Paranoid McPie

So i just got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Mathingamabob, and the text said "where is your blog" so I sent her a reply text with my blog address and said "but I haven't written in a while" and she said "I KNOW, that's what I meant, I'm a subscriber" (If you are one, you are special, there are Only 9 of you).  So I realize it has happened again, I have become insecure in my being and have neglected what was making me feel better, I McPie.  I blog to get things on paper (computer) in hopes that something will pop up in my writing that will either a) give me answers or b) inspire me.  Both of which I need right now.  Mathingamabob is studying to be a shrink so I am sure she LOVES analyzing what I am and am not writing, how often I write, the code names I give people and so on....am I wrong Mathing?  Anyhow, I'm not in the best spot right now, and I don't want to use this blog as a means to complain.  I have thought about McPie and how to write what's going on without coming off as wo-is-me...and every idea I come up with, I get paranoid will sound petty and ridiculous and, without being so offensive, completely retarded.

Recently I feel as though I am being questioned by everything and everyone, typical paranoia.  I work really hard, but it's part-time, and I work from home, and it is a completely new field for me, so when any question is asked about it, I get super defensive and then start to feel like I suck, and then feel guilty, and then feel like I suck, and then feel paranoid, and then decide I am going to get fired if I don't all of a sudden become seasoned at this job.  See, I hate not knowing EVERY thing about what I am doing all the time because I can't possibly be perfect then.  Now I have to tell you I am a strange version of a perfectionist....I only need to be perfect if someone or something else relies on it.  My room is the site of a Mach 3 hurricane (not sure that makes sense..oops) yet I clean up after myself as best I can at Mr. McPie's place, I drive worse when I am alone in the car, when I cook for myself it often looks like dog food (I cooked trout for Mr. and Mrs. Junior last weekend and it didn't look so hot, I apologized after anyone took a bite, I need to mention the orzo and string beans looked fab!).  Back to the work thing, I don't really think anyone is questioning me except for ME, I McPie....I am projecting on to my bosses...probably not a good idea...capiche! 

I  also question whether my relationships are questioning me, or testing me, or not trusting me...and I am talking about all of them.....friends, family, my shrink.....I mean, everyone gets in tiffs with people and all relationships have obstacles; those tiffs (yes I just used a semicolon) mean people care enough to resolve an issue, obstacles that are brought into the open are the ones all parties involved want to get over....otherwise, no one would ever mention anything right?  So knowing this, and knowing how solid my relationships are, why do I still get so ridiculously sensitive and paranoid.....(I have to tell you that blogging rhetorical questions is somewhat satisfying, but I guess they aren't really rhetorical if I am answering them...oh well).  Relationships involve other people, and feelings, and people relying on each other...hence, I like to be perfect in my relationships as well. 

In conclusion, Mathingamabob asking where my blog is is really all I needed to get my blogging McPie ass in blogging gear yet again....I am not going to question whether she really wants to read my blog or if she is just being nice because she is all shrinky and probably figured I was feeling insecure again which is why there was a pause in my writing....no, I am not going to question that at all.

Love you Mathing, shrinkiness and all! 

p.s. The story of Mathingamabob and I meeting at 10 years old involves stolen strawberries, a unique first name, a hand full of sand and an eye patch....HIlarious...will be told one day