So i just got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Mathingamabob, and the text said "where is your blog" so I sent her a reply text with my blog address and said "but I haven't written in a while" and she said "I KNOW, that's what I meant, I'm a subscriber" (If you are one, you are special, there are Only 9 of you). So I realize it has happened again, I have become insecure in my being and have neglected what was making me feel better, I McPie. I blog to get things on paper (computer) in hopes that something will pop up in my writing that will either a) give me answers or b) inspire me. Both of which I need right now. Mathingamabob is studying to be a shrink so I am sure she LOVES analyzing what I am and am not writing, how often I write, the code names I give people and so on....am I wrong Mathing? Anyhow, I'm not in the best spot right now, and I don't want to use this blog as a means to complain. I have thought about McPie and how to write what's going on without coming off as wo-is-me...and every idea I come up with, I get paranoid will sound petty and ridiculous and, without being so offensive, completely retarded.
Recently I feel as though I am being questioned by everything and everyone, typical paranoia. I work really hard, but it's part-time, and I work from home, and it is a completely new field for me, so when any question is asked about it, I get super defensive and then start to feel like I suck, and then feel guilty, and then feel like I suck, and then feel paranoid, and then decide I am going to get fired if I don't all of a sudden become seasoned at this job. See, I hate not knowing EVERY thing about what I am doing all the time because I can't possibly be perfect then. Now I have to tell you I am a strange version of a perfectionist....I only need to be perfect if someone or something else relies on it. My room is the site of a Mach 3 hurricane (not sure that makes sense..oops) yet I clean up after myself as best I can at Mr. McPie's place, I drive worse when I am alone in the car, when I cook for myself it often looks like dog food (I cooked trout for Mr. and Mrs. Junior last weekend and it didn't look so hot, I apologized after anyone took a bite, I need to mention the orzo and string beans looked fab!). Back to the work thing, I don't really think anyone is questioning me except for ME, I McPie....I am projecting on to my bosses...probably not a good idea...capiche!
I also question whether my relationships are questioning me, or testing me, or not trusting me...and I am talking about all of them.....friends, family, my shrink.....I mean, everyone gets in tiffs with people and all relationships have obstacles; those tiffs (yes I just used a semicolon) mean people care enough to resolve an issue, obstacles that are brought into the open are the ones all parties involved want to get over....otherwise, no one would ever mention anything right? So knowing this, and knowing how solid my relationships are, why do I still get so ridiculously sensitive and paranoid.....(I have to tell you that blogging rhetorical questions is somewhat satisfying, but I guess they aren't really rhetorical if I am answering them...oh well). Relationships involve other people, and feelings, and people relying on each other...hence, I like to be perfect in my relationships as well.
In conclusion, Mathingamabob asking where my blog is is really all I needed to get my blogging McPie ass in blogging gear yet again....I am not going to question whether she really wants to read my blog or if she is just being nice because she is all shrinky and probably figured I was feeling insecure again which is why there was a pause in my writing....no, I am not going to question that at all.
Love you Mathing, shrinkiness and all!
p.s. The story of Mathingamabob and I meeting at 10 years old involves stolen strawberries, a unique first name, a hand full of sand and an eye patch....HIlarious...will be told one day
Showing posts with label insecurity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insecurity. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
A Serious McPie
Mr. McPie and I just saw A SERIOUS MAN, i'm not sure that I will let on what I felt about it, but it made me think...shocking I know. I have said before how strange I think it is to feel both conceited and self conscious while blogging and then I watch a movie like this and I think of other things that people (I McPie) do that are just as, if not more, conceited than this, and not fully controllable.
Lets take a stereotypical Mother. To make clear which aspect of the Mother I speak, I speak of the overwhelming feelings of guilt in which they all suffer and the overwhelming feelings of guilt in which they dump on their children.--- I must interrupt myself to add in the disclaimer that I am quite aware that I don't actually know what it feels like to be a mother so if I insult any mothers out there, I apologize in advance, I hope to have your job one day --- I am going to tie these two paragraphs together to tell you that a theme I found in the film (I am ruining nothing I swear) is the same one I am speaking of...Guilt. Guilt in it's own right can be a conceited feeling (I know I have mentioned what a guilt ridden person I McPie is); I am not talking about the guilt you feel when you accidentally run over your neighbor's 18 year old cat and can't sleep.....ever again, I am talking about the idea "what have I done to deserve this" (example of feeling guilt) and "how come you never to tell me what is going on in your life, you tell all your siblings, but I ask and you poo poo me, you must think I am an awful mother" (example of pouring on the guilt).
The example I mention in feeling guilt assumes that we have enough power to actually change the course of the universe, and everyone in it, so that it comes back around, returns its focus to us (if in fact it ever left) and causes suffering. So in my humble opinion, if and when you catch yourself saying "what have I done to deserve this" keep in mind, the chances are you did nothing and really are you that conceited? See just like that the guilt should be gone (I will let you know tomorrow if I was able to sleep tonight because of all the guilt I am already feeling about all the people I possibly just offended).
I paused for a while before writing this paragraph and on because I couldn't figure out how to bring all these thoughts together (a very common occurrence in my brain) and I think I may have figured it out....a little bit. I left out the Mother guilt that occurs the most, the guilt that Mother's feel when their kid skins a knee, or doesn't like what's for dinner, or instills a curfew. Maybe Mothers have to have enormous feelings of guilt because without it, how would they know how important it is to let their children skin their knees, or force them to eat their vegetables, and to stand firmly on the word "no" even when they know it will cause a major rebellion (my rebellion involved hanging out with some ridiculously tortured souls...and trying to fix them....shocker). If doing something wrong doesn't make one feel guilty than why try so hard to do things right. Maybe the guilt I constantly feel isn't as conceited as I think, maybe I am having life-before-motherhood guilt, thus another piece of evidence in my destiny to be a mother.
P.S. I realize I said nothing about the second Mother example I gave on types of guilt, I just think it's hilarious that my mother says "poo poo me"...I laugh so hard inside that I completely forget that I am supposed to be feeling bad about something.
Lets take a stereotypical Mother. To make clear which aspect of the Mother I speak, I speak of the overwhelming feelings of guilt in which they all suffer and the overwhelming feelings of guilt in which they dump on their children.--- I must interrupt myself to add in the disclaimer that I am quite aware that I don't actually know what it feels like to be a mother so if I insult any mothers out there, I apologize in advance, I hope to have your job one day --- I am going to tie these two paragraphs together to tell you that a theme I found in the film (I am ruining nothing I swear) is the same one I am speaking of...Guilt. Guilt in it's own right can be a conceited feeling (I know I have mentioned what a guilt ridden person I McPie is); I am not talking about the guilt you feel when you accidentally run over your neighbor's 18 year old cat and can't sleep.....ever again, I am talking about the idea "what have I done to deserve this" (example of feeling guilt) and "how come you never to tell me what is going on in your life, you tell all your siblings, but I ask and you poo poo me, you must think I am an awful mother" (example of pouring on the guilt).
The example I mention in feeling guilt assumes that we have enough power to actually change the course of the universe, and everyone in it, so that it comes back around, returns its focus to us (if in fact it ever left) and causes suffering. So in my humble opinion, if and when you catch yourself saying "what have I done to deserve this" keep in mind, the chances are you did nothing and really are you that conceited? See just like that the guilt should be gone (I will let you know tomorrow if I was able to sleep tonight because of all the guilt I am already feeling about all the people I possibly just offended).
I paused for a while before writing this paragraph and on because I couldn't figure out how to bring all these thoughts together (a very common occurrence in my brain) and I think I may have figured it out....a little bit. I left out the Mother guilt that occurs the most, the guilt that Mother's feel when their kid skins a knee, or doesn't like what's for dinner, or instills a curfew. Maybe Mothers have to have enormous feelings of guilt because without it, how would they know how important it is to let their children skin their knees, or force them to eat their vegetables, and to stand firmly on the word "no" even when they know it will cause a major rebellion (my rebellion involved hanging out with some ridiculously tortured souls...and trying to fix them....shocker). If doing something wrong doesn't make one feel guilty than why try so hard to do things right. Maybe the guilt I constantly feel isn't as conceited as I think, maybe I am having life-before-motherhood guilt, thus another piece of evidence in my destiny to be a mother.
P.S. I realize I said nothing about the second Mother example I gave on types of guilt, I just think it's hilarious that my mother says "poo poo me"...I laugh so hard inside that I completely forget that I am supposed to be feeling bad about something.
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