A McPie Awakening

So what you are about to read is something I stumbled upon on the internet (typos and all) and I had to post it because.......well.....I like totally get this man....(I'm actually being serious, this anonymous piece is right on.)

The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH1 Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

p.s. I will write something original soon....I think

A Doggy McPie Reunion

So today I am back home (well actually I got home last night but I was in too much a state of shock to write anything).  I am staying with friends so close I consider them family and on top of that they are also letting Hot Body and Plus Size Model stay here as well.  I picked up the pups today and it was like a scene out of a really bad movie where some children are kidnapped and their mother sobs about it for ages and does nothing but call people to see if they have heard anything while eating all the food her dear friends and neighbors have brought her because clearly the woman can't take care of herself while in such a distraught state and there are never any clues but occasional untraceable emails with photos of the kids sitting on current news papers until one day their is a knock on the door and its the children and the children cry and lick their mother uncontrollably while nibbling on her ears and running around in circles and returning to lick and nibble all over again and the whole time the mother just sits on the ground in shock and bawls; no one ever finds out where the children were and really who cares...it was a bad movie.  Anyhow I have my girls back and the truth is it feels wonderful, weird, and awful at the same time.

The unconditional love you get from pets is unmatchable, its just a fact, but you must be capable of loving them unconditionally in return even though they won't ever have a normal conversation with you (and by normal, I mean they have very short attention spans, they only ever want to talk about food, walking, and cuddling....so annoying).  Also, you have to be patient because you will often be covered in fur, barked at while on the phone, or awoken from a deep slumber so they can take a pee and/or poo.  Now I am aware I am telling you nothing you don't already know but these are the things that are currently making me feel awful about having them back.  Within five seconds of our reunion I was covered in dog hair and for the first time it annoyed the crap out of me, I have been dog hair free for five weeks and frankly, it was amazing.  The fact is that I hardly have patience for myself right now, and having patience for them seems almost impossible, and taking it out on them is the last thing I want to do. 

We have been cuddling all afternoon and it has been wonderful, I mean even as I sit here and blog, Plus Sized Model is curled up behind my butt (and by the way she has definitely gained weight, heifer) and Hot Body is sleeping on last night's pajamas as to make sure she can smell me in her slumber.  Maybe this is a test for me to be patient once again.  I have been incredibly impatient with myself and what I have been going through and maybe they are here to help me get that part of myself back.  Unless they are here to distract me so that I can take care of them instead of myself...in which case I will start making empty threats towards them involving cats, skateboards and boot camp (I wanted to say fat camp but I thought that might be rude and single out one dog over the other)...

p.s. I was told that they were incredibly behaved while I was gone ................ and also they picked up a humping habit........really? ladies please!

Not a McPie Place

So this morning, while doing my morning not-so-banker Banker work, one of my temporary co-workers asked me if I thought I might stay in town and I looked at him, cocked my head to the side, and said no I don't think so.  He grinned and said no? And I said no, culturally this place isn't really going to work for me.  Now I need to interrupt myself for a moment (I know my interrupting myself doesn't shock anyone who knows me, be grateful I'm not interrupting you right now as I have been told how terribly annoying it is on more than one occasion...I'm working on it)  and say how the two gentlemen I work with most here are rather great guys, my supervisor, MAN G, and the other guy, MAN S.  To continue, MAN S, the coworker who grinned said ya culturally this place is a little... (pause grin again) and I said ya, that's because of the church right (I swear I didn't interrupt him, he wasn't going to finish that sentence, you could tell)? and he said ya, I mean I'm part of the church but my parents raised me to be very open minded and for a lot of people they just think everyone outside of this bubble is crazy.  And of course I replied ya, most people here would definitely think I am crazy, see I am Jewish.  MAN S than said really?  and MAN G said really you are a Jew?  your parents are Jewish?  your not a Jew your not Jewish...I repeated that yes I am.  Neither of these guys had an issue with me being Jewish but it was just a perfect example of how unlikely it is for a Jew (I McPie) to be in the "city" where I am right now, these people were in fact shocked to meet one.

I should also tell you I had a very similar conversation with a female temporary co-worker yesterday morning where she asked me where I was from and I said, I am from Los Angeles.  She responded, wait did you say Los Angeles?  I said yes.  She said so you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes again.  She said so you aren't from here you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes a third time and I kid you not it went on like this for two minutes.  I couldn't tell if she thought I was part alien or she couldn't believe that someone from Los Angeles would be in this town (this is shocking only in there is quite a film industry out here and you'd think everyone here would know that).  I really don't know if all of this has to do with people in this town not being aware of the outside world (or closing their eyes to it) or if it is that people in this bank aren't aware of anything outside this building.  I tend to go with the first option as I said, the two gentlemen I converse with most are very down to earth, they are also not from here.

Now, I need to make something clear, I am not trying to stereotype people from this town (I know I have never even said where it is, I only just said I was from Los Angeles for the first time).  Through Mrs. Junior's work I have met some really cool locals, and I admit I was shocked that some of them had been born and raised here.  But the truth is, the majority of this town's population does have a religous center in their lives and it is incredibly different from the forces that play central roles in mine. This being said, and bringing it back to the beginning, if the thought of ever living here permanently did cross my mind at any point, it quickly crossed back to where it came from, this just isn't my place and my people aren't here...I'm sure of it.

p.s.  Neither MAN G or MAN S were harmed in any way during my employment here....as for the female co-worker...I can't say.

Banker (not so much) McPie

So I McPie is a Banker this week...not really.  That is completely a load but I am working with a bunch of them, and I get to do a lot of things with checks and numbers (in case I have never said this, I LOVE numbers, we are easy friends Numbers and I...but I hate calculators, I find them useless, unless of course I need the SINE, COSINE or TANGENT of something...and lets face it, who the hell needs those).  Anyhow, I am rediscovering how much I love doing tedious work and learning new computer programs, now I don't believe I would love it if it was all I did forever, but right now it's like heaven, and I do crap like this perfectly, and I impress people, and its such an ego boost and thank god for Daniele who I am temping for and is currently tanning in Hawaii! (I should also mention that Daniele has a giant bowl of Jelly Bellies on her desk, so people visit me all day long and I have to apologize because I ate all the pear and cotton candy flavored ones yesterday....really, I am sorry, not really)

* You will notice there are lots of links in this blog, the middles of my days at the bank are slow so I am learning tricks (not the magical kind clearly, just the lame attempts to make money kind).

Right now, I think it's good for me to have things to do besides the things I have been doing, and being a not-so-banker Banker gives me that.  What would be really awesome is if every week I could be a different kind of not-so-something Something so I would be learning new strange things and be continuously busy, but unfortunately, starting next week, I will be in a much larger pool of people looking for not-so-something Something jobs because I will be heading home and home is much bigger than here.  By the way, this is not to say that I am not excited to go home, well actually I am not excited to go home, but I am not NOT excited either, I'm just kinda like wow, I'm going home....but I live in a storage unit. (Actually I do, but I have somewhere fantastic to hunker down while I am getting ready for what is next).

When I get home, I am going to do so much yoga with Lady Shells, and I am going to get certified in a thing or two (not yoga....yet).  And of course I am doing this because I want to make my resume look even more all over the place than it already does....do I have to put not-so-banker Banker on there now too?  Needless to say things in my life feel strange at the moment, I have come to terms with certain things that were freaking me out (like being kinda homeless) and other things I am still working through (like being kinda career-less amongst other things I am less) but I am really trying to focus on the things that I am full of (like myself :-)).....I know that was so only half funny and I know how ironic it is too and so does Alanis Morissette of course...

p.s. Midge is flying in Friday night so she can drive home with me Saturday and I am really excited and grateful...I am full of wonderful people (if you are thinking what I think you are thinking than you are sick!)

McPie is a Bargainin'

So I am talking to Booty this morning on video chat and she explained to me that I am in a bargaining phase.  How so one might ask (or maybe one might not...who knows), well Booty explained to me that all these questions that are all of a sudden popping up in my head (by the way, all of a sudden there are so many questions popping up in my head) about random things that have occurred in the past year  combined with the insane dreams I have been having (ya having lots of insane dreams again, for example, ones where I am meeting friends late at night and I have until Midnight to convince them all the decisions they are making are berserk) are me trying to change the actuality of situations that are mostly in the past.  I am essentially trying to bargain for change which as we all know can't happen, the past is the past, whats done is done, move on right?  oh how it sounds so simple.

How do you put the past in the past and focus on the future when the past is in your face all the flippin' time (yes, getting out of Dodge is very helpful but eventually you have to go back to Dodge).  We are so fantastic at recording our lives these days with photos and videos and email and I think we all believe that these mementos we are taking with us are so wonderful but the fact is, they aren't always.  We used to just put photos in albums on shelves, or boxes in closets and take them out when we wanted, look at the ones we wanted to, smile, laugh, scream at bad haircuts and it was fantastic, but it isn't that simple anymore.  They are on our computers, our social networks, our phones AND everyone else's computers, networks and phones and no matter where you store them, they are always there and you see them all the time whether you want to or not and something special is lost in that because maybe you don't want to see them all the time and no there is no reason to get excited about digging through photos in a box because that box no longer exists.  The other thing, is that it changes history by omitting anything unpleasant.  Digital is cheap so we record absolutely everything, to the point where we could all probably do flip books of our lives and it would play in real time (k, I know that is a little bit of an exaggeration). The thing is though, we don't photograph and video experiences that don't make us happy so in digital hindsight, everything can often seem better than it was and convince our small little brains that our not-so-great memories aren't real.  This I believe is bargaining, using anything we/I can to convince ourselves/myself that things may have been different than what I thought a minute ago and different than what I will think in the next minute or so when I am inundated with some cyber reminder of something.  What am I going to do, cut myself off completely from the world and go live with pandas? I really do love a nice panda....it's a thought.

p.s.  I was video chatting (my new obsession in case anyone was wondering, I'm late to this game) with a dear friend Captain Hook(er), and he was showing me all these photos from years ago and it was wonderful because I would never have seen them anywhere as they were taken on a camera that uses film (FILM: a cellulose nitrate or cellulose acetate composition made in thin sheets or strips and coated with a sensitive emulsion for taking photographs.)  Thanks for making me smile so much Captain Hook(er)!!!

p.p.s.  What I forgot to mention, and part of my point, wass that I didn't bring a camera with me on this journey.  I have questioned if that was the right thing to do or not, but the fact is, a picture cannot capture the journey I am on right now and I don't want to remember it if it isn't worth remembering.  My feeling is that I will one day look back on this experience and remember what a profound time in my life it is, not how I was living in the middle of the strangest city I have ever been in or the the painfully beautiful mountains around me.  If I don't remember it, that will be ok too, but I have to trust my mind on this one, I want to experience this, go through it, as uncomfortable as it can be at times, and hopefully I will remember how amazingly I survived and came out on top and I won't want to change a thing about it or wish it was different in any way.

p.p.p.s.  I have a camera on my phone and I'm not afraid to use it!