was so smooth, the whole thing, I have moved a lot, but this was pretty good.

I was really freaking myself out thinking about how I would probably freak out as soon as we left the storage unit because that would be when all of this would feel real, I mean really real.  And I did freak out, well not really, I kinda just got worked up for a minute, cried for three minutes, and then I breathed and I realized that I was really ok with all of this, in fact I am really good with all of this, and then of course I got overwhelmed by the fact that I was ok and not freaking out, thinking that something must be wrong with me because I wasn't completely panicked and hysterical.  Well maybe less is wrong with me now that I am holding on to nothing, I am a free bird.  I do feel a bit too old to be this bird per-Se, but it is clearly the thing I need to be right now.

I said before that this town is still my home and I would like to discuss for a moment.  The famous saying that home is where the heart is is kind of a crock to me right now; I think 'home' is where your 'stuff' is....period.  Any of my parents might argue that 'home' is where your parents are but really that's just not feasible.  If 'home' is where the heart is, than I live all over the place........actually, I kinda do live all over the place, cause all over the place is kinda the same as nowhere, so maybe that wasn't the best example...I'll try this again.  If 'home' is where the heart is than I am lost...and the truth is, yes I have said I am lost  a lot lately but I am not, my heart is, but I am not (I am out there finding things; can't be lost if you can find things now can ya).  I know that I will be back here (in fact, I will be back so many times before I am actually back here that it is kinda crazy.....I'm like a jetsetter of sorts) everyone I love is here and frankly, this is where my 'stuff' is......see what I mean, home is where your stuff is I'm just putting that out there....

p.s.  Snoop, American Pie, Midge, Fres, Miami, Dishy, Karat, Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior and Woof Woof made this weekend so survivable for me.......I know they all have strange names but blame their parents..don't hold it against them.

Regret Nothing McPie

So I'm thinkin' (which I know can be dangerous) about words, and regret, and what if things were different kinda stuff.  You know those moments when you think to yourself, oh my god, how funny would it have been if I had said that, or what if I hadn't taken that job, or why didn't I say that in that moment......well I'm wondering things like this right now.  I'm not someone who regrets many things, I do feel strongly that what's done is done, but right now, in this moment, that strength of mine is weakening and I know this feeling is not unique to me.

In my life so far, I have probably said too much in my professional life, while in my relationships and personal life, I maybe haven't always said enough (I know this is hard to believe considering the amount of and the speed at which I speak).  In this new space I am in, I have the time to be thinking about these things and I wonder if there is an expiration date on continuing conversations that, in theory, ended a long time ago.  Sometimes people bring up something a few days old and say hey i got to thinking and I really hope I didn't offend you the other day and I wanted to say sorry, and then I got to thinking about this and that and this and that and you have a whole new conversation about something but it never would have happened had the first one not taken place.  In a case like this, I think maybe conversations don't end.  What I am wondering is how you know when it is appropriate to go back?  I guess if it is self serving than never...right?  I don't know.  You can't change anything that has already happened, I know this, unless of course you are Doc Brown and you have a really awesome delorian and a really fancy flux capacitor, then in that case you can do it three times, well two past one future, but then again the future will become the past at some point so three times.

A job that ended for me very abruptly last year still hasn't left my system.  To this day, I still feel like I have so much to say to so many people and trust me I said so much to so many people already, in fact, I am sure at points I made an ass of myself I said so much, but seriously, when and how do you let it go?  Everyone says that time is this great healer or fixer or whatever it is, and I believe it, but sometimes I have a strange feeling that you can speed it up...... then again I have another strange feeling that says my strange feeling about speeding it up is totally wrong.   Even sometimes when I think of something that would have been hilarious to say, I literally keep it in my head just waiting for the next opportunity to say it, I mean it's awesome when people laugh and who wants to miss a chance for that (however, when I finally do say it, it is so clear I have been anticipating it that the laugh is generally at me instead of with me, but who cares, I'll lose a little respect if it gets people smiling).  I don't really regret anything, I mean that, but I also don't want to start now. 

p.s. Actually there is something I regretted once, I had my hair died red, brown and blond, it was like color blocks, this guy told me it looked like I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my head and even though that made no sense at all, I really really regretted that dye job.

Don't Honk at McPie...even if you love me and my bumper sticker tells you to.....which it doesn't

So as I was pulling out of the garage this morning, driving at a normal garage driving speed when some guy behind me honked at me, as if I wasn't driving fast enough I assume, which is ridiculous considering where I am currently living people drive like snails and I was in a GARAGE.  So I McPie was instantly in a what the hell kinda day is this going to be mood.  THEN i drove two blocks and heard an amazing conversation.  I was at a stop light, windows down and I listened to a fantastic interaction between two homeless men sitting on the street right next to my car.  The first guy says  dumb dumbs, they are so stupid, all of them and the second guy says who and the the first guy says people.  And then I thought about how I totally agree with the first homeless guy and how mean that is of me but I do have a mean streak even if hasn't reared it's ugly head in a while which I am shocked by considering the state I am in and the state that I am in.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I have a mean streak and my response is well it's because people are stupid, just like the homeless guy said.  I do believe that people's level of intelligence should be based mostly on how they apply common sense in their every day lives, not on how much education they have.  I am someone who constantly speaks with conviction, even when nine times out of ten I am wrong about what I am talking about, I don't believe this makes me an idiot (Snoop and I actually joke on a regular basis about how people should believe the exact opposite of what I say, even I know I am wrong....what?  I am not lying, I actually do believe what I am saying, but I am never shocked when I find out I was wrong, is my point...).  I know that people's versions of common sense are sometimes different than mine but this is where I become dumbfounded.  For every action there is a reaction correct?  So it is safe to assume that if you do something like say honk at me, I am going to react.  Stick with me for a second, I will bring this circle around. 

On this morning's occasion, my reaction was subtle, unnoticeable to the honker in fact, but had I stopped my car, gotten out and went to talk to the honker to ask what his problem was, he should not have been shocked, especially since I would have been incredibly sweet (I am a firm believer in killing people with kindness).  The Honker (who in case it isn't clear I believe to be incredibly stupid) would have acted shocked I am sure and that is when I would become mean regardless of what his reasoning was.  And by mean, after making sure I didn't see a gun anywhere in his car, I would have told him he is a jerk and a stupid person (and yes, I expect a reaction from that as well but I would have walked away, actually, I never would have gotten out of my car to talk to him because that in itself is stupid).  I know that this didn't happen, and there is no way of knowing that the Honker would have acted shocked, I mean maybe he thought the back of my head was cute and he wanted me to get out of my car......what, the back of my head is cute, have you seen my curls?  It is so dumb to honk at someone if you aren't trying to warn them that they are going to crash into you or someone else, it's just obnoxious.  Yell with your windows up if you need to, but really stop honking it's stupid stupid stupid (yes it's possible that I am an awful driver and get honked at more than most people which is why I am so annoyed right now but report me, don't honk, everyone hears that and I promise it won't make me a better driver).

p.s.  I think I may still be sore over this time when I was 16 and I was stopped to pull into a parallel parking spot on my street (I am an AMAZING parallel parker FYI), blinker on and plenty of space to go around me, when some crazy lady pulled up next to me, held her hand on her horn opened her window and yelled BITCH at me at the top of her lungs.  I cried for hours, why the hell did that lady call me a bitch...she doesn't even know me.  OK, ya, honking just brings back bad memories....do what you will....

Temporary McPie

So apparently I McPie am some sort of temp genius, I mean 2.5 hours of testing later I received an 8 and rumor has it, no one has ever gotten a 9 (there is no 10 and most people score 5 sometimes 6).  As silly an ego boost this is, it is an ego boost none the less.  I walked out of my interview this morning feeling rather tall I must say.  Then I went straight to the social security office to order a new card and was thrown in a room with 50 some odd strangers and had to wait like the rest of them, apparently that 8 I received did absolutely nothing for my status.  This isn't actually what I wanted to write about but I had to brag...you know how it is.

I have been thoroughly busy since early yesterday morning and it has felt really good.  Yesterday afternoon, I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a couple months.  No one was there, this could have been a bad thing considering I generally pace myself with some one on a neighboring treadmill or feel the need to work hard just in case someone happens to look at me, I mean there is no way I am going to half ass it if there are people in the gym (also when I am bored but must keep going, I make up stories in my head about the inevitable crazy person on the bike in the corner, it really makes time fly I tell you).  I got on the machine anyway (assuming this was going to be thoroughly boring) and decided I wasn't going to push it as it has been so long, I am at a high altitude and I am not totally confident that I have been getting the proper nutrition lately.  So i picked my music (I am kind of a freak by the way when it comes to work out music, yes I can blast hip hop, but I can also blast Pachel Bell and get my heart rate up) today I decided to listen to an album I was listening to in July, the last time life didn't feel particularly close to perfect.  What happened when I began my 45 minutes of cardio is the last 6+ months of my life began playing back in my head AND in slow motion (yes I am aware slow motion six months in 45 minutes made no sense, but it happened).  At moments I would get really upset and my eyes would well up (these moments made me appreciate that I was alone in the gym) and then other moments I would become enraged and start singing out loud to the music (another set of moments when I relished being alone....actually, I think some janitorial staff came in saw me and ran out, I only think that because I saw the end of someone kicking the water stand, exit abruptly and not look back...and they were wearing a janitorial uniform).  When I finished my cardio and a bit of stretching I felt really good, it was incredibly cathartic (by the way, look up cathartic on dictionary.com, it's kinda ewwy). 

I know the key to this whole clean-slate new-life do-anything-I-want-to phase is to accept how I got here and that I AM here and that everything I am feeling is as temporary as the jobs I am about take on, maybe even more so, but knowing that I need to accept this and and actually accepting this are two very different things.  I don't think knowing is half the battle, I think knowing is one third of the battle, accepting it is another third, and moving on is the final third.  I think I am lingering still around the second third and also trying to move on at the same time which can make for a woozy stomach.  There is a lot of life I let go of less than a week ago and there is a lot of life in front of me and the transition is physically exhausting, thank goodness this place has a fantastic bathtub.

p.s. I will do everything I can to go to the gym sometime in the next hour and this time, I will listen to music without lyrics....I don't trust myself right now, even if I am alone again in the gym, you never know.

I McPie VS Clean Slate; I McPie slated to win HOLLA

So I have contemplated how to approach the next I McPie blog post, in fact I have written a few and they are saved as drafts and probably won't be posted.  I am in a really transitional stage of my life, one minute I am freaked out of my shoes and sobbing, and the next I am super excited about the idea that I am going to apply to a temp agency and to work at a coffee house and other odd jobs that will keep me busy in this new place for the next 5 weeks.  I don't want to come off preachy about any of the things I am realizing, and I don't want to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party cause I am absolutely not so it proves difficult to find the subject matter.

I realize now that we all have an inherent desire to matter, I don't want to matter because I make a kick ass coconut cake, which by the way, I do, I make a kick ass coconut cake.  We want to be significant and we want to be effective and we want to know that we have been significant and we have been effective.  We want to know that even though we have quit three jobs, given up our apartments, found someone to foster our dogs, we aren't being replaced as quickly as we got all of these things done (see how I say "we" but really it's all about me, see how I did that there, mmhmmm, just checking).  I don't want to be someone who strikes away from all responsibility and leaves town and it's really good for her, I want to be someone who does this, and kicks its ass! (side-note: SADE is on the Today Show in the background right now, anyone ever notice that when she is just talking she sounds like a man?  just checking.)  Back to ass kicking; I want to do this clean slate like a clean slate should be done!  I want to inspire others to start over, to take back control of their lives, I want to be effective (and no, I do not want to be a self help public speaker....maybe your personal cheerleader though).  I just want this journey I am on to be significant, I don't want this to be the story my friends and family tell my future children about the time when their mom went AWOL, this needs to be the story about when I became the person that I would be for the rest of my life, my best self, my most significant self, my most effective self.  This being said, it's time to see what is happening on craig's list today.

p.s. I heard from Hot Body and Plus Size Model's foster mom and they are doing great, in fact she sent pictures and it looks like they have adopted bull dog puppy......redonkadonk!

I McPie is HERE

689 miles, almost 10 hours of straight driving (never going more than 10 miles above speed limit) I MCPIE IS HERE!  I stopped to pee 3 times, 2 of those times filled the car up with gas, munched on nuts and Barbara's shredded oat squares (favorite cereal) and am now sitting in The future Mrs. Junior's hotel suite waiting for her to return, filled with excitement, freaked out of my mind and playing the day's thoughts back in my head, and no, I still haven't had a cup of coffee (I did have an earl grey latte from Starbucks 2 hours in...holy cow).

The drive really went very quickly, Booty told me long distance driving alone can be amazing and it really was.  The state I am in now is the most beautiful state I have ever driven through, and it is in this state that I had some sort of road trip breakthrough (I won't lie, what I am about to tell you could very well have been caused by lack of blood circulation from being stationery too long, or malnutrition). I must start by saying that I am afraid of really large things (mind out of the gutter please people, and if it wasn't in the gutter, sorry I put it there).  I have a hard time processing the enormity of things, an obvious one that freaks many people out would be the universe.  So scale that down a bit to things like say, cliffs or worse...giant windmills and really I get the chills and start jerking around like I'm having a seizure.  I used to think I was just afraid of heights, but then once in Manhattan when driving across town from the Westside Highway towards Court Street, I looked up at the old buildings in front of me and around me and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, everything felt so huge and out of place...strange thought to have while in Manhattan.  Anyhow, to the story, as I was driving today, I was staring in the distance all around me (safely of course) and everywhere I looked were these GIANT mountains covered in snow, but right next to the road it was just flat and level to the freeway making the mountains look so much more ginormous, so I started to panic a bit, but instead of turning away or closing my eyes (which of course I really couldn't as they were everywhere and you know, I was driving) I just kept looking and slowly but surely, my heart rate became more normal and the mountains started to look almost unbearably beautiful, they were really really beautiful.  And then the weirdest thing happened in the middle of nowhere, there was traffic, and everyone slowed, so I opened my windows and it was freezing outside, but i just drove along at maybe 20 miles an hour and let the wind absolutely freeze my skin, it felt sharp.  I know this sounds corny and cheesy but something happened and I was just fine for a minute, I wasn't thinking about anything that has been swirling around in my mind lately.  I have been freezing all week, and shaking and absolutely flipping out in relatively warm weather, being completely tortured inside out by this emotional blizzard inside me, but today I got outside in cold, super flippin' cold and it felt amazing.  I wasn't scared of the mountains, I didn't even twitch, and I wasn't cold inside, even though my skin felt like ice, and I am pretty damn sure that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

This whole experience was just a moment.  But knowing I had that moment is knowing I am capable of having moments like this again....and again...and again and again.  This is now part of my plan, to stay focused in the moment.

p.s. I forgot to mention I had just listed to 5 hours of Wayne Dyer telling me to connect with the world instead of my own form....what a Tool.....for real.