McPie is a Joiner

So recently I have realized that I really need to step it up in my social life...my social life is not going to just boost itself so I have to take control of it....how does one lift a social life to the next level I have asked myself and I have realized two things.  The first is that it is a slow process and you must be patient and the second is that you need to tell people you are looking to be more socially active (watch out for just saying active, that might end you up inappropriately dressed on a ten mile hike) no matter how weird that seems.  What I do know is that I am not one to be like hey lets go to a bar because well there are people there and we can get drunk! (unless of course it is with Miami and the posse she claims she doesn't have).  But other than that, there isn't much I won't check out these days, I have decided to be a Joiner...I mean why not....I have always been a huge fan of organized camaraderie (I tried to start a knitting club once, I was the only one who showed up to the first two meetings...ya I canceled that club).

A friend of mine, The Stigma, and I had brunch a few weeks ago downtown and discussed how to inspire/force each other to be more active in our own lives and so far we have put some things on the books that we discussed as to hold each other accountable.  This week we are joining a 12 week meet-weekly-goals program for awesome-chicks-who-need-to-remind-themselves-how-awesome-they are (I imagine that at the very least, The Stigma and I will either feel very accomplished or turn into each others worst bully) AND we are going to cooking class (it's one of those classes where as soon as you are done with the knives they bust open the wine...stoked on this one)....I would say this is a darn good start and I'm not even done.  Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior and I have been taking a yoga class taught by Lady Shells every Sunday morning (Mr. Junior may not be able to touch his toes, but he does some mean frog pose I tell ya....mmmmrrrrrrribbiiiitttt) and there are other things I have been doing as well that I will keep secret...well just because I want to see if I can keep my own secret.

The thing is, I have always sort of stuck my nose up at any sort of regular organized group situation that had anything to do with bettering anything and the fact is that is probably a clear indication that I need it.  I want to be as secure by myself as I am in a room full of people.  I know how bass ackwards that sounds but it is true.  When I started this blog, my future seemed pretty clear to me and it isn't anymore....HOWEVER...that is just fine (most of the time)!  Even though it isn't always the most comfortable, I would rather join the world that is living around me, than shut myself away and do only the things I know are secure....because right now that isn't enough....and I don't think it ever should or will be.  If I was a dude, I would tell you that right now it is time for me to grow a pair.....too bad I'm not a dude.

p.s. I lied when I said there isn't much I won't check out...there are a lot of things I absolutely won't check out..... 1) Organized roller coaster fanatics 2) Swimming with sharks 3) Save the rain forests...too much discussion of bananas 4) The Young Republicans and 5) any sort of event where Mini-Me might show up (probably should have been #1)

A Doggy McPie Reunion

So today I am back home (well actually I got home last night but I was in too much a state of shock to write anything).  I am staying with friends so close I consider them family and on top of that they are also letting Hot Body and Plus Size Model stay here as well.  I picked up the pups today and it was like a scene out of a really bad movie where some children are kidnapped and their mother sobs about it for ages and does nothing but call people to see if they have heard anything while eating all the food her dear friends and neighbors have brought her because clearly the woman can't take care of herself while in such a distraught state and there are never any clues but occasional untraceable emails with photos of the kids sitting on current news papers until one day their is a knock on the door and its the children and the children cry and lick their mother uncontrollably while nibbling on her ears and running around in circles and returning to lick and nibble all over again and the whole time the mother just sits on the ground in shock and bawls; no one ever finds out where the children were and really who cares...it was a bad movie.  Anyhow I have my girls back and the truth is it feels wonderful, weird, and awful at the same time.

The unconditional love you get from pets is unmatchable, its just a fact, but you must be capable of loving them unconditionally in return even though they won't ever have a normal conversation with you (and by normal, I mean they have very short attention spans, they only ever want to talk about food, walking, and cuddling....so annoying).  Also, you have to be patient because you will often be covered in fur, barked at while on the phone, or awoken from a deep slumber so they can take a pee and/or poo.  Now I am aware I am telling you nothing you don't already know but these are the things that are currently making me feel awful about having them back.  Within five seconds of our reunion I was covered in dog hair and for the first time it annoyed the crap out of me, I have been dog hair free for five weeks and frankly, it was amazing.  The fact is that I hardly have patience for myself right now, and having patience for them seems almost impossible, and taking it out on them is the last thing I want to do. 

We have been cuddling all afternoon and it has been wonderful, I mean even as I sit here and blog, Plus Sized Model is curled up behind my butt (and by the way she has definitely gained weight, heifer) and Hot Body is sleeping on last night's pajamas as to make sure she can smell me in her slumber.  Maybe this is a test for me to be patient once again.  I have been incredibly impatient with myself and what I have been going through and maybe they are here to help me get that part of myself back.  Unless they are here to distract me so that I can take care of them instead of myself...in which case I will start making empty threats towards them involving cats, skateboards and boot camp (I wanted to say fat camp but I thought that might be rude and single out one dog over the other)...

p.s. I was told that they were incredibly behaved while I was gone ................ and also they picked up a humping habit........really? ladies please!

Not a McPie Place

So this morning, while doing my morning not-so-banker Banker work, one of my temporary co-workers asked me if I thought I might stay in town and I looked at him, cocked my head to the side, and said no I don't think so.  He grinned and said no? And I said no, culturally this place isn't really going to work for me.  Now I need to interrupt myself for a moment (I know my interrupting myself doesn't shock anyone who knows me, be grateful I'm not interrupting you right now as I have been told how terribly annoying it is on more than one occasion...I'm working on it)  and say how the two gentlemen I work with most here are rather great guys, my supervisor, MAN G, and the other guy, MAN S.  To continue, MAN S, the coworker who grinned said ya culturally this place is a little... (pause grin again) and I said ya, that's because of the church right (I swear I didn't interrupt him, he wasn't going to finish that sentence, you could tell)? and he said ya, I mean I'm part of the church but my parents raised me to be very open minded and for a lot of people they just think everyone outside of this bubble is crazy.  And of course I replied ya, most people here would definitely think I am crazy, see I am Jewish.  MAN S than said really?  and MAN G said really you are a Jew?  your parents are Jewish?  your not a Jew your not Jewish...I repeated that yes I am.  Neither of these guys had an issue with me being Jewish but it was just a perfect example of how unlikely it is for a Jew (I McPie) to be in the "city" where I am right now, these people were in fact shocked to meet one.

I should also tell you I had a very similar conversation with a female temporary co-worker yesterday morning where she asked me where I was from and I said, I am from Los Angeles.  She responded, wait did you say Los Angeles?  I said yes.  She said so you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes again.  She said so you aren't from here you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes a third time and I kid you not it went on like this for two minutes.  I couldn't tell if she thought I was part alien or she couldn't believe that someone from Los Angeles would be in this town (this is shocking only in there is quite a film industry out here and you'd think everyone here would know that).  I really don't know if all of this has to do with people in this town not being aware of the outside world (or closing their eyes to it) or if it is that people in this bank aren't aware of anything outside this building.  I tend to go with the first option as I said, the two gentlemen I converse with most are very down to earth, they are also not from here.

Now, I need to make something clear, I am not trying to stereotype people from this town (I know I have never even said where it is, I only just said I was from Los Angeles for the first time).  Through Mrs. Junior's work I have met some really cool locals, and I admit I was shocked that some of them had been born and raised here.  But the truth is, the majority of this town's population does have a religous center in their lives and it is incredibly different from the forces that play central roles in mine. This being said, and bringing it back to the beginning, if the thought of ever living here permanently did cross my mind at any point, it quickly crossed back to where it came from, this just isn't my place and my people aren't here...I'm sure of it.

p.s.  Neither MAN G or MAN S were harmed in any way during my employment here....as for the female co-worker...I can't say.

Banker (not so much) McPie

So I McPie is a Banker this week...not really.  That is completely a load but I am working with a bunch of them, and I get to do a lot of things with checks and numbers (in case I have never said this, I LOVE numbers, we are easy friends Numbers and I...but I hate calculators, I find them useless, unless of course I need the SINE, COSINE or TANGENT of something...and lets face it, who the hell needs those).  Anyhow, I am rediscovering how much I love doing tedious work and learning new computer programs, now I don't believe I would love it if it was all I did forever, but right now it's like heaven, and I do crap like this perfectly, and I impress people, and its such an ego boost and thank god for Daniele who I am temping for and is currently tanning in Hawaii! (I should also mention that Daniele has a giant bowl of Jelly Bellies on her desk, so people visit me all day long and I have to apologize because I ate all the pear and cotton candy flavored ones yesterday....really, I am sorry, not really)

* You will notice there are lots of links in this blog, the middles of my days at the bank are slow so I am learning tricks (not the magical kind clearly, just the lame attempts to make money kind).

Right now, I think it's good for me to have things to do besides the things I have been doing, and being a not-so-banker Banker gives me that.  What would be really awesome is if every week I could be a different kind of not-so-something Something so I would be learning new strange things and be continuously busy, but unfortunately, starting next week, I will be in a much larger pool of people looking for not-so-something Something jobs because I will be heading home and home is much bigger than here.  By the way, this is not to say that I am not excited to go home, well actually I am not excited to go home, but I am not NOT excited either, I'm just kinda like wow, I'm going home....but I live in a storage unit. (Actually I do, but I have somewhere fantastic to hunker down while I am getting ready for what is next).

When I get home, I am going to do so much yoga with Lady Shells, and I am going to get certified in a thing or two (not yoga....yet).  And of course I am doing this because I want to make my resume look even more all over the place than it already does....do I have to put not-so-banker Banker on there now too?  Needless to say things in my life feel strange at the moment, I have come to terms with certain things that were freaking me out (like being kinda homeless) and other things I am still working through (like being kinda career-less amongst other things I am less) but I am really trying to focus on the things that I am full of (like myself :-)).....I know that was so only half funny and I know how ironic it is too and so does Alanis Morissette of course...

p.s. Midge is flying in Friday night so she can drive home with me Saturday and I am really excited and grateful...I am full of wonderful people (if you are thinking what I think you are thinking than you are sick!)

McPie is a Bargainin'

So I am talking to Booty this morning on video chat and she explained to me that I am in a bargaining phase.  How so one might ask (or maybe one might not...who knows), well Booty explained to me that all these questions that are all of a sudden popping up in my head (by the way, all of a sudden there are so many questions popping up in my head) about random things that have occurred in the past year  combined with the insane dreams I have been having (ya having lots of insane dreams again, for example, ones where I am meeting friends late at night and I have until Midnight to convince them all the decisions they are making are berserk) are me trying to change the actuality of situations that are mostly in the past.  I am essentially trying to bargain for change which as we all know can't happen, the past is the past, whats done is done, move on right?  oh how it sounds so simple.

How do you put the past in the past and focus on the future when the past is in your face all the flippin' time (yes, getting out of Dodge is very helpful but eventually you have to go back to Dodge).  We are so fantastic at recording our lives these days with photos and videos and email and I think we all believe that these mementos we are taking with us are so wonderful but the fact is, they aren't always.  We used to just put photos in albums on shelves, or boxes in closets and take them out when we wanted, look at the ones we wanted to, smile, laugh, scream at bad haircuts and it was fantastic, but it isn't that simple anymore.  They are on our computers, our social networks, our phones AND everyone else's computers, networks and phones and no matter where you store them, they are always there and you see them all the time whether you want to or not and something special is lost in that because maybe you don't want to see them all the time and no there is no reason to get excited about digging through photos in a box because that box no longer exists.  The other thing, is that it changes history by omitting anything unpleasant.  Digital is cheap so we record absolutely everything, to the point where we could all probably do flip books of our lives and it would play in real time (k, I know that is a little bit of an exaggeration). The thing is though, we don't photograph and video experiences that don't make us happy so in digital hindsight, everything can often seem better than it was and convince our small little brains that our not-so-great memories aren't real.  This I believe is bargaining, using anything we/I can to convince ourselves/myself that things may have been different than what I thought a minute ago and different than what I will think in the next minute or so when I am inundated with some cyber reminder of something.  What am I going to do, cut myself off completely from the world and go live with pandas? I really do love a nice panda....it's a thought.

p.s.  I was video chatting (my new obsession in case anyone was wondering, I'm late to this game) with a dear friend Captain Hook(er), and he was showing me all these photos from years ago and it was wonderful because I would never have seen them anywhere as they were taken on a camera that uses film (FILM: a cellulose nitrate or cellulose acetate composition made in thin sheets or strips and coated with a sensitive emulsion for taking photographs.)  Thanks for making me smile so much Captain Hook(er)!!!

p.p.s.  What I forgot to mention, and part of my point, wass that I didn't bring a camera with me on this journey.  I have questioned if that was the right thing to do or not, but the fact is, a picture cannot capture the journey I am on right now and I don't want to remember it if it isn't worth remembering.  My feeling is that I will one day look back on this experience and remember what a profound time in my life it is, not how I was living in the middle of the strangest city I have ever been in or the the painfully beautiful mountains around me.  If I don't remember it, that will be ok too, but I have to trust my mind on this one, I want to experience this, go through it, as uncomfortable as it can be at times, and hopefully I will remember how amazingly I survived and came out on top and I won't want to change a thing about it or wish it was different in any way.

p.p.p.s.  I have a camera on my phone and I'm not afraid to use it!

McPie Plays Limbo

So it occurs to me that I have no idea how to take care of myself.  I have constantly, throughout my life found other people and things to take care of.  I am not trying to make myself sound selfless here, I am stating a severe flaw that has hindered me and is currently hindering my ability to figure out what is next for me.  Now I am learning that this is an incredibly important thing to know how to do and I am also learning that it isn't something that people can teach you as the methods are unique to each person.  Some people tell me to get up get up get up, keep moving through it, don't let bad feelings get you down after all they are feelings and they are temporary (this is the method I have been practicing since I took my clean slate and ran with it).  Other people tell me that I should just chill out for a minute, stay in bed, lick my wounds, feel the fear and move through it when I am ready, after all, you wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to get up and walk would you? (thanks Mrs. Junior for that analogy, I said it three times yesterday).

The truth is that I have two serious emotions battling it out inside of me and its a bit nauseating.  My head knows how exciting all these possibilities could be, but I have always followed my heart and it is scared out of it's pants (my heart wears cowgirl pants in case anyone is wondering).  So everyday, I wake up not knowing if my heart is going to win or my head will take the lead.  It may seem like something I should have more control over but really this world is filled with things that remind me of other things, and these other things often remind me of the fact that I have detached myself from all responsibilities, given up any semblance of stability to find new things (If I find a pot of gold, I will share I promise!), so even if the day starts out strong, it can turn into a mess fest without any warning.  It's a strange feeling to feel like you have so much and absolutely nothing all at the same time and that's where I am....in limbo I guess (happens to be a gorgeous place in the mountains, how lucky am I!).

Anyhow, there is a Karate Kid Marathon on today and I feel obligated to watch it....talk about fighting your way to the top when the world (cobra kai) is keeping you down. NO MERCY!!!

p.s. I have argued with people over whether or not Daniel LaRusso was hot.....um yes he was.

Cope-ability McPie

So I am realizing now the enormity of what I did last weekend.  I let go of everything tying me to a place I have lived for 20 years (minus 3.5 years during college) except for an itty bitty storage unit near Fro NoFro and Karat.  This is big huge seismic large huge holy Godzilla huge what-have-I-done ginormous thing.  Well I am taking care of myself and taking control.  I feel like I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I desperately need to get it back.  Isn't it strange how we make decisions ourselves, take control of our own lives, and then feel totally out of control over everything......

As individuals, we all cope with things differently...really really differently.  It isn't just how we are raised or where we grew up or even who our parents are, I mean these things all play a role, but it is also our chemistry.  I have two sisters and one brother with the same parents and same history yet none of us are remotely similar and we deal with things as differently as humanly possible.  And don't misread that please, we all take care of each other very well.  I believe that I McPie have a delayed reaction to big things in my life and I think it is a coping mechanism.  If I spazzed-out the moment things happen instead of two to three days later, nothing would actually ever happen because in case you hadn't noticed, I do things in extremes (I graduated college in 3.5 years because I convinced myself that I wasn't going to graduate on time so took an obscene amount of classes hence graduating early....a bit extreme nest-ce pas?).  This way, I do something GIGANTOR and then freak about it later when it is too late to go back.  Generally, I don't want to go back, I just want to get through and that is what is happening to me now.  I just want to be at the part when I know what is next.  I have been told in the recent past not to focus so hard on the future because I really have no idea what it has in store, but the truth is that it is really hard to focus on the present when it feels so uncertain.

Perhaps I am supposed to focus on what is certain, and that is me right, I am certainly stuck with myself therefore I am going to be present through whatever it is that I do so I should focus on me right?  I am the first person to admit that I would much rather focus on you than me because my nature says that it is easier.  Still I go forward because I know that despite how freaked out I may be over my recent decisions, they are the right decisions....as is my decision to go to the gym right now.

p.s.  I went to the gym yesterday and there were people there, rest easy and I am sorry I have no catastrophic gym stories to share this time

p.p.s. So I went to the gym, and there were people there and I'm listening to some hardcore hip hop gettin' my treadmill on and on the gym TV they re-run the footage of the figure skater whose mother died a couple days ago and her amazing performance last night and she starts crying and I let a wale like nobody's business, it just blurted out and I starting bawling like a maniac.......no I didn't fall off the treadmill, but man did I make a scene.....damnit!

Free Bird McPie

So it's done, with the help of Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior and Woof Woof, I am no longer a resident of this town, I won't go as far as to say it isn't home or anything, but I will say that I live nowhere right now.  I drove a 14' truck from U-haul to my now old apartment, to Fro NoFro's house, to the storage unit and back to U-haul all in a six hour period with Mr. Junior by my side the whole time (thanks Mrs. Junior for lending him to me, you scored!).  The ONLY thing that went wrong today was that the u-haul battery was dead when I got in it right after we packed the whole thing up (I say 'we', I don't mean 'we', I mean 'they'....although, my legs are all bruised and I can't explain it for the life of me).  Mr. Junior of course tried to jump start it with his luxury vehicle but the puppy was dead, so a AAA semi came, jumped us and we were off.  It was so smooth, the whole thing, I have moved a lot, but this was pretty good.

I was really freaking myself out thinking about how I would probably freak out as soon as we left the storage unit because that would be when all of this would feel real, I mean really real.  And I did freak out, well not really, I kinda just got worked up for a minute, cried for three minutes, and then I breathed and I realized that I was really ok with all of this, in fact I am really good with all of this, and then of course I got overwhelmed by the fact that I was ok and not freaking out, thinking that something must be wrong with me because I wasn't completely panicked and hysterical.  Well maybe less is wrong with me now that I am holding on to nothing, I am a free bird.  I do feel a bit too old to be this bird per-Se, but it is clearly the thing I need to be right now.

I said before that this town is still my home and I would like to discuss for a moment.  The famous saying that home is where the heart is is kind of a crock to me right now; I think 'home' is where your 'stuff' is....period.  Any of my parents might argue that 'home' is where your parents are but really that's just not feasible.  If 'home' is where the heart is, than I live all over the place........actually, I kinda do live all over the place, cause all over the place is kinda the same as nowhere, so maybe that wasn't the best example...I'll try this again.  If 'home' is where the heart is than I am lost...and the truth is, yes I have said I am lost  a lot lately but I am not, my heart is, but I am not (I am out there finding things; can't be lost if you can find things now can ya).  I know that I will be back here (in fact, I will be back so many times before I am actually back here that it is kinda crazy.....I'm like a jetsetter of sorts) everyone I love is here and frankly, this is where my 'stuff' is......see what I mean, home is where your stuff is I'm just putting that out there....

p.s.  Snoop, American Pie, Midge, Fres, Miami, Dishy, Karat, Fro NoFro, Mr. Junior, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior and Woof Woof made this weekend so survivable for me.......I know they all have strange names but blame their parents..don't hold it against them.

Regret Nothing McPie

So I'm thinkin' (which I know can be dangerous) about words, and regret, and what if things were different kinda stuff.  You know those moments when you think to yourself, oh my god, how funny would it have been if I had said that, or what if I hadn't taken that job, or why didn't I say that in that moment......well I'm wondering things like this right now.  I'm not someone who regrets many things, I do feel strongly that what's done is done, but right now, in this moment, that strength of mine is weakening and I know this feeling is not unique to me.

In my life so far, I have probably said too much in my professional life, while in my relationships and personal life, I maybe haven't always said enough (I know this is hard to believe considering the amount of and the speed at which I speak).  In this new space I am in, I have the time to be thinking about these things and I wonder if there is an expiration date on continuing conversations that, in theory, ended a long time ago.  Sometimes people bring up something a few days old and say hey i got to thinking and I really hope I didn't offend you the other day and I wanted to say sorry, and then I got to thinking about this and that and this and that and you have a whole new conversation about something but it never would have happened had the first one not taken place.  In a case like this, I think maybe conversations don't end.  What I am wondering is how you know when it is appropriate to go back?  I guess if it is self serving than never...right?  I don't know.  You can't change anything that has already happened, I know this, unless of course you are Doc Brown and you have a really awesome delorian and a really fancy flux capacitor, then in that case you can do it three times, well two past one future, but then again the future will become the past at some point so three times.

A job that ended for me very abruptly last year still hasn't left my system.  To this day, I still feel like I have so much to say to so many people and trust me I said so much to so many people already, in fact, I am sure at points I made an ass of myself I said so much, but seriously, when and how do you let it go?  Everyone says that time is this great healer or fixer or whatever it is, and I believe it, but sometimes I have a strange feeling that you can speed it up...... then again I have another strange feeling that says my strange feeling about speeding it up is totally wrong.   Even sometimes when I think of something that would have been hilarious to say, I literally keep it in my head just waiting for the next opportunity to say it, I mean it's awesome when people laugh and who wants to miss a chance for that (however, when I finally do say it, it is so clear I have been anticipating it that the laugh is generally at me instead of with me, but who cares, I'll lose a little respect if it gets people smiling).  I don't really regret anything, I mean that, but I also don't want to start now. 

p.s. Actually there is something I regretted once, I had my hair died red, brown and blond, it was like color blocks, this guy told me it looked like I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my head and even though that made no sense at all, I really really regretted that dye job.

Temporary McPie

So apparently I McPie am some sort of temp genius, I mean 2.5 hours of testing later I received an 8 and rumor has it, no one has ever gotten a 9 (there is no 10 and most people score 5 sometimes 6).  As silly an ego boost this is, it is an ego boost none the less.  I walked out of my interview this morning feeling rather tall I must say.  Then I went straight to the social security office to order a new card and was thrown in a room with 50 some odd strangers and had to wait like the rest of them, apparently that 8 I received did absolutely nothing for my status.  This isn't actually what I wanted to write about but I had to brag...you know how it is.

I have been thoroughly busy since early yesterday morning and it has felt really good.  Yesterday afternoon, I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a couple months.  No one was there, this could have been a bad thing considering I generally pace myself with some one on a neighboring treadmill or feel the need to work hard just in case someone happens to look at me, I mean there is no way I am going to half ass it if there are people in the gym (also when I am bored but must keep going, I make up stories in my head about the inevitable crazy person on the bike in the corner, it really makes time fly I tell you).  I got on the machine anyway (assuming this was going to be thoroughly boring) and decided I wasn't going to push it as it has been so long, I am at a high altitude and I am not totally confident that I have been getting the proper nutrition lately.  So i picked my music (I am kind of a freak by the way when it comes to work out music, yes I can blast hip hop, but I can also blast Pachel Bell and get my heart rate up) today I decided to listen to an album I was listening to in July, the last time life didn't feel particularly close to perfect.  What happened when I began my 45 minutes of cardio is the last 6+ months of my life began playing back in my head AND in slow motion (yes I am aware slow motion six months in 45 minutes made no sense, but it happened).  At moments I would get really upset and my eyes would well up (these moments made me appreciate that I was alone in the gym) and then other moments I would become enraged and start singing out loud to the music (another set of moments when I relished being alone....actually, I think some janitorial staff came in saw me and ran out, I only think that because I saw the end of someone kicking the water stand, exit abruptly and not look back...and they were wearing a janitorial uniform).  When I finished my cardio and a bit of stretching I felt really good, it was incredibly cathartic (by the way, look up cathartic on dictionary.com, it's kinda ewwy). 

I know the key to this whole clean-slate new-life do-anything-I-want-to phase is to accept how I got here and that I AM here and that everything I am feeling is as temporary as the jobs I am about take on, maybe even more so, but knowing that I need to accept this and and actually accepting this are two very different things.  I don't think knowing is half the battle, I think knowing is one third of the battle, accepting it is another third, and moving on is the final third.  I think I am lingering still around the second third and also trying to move on at the same time which can make for a woozy stomach.  There is a lot of life I let go of less than a week ago and there is a lot of life in front of me and the transition is physically exhausting, thank goodness this place has a fantastic bathtub.

p.s. I will do everything I can to go to the gym sometime in the next hour and this time, I will listen to music without lyrics....I don't trust myself right now, even if I am alone again in the gym, you never know.

I McPie VS Clean Slate; I McPie slated to win HOLLA

So I have contemplated how to approach the next I McPie blog post, in fact I have written a few and they are saved as drafts and probably won't be posted.  I am in a really transitional stage of my life, one minute I am freaked out of my shoes and sobbing, and the next I am super excited about the idea that I am going to apply to a temp agency and to work at a coffee house and other odd jobs that will keep me busy in this new place for the next 5 weeks.  I don't want to come off preachy about any of the things I am realizing, and I don't want to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party cause I am absolutely not so it proves difficult to find the subject matter.

I realize now that we all have an inherent desire to matter, I don't want to matter because I make a kick ass coconut cake, which by the way, I do, I make a kick ass coconut cake.  We want to be significant and we want to be effective and we want to know that we have been significant and we have been effective.  We want to know that even though we have quit three jobs, given up our apartments, found someone to foster our dogs, we aren't being replaced as quickly as we got all of these things done (see how I say "we" but really it's all about me, see how I did that there, mmhmmm, just checking).  I don't want to be someone who strikes away from all responsibility and leaves town and it's really good for her, I want to be someone who does this, and kicks its ass! (side-note: SADE is on the Today Show in the background right now, anyone ever notice that when she is just talking she sounds like a man?  just checking.)  Back to ass kicking; I want to do this clean slate like a clean slate should be done!  I want to inspire others to start over, to take back control of their lives, I want to be effective (and no, I do not want to be a self help public speaker....maybe your personal cheerleader though).  I just want this journey I am on to be significant, I don't want this to be the story my friends and family tell my future children about the time when their mom went AWOL, this needs to be the story about when I became the person that I would be for the rest of my life, my best self, my most significant self, my most effective self.  This being said, it's time to see what is happening on craig's list today.

p.s. I heard from Hot Body and Plus Size Model's foster mom and they are doing great, in fact she sent pictures and it looks like they have adopted bull dog puppy......redonkadonk!

I McPie is HERE

689 miles, almost 10 hours of straight driving (never going more than 10 miles above speed limit) I MCPIE IS HERE!  I stopped to pee 3 times, 2 of those times filled the car up with gas, munched on nuts and Barbara's shredded oat squares (favorite cereal) and am now sitting in The future Mrs. Junior's hotel suite waiting for her to return, filled with excitement, freaked out of my mind and playing the day's thoughts back in my head, and no, I still haven't had a cup of coffee (I did have an earl grey latte from Starbucks 2 hours in...holy cow).

The drive really went very quickly, Booty told me long distance driving alone can be amazing and it really was.  The state I am in now is the most beautiful state I have ever driven through, and it is in this state that I had some sort of road trip breakthrough (I won't lie, what I am about to tell you could very well have been caused by lack of blood circulation from being stationery too long, or malnutrition). I must start by saying that I am afraid of really large things (mind out of the gutter please people, and if it wasn't in the gutter, sorry I put it there).  I have a hard time processing the enormity of things, an obvious one that freaks many people out would be the universe.  So scale that down a bit to things like say, cliffs or worse...giant windmills and really I get the chills and start jerking around like I'm having a seizure.  I used to think I was just afraid of heights, but then once in Manhattan when driving across town from the Westside Highway towards Court Street, I looked up at the old buildings in front of me and around me and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, everything felt so huge and out of place...strange thought to have while in Manhattan.  Anyhow, to the story, as I was driving today, I was staring in the distance all around me (safely of course) and everywhere I looked were these GIANT mountains covered in snow, but right next to the road it was just flat and level to the freeway making the mountains look so much more ginormous, so I started to panic a bit, but instead of turning away or closing my eyes (which of course I really couldn't as they were everywhere and you know, I was driving) I just kept looking and slowly but surely, my heart rate became more normal and the mountains started to look almost unbearably beautiful, they were really really beautiful.  And then the weirdest thing happened in the middle of nowhere, there was traffic, and everyone slowed, so I opened my windows and it was freezing outside, but i just drove along at maybe 20 miles an hour and let the wind absolutely freeze my skin, it felt sharp.  I know this sounds corny and cheesy but something happened and I was just fine for a minute, I wasn't thinking about anything that has been swirling around in my mind lately.  I have been freezing all week, and shaking and absolutely flipping out in relatively warm weather, being completely tortured inside out by this emotional blizzard inside me, but today I got outside in cold, super flippin' cold and it felt amazing.  I wasn't scared of the mountains, I didn't even twitch, and I wasn't cold inside, even though my skin felt like ice, and I am pretty damn sure that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

This whole experience was just a moment.  But knowing I had that moment is knowing I am capable of having moments like this again....and again...and again and again.  This is now part of my plan, to stay focused in the moment.

p.s. I forgot to mention I had just listed to 5 hours of Wayne Dyer telling me to connect with the world instead of my own form....what a Tool.....for real.

Be Free McPie

To say that I am shaking is an understatement.  I would say It's like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal, but really it is probably more like having the chills, AND I haven't had a sip of alcohol since January 24th, not that I have quit drinking, but I know myself a tiny bit and drinking when I am in such an anxious state is not a good idea.  In just a little while, Snoop is coming with me to take Hot Body and Plus Size Model to their vacation home because I can't do this by myself and because she is wonderful.  I know my girls will be good, great in fact, they will have a yard, a house, and a wonderful woman who will let them sleep in bed with her (I don't allow such things, except last night I did, I needed to cuddle with them).  The BEST part, she will give them back to me when I return, I have to focus on that.  I have been pulling and tugging at them so much in the past couple of days, hopefully they are getting annoyed and want a break.

I had an awful unbearable broken-hearted unemployed homeless dogless freak-out about an hour ago which is why i am writing this very moment.  It was this feeling of make it stop make it stop do something do something do something, so I did, I started this new post (well first I actually made an appointment at the Genius Bar near the future Mrs. Junior because my mac is refusing to work with me here, always wants shit her way, and really, right now I need it my way).  I started this post hardly able to hit the right keys because of all this shaking I'm doing, and only two small paragraphs later, I feel calmer.  I'm writing away the heaviness and the insecurity and all of the chains.

Oh chains, you have sucked.  These chains, that I apparently locked around myself, are coming off bit by bit, and as wonderful as it feels to be freeing myself of them, it is also incredibly uncomfortable.  It's like my freedom and dreams and oomph have been atrophied if that makes any sense,  I have to actually relearn how to exercise all of them and to exist with all of these mysteries and opportunities in front of me, as a I am told I have a life outside of all of these things I am leaving behind for the time being.  Still terrified but starting to get excited, I must keep going with all of the things I must do.  The next time I post, I won't be here anymore.....I will be there, "there" will become my new "here" for a little while and it is going to be great!

p.s. I haven't had a cup of coffee since January 26th....I'm just saying...

In Pursuit of McPie

So I have decided that I McPie needs a clean slate.  Now those who know me know that "clean" is not a word commonly used to describe much of anything in my life, I myself am quite clean, a HUGE fan of the bath in fact, also a huge fan of a clean kitchen, but most other things in my chaotic existence would hardly be described as "clean".  This slate I speak of is going to be spotless, its going to sparkle and shine and everything wonderful I can think of.  The only problem is, this slate is see-through.  I have no idea what is on the other side.  I have let go of my jobs, given up my apartment, and am sailing away (well driving really, sailing just sounds so much more poetic).  Where will I dock this ship you might ask?  I have no idea really.  However I have my first stop planned, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior is taking me in as she continues on her successful journey... because well, she invited me, and then insisted, and frankly it scares the Jack in the BeJesus Box out of me and this is exactly what I need right now....to exist in my fears, accept them, and move the heck on. 

Hot Body and Plus Size Model are sensing the changes ahead, and it isn't exactly something I can explain to them, I mean people don't necessarily understand what I am doing, how are dogs supposed to right?  There is a possibility that they will be joining me on my travels, but there is also a chance that they will be taking a vacation from me.  I am torn about the  role my mutts play in my clean slate.  I have never treated them or felt like they were children until I really started considering how it would affect my life if they weren't there every single day.  Many tears shed today over this one.  Plus Size Model could handle the changes, but Hot Body would be a mess tooling around back and forth with me and that would send Plus Size Model into a tizzy and the canine world in which I live would surely implode.....this is what I would like to avoid as I am trying to make this journey about me.  I think other people would be better parents to them than I could be in the next chapter and it is breaking my heart.  Plus Size Model, Hot Body, and Myself all deserve stability and it is my responsibility to find it for us.

In the Pursuit of my own smiles, I am keeping myself open to everything and everyone (accept for the Southern man who tried to pick me up on the plane this morning, I am not open to him, he almost convinced me to meet him for a drink until my dear friend Miami and I did a little recon and found lovely pictures of he and his wife online, so no, I am not open to this man....oh also, he tried to tell me the pictures I found were of his brother and then I asked why he and his brother had the same name and the best part is...he kept trying to get me to go for that drink even after that.  I don't thinks so Southern Man I don't think so).  Thanks Miami!

p.s. For every door that closes, another one opens.....and if it doesn't....open it your dang self!

Passionate McPie

I need to put my passion somewhere.  I have a tremendous amount of passion, and even if I give Mr. McPie as much of it as he wants and as much as he can take (get your mind out of the gutter people, well keep it in a little, its fun there), I still need somewhere to put the majority of what I have.  People always talk about how they have so much love to give, and I do have a lot of that too but I have great friends and family and spread that around just fine (again people, now you are just gross!) it's this insane amount of passion that I have and nowhere to put it.  Some people call this passion "energy", however, "energy" isn't specific enough for what I have.  You know those kids that start speaking really fast while jumping up and down and get louder by the second as they shake their heads every time they walk in the room to show someone some picture of something that no one can pinpoint?  OK well I am that kid, but I'm not a kid, I'm and adult and that excitement that passion still consumes me and I have nothing to show anyone because I didn't "draw" anything and now I have no idea how to let it out and frankly, it's making me grumpy. 

Sometimes I get desperate and I throw my passion into anything that will catch it, like recently, Snoop started working at a new restaurant, and its great, I love it, so I call people specifically to tell them about it and then I call Snoop 12 times an hour to talk about all these things I would write on yelp and citysearch if I actually wrote reviews and THEN I actually open fake accounts on yelp and citysearch and actually write the reviews I don't even know how to write AND THEN I facebook status update about this new restaurant that I love so much in hopes that somehow, my passion for making Snoop's new restaurant will somehow reward her as she is the hardest working waitress I have ever met and then I remember that even though she will make $264 in tips in just 5 hours, she likely walks with $65 because this new restaurant pools tips and now I am really pissed that I put all this passion into getting Snoop's co-workers a couple extra bucks that should have been all for her.  Situations like these are examples of what I call passion misplacement. 

So I keep thinking about what to do right...  well this week I considered becoming a life coach and then I realized how dangerous that would be, I would use my passion to cheer-lead people into their perfect lives, instead of using it to cheer-lead me in to my own, and then what...they go on without me...or they fail miserably with me...Both options suck for me.  These situations are examples of what I call passion projection.

What is happening right now is that certain occurrences are making it quite obvious that I need to get a grip here.  I tried putting my passion in to figuring out where to invest my passion and frankly it's killed a piece of my soul (I'm sure this piece of my soul is regenerative, however, I still notice that right now it is missing). 

I think there are people who are really great at having their relationships be the best part of their lives without smothering these relationships, I have an insane amount of envy for these people who I like to call "reasonable".  I need to be in a pretty regular state of feeling passionate to be my best self, I need to be inspired.  Bring it on world...I can take it!

P.S.  I totally stole "best self" from Oprah because frankly, if I catch her on tv, and it is one of her inspirational episodes, those moments when she has my attention, I am inspired...so ya, I want to be my best self in 2010..thanks big O (hahahahahaha I said big O)

I McPie With My Little Eye: Paranoid Part Deux

We saw AVATAR in 3D IMAX yesterday....wow!  This was only a couple hours after I watched the entire mini series of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA....also wow!  So here are the two questions that immediately come to mind with every person i encounter this morning: 1) Do "I see you"? and 2) Are you a Cylon?....somehow I'm not sure that this is healthy for someone who is paranoid, even if I am not delusional.
Because I am a semi-rational human being, I believe it is safe to assume that the answer to question number 2 is always a big fat NO.  However, question numer 1 has a couple of variables: how open are you and how perceptive am I?

WARNING: if you haven't seen AVATAR, there is a good chance this will feel out of nowhere and totally random (not that most of my posts aren't random, but this is psychological mish mosh, not too interesting)

I believe that I am pretty darn perceptive, it's what makes me a people person (except of course when my notorious mean streak comes out and I am just a bitch).  I feel like I "see" people...I mean really really "see" them.  Often when I meet someone who is more introverted than I am (lets face it, that's kind of the vast majority of the population) I am still able to get, what I believe to be, a good read on them (I have made obvious mistakes before when I had met someone who was very quiet and so I assumed his entire psychosis, behaved a certain way around him, and then came to find out at a later meeting that he is actually quite loud and obnoxious and was only quiet at the first meeting because he was recovering from a severe case of laryngitis).  I have learned from my mistakes and generally don't make any voacl assessments until after the second meeting.  I must sound cocky and ridiculous right now, and that's ok, cause sometimes I am when it comes to this.....I just believe that I truely know people better than they know themselves 95% of the time.  :-) LOL. 

So here is where my paranoia comes in, its actually 2-fold.  If I am in an insecure place in my life, here is what might occur: I make my assessments of whomever I am meeting, and create some elaborate story in my mind about them, and then start making a list (also in my mind) about which traits of my personality they are going to judge.  THEN I get defensive before anything has happened, which of course makes everybody around me defensive, and then I walk away being someone who once again sucks.  The other "fold" of this paranoia is the idea that no one ever really "sees" me.  We all go through periods in our lives where we feel totally misunderstood no matter who we are, I feel like that period of my life is my entire life, but I am mostly really ok with it.......so what? I have a handfull of people in my life who do "see" me and that is more than I can ask for. 

I believe so strongly in the human bond, and I know that when people bond, they do "see" each other....but not all people bond with all people, in fact, I don't think we form strong and secure bonds with the majority of the people in our lives.  I think we get to know people, and at some point, we decide if we are going to know each other and be in touch and hang out and exchange stories, or if we are going to "see" each other and be in touch and experience each other. 

I just read my first paragraph and I am not sure how to bring this back there other than to say, if you are more reserved and your book isn't open for just anyone to read, that's cool of course, but know this, you may think you are giving off the image that you want people to perceive of you, but trust me....people see more of you than you know...(please know I am including myself here, there are times when I try desperately to hide my crazy, but I have been told my crazy shines through no matter what I do and ya know, I am so ok with that....today)

P.S. My Dad told me yesterday's blog was quite introspective.....today's is outrospective (not sure that is a word, but I like it!)

Paranoid McPie

So i just got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Mathingamabob, and the text said "where is your blog" so I sent her a reply text with my blog address and said "but I haven't written in a while" and she said "I KNOW, that's what I meant, I'm a subscriber" (If you are one, you are special, there are Only 9 of you).  So I realize it has happened again, I have become insecure in my being and have neglected what was making me feel better, I McPie.  I blog to get things on paper (computer) in hopes that something will pop up in my writing that will either a) give me answers or b) inspire me.  Both of which I need right now.  Mathingamabob is studying to be a shrink so I am sure she LOVES analyzing what I am and am not writing, how often I write, the code names I give people and so on....am I wrong Mathing?  Anyhow, I'm not in the best spot right now, and I don't want to use this blog as a means to complain.  I have thought about McPie and how to write what's going on without coming off as wo-is-me...and every idea I come up with, I get paranoid will sound petty and ridiculous and, without being so offensive, completely retarded.

Recently I feel as though I am being questioned by everything and everyone, typical paranoia.  I work really hard, but it's part-time, and I work from home, and it is a completely new field for me, so when any question is asked about it, I get super defensive and then start to feel like I suck, and then feel guilty, and then feel like I suck, and then feel paranoid, and then decide I am going to get fired if I don't all of a sudden become seasoned at this job.  See, I hate not knowing EVERY thing about what I am doing all the time because I can't possibly be perfect then.  Now I have to tell you I am a strange version of a perfectionist....I only need to be perfect if someone or something else relies on it.  My room is the site of a Mach 3 hurricane (not sure that makes sense..oops) yet I clean up after myself as best I can at Mr. McPie's place, I drive worse when I am alone in the car, when I cook for myself it often looks like dog food (I cooked trout for Mr. and Mrs. Junior last weekend and it didn't look so hot, I apologized after anyone took a bite, I need to mention the orzo and string beans looked fab!).  Back to the work thing, I don't really think anyone is questioning me except for ME, I McPie....I am projecting on to my bosses...probably not a good idea...capiche! 

I  also question whether my relationships are questioning me, or testing me, or not trusting me...and I am talking about all of them.....friends, family, my shrink.....I mean, everyone gets in tiffs with people and all relationships have obstacles; those tiffs (yes I just used a semicolon) mean people care enough to resolve an issue, obstacles that are brought into the open are the ones all parties involved want to get over....otherwise, no one would ever mention anything right?  So knowing this, and knowing how solid my relationships are, why do I still get so ridiculously sensitive and paranoid.....(I have to tell you that blogging rhetorical questions is somewhat satisfying, but I guess they aren't really rhetorical if I am answering them...oh well).  Relationships involve other people, and feelings, and people relying on each other...hence, I like to be perfect in my relationships as well. 

In conclusion, Mathingamabob asking where my blog is is really all I needed to get my blogging McPie ass in blogging gear yet again....I am not going to question whether she really wants to read my blog or if she is just being nice because she is all shrinky and probably figured I was feeling insecure again which is why there was a pause in my writing....no, I am not going to question that at all.

Love you Mathing, shrinkiness and all! 

p.s. The story of Mathingamabob and I meeting at 10 years old involves stolen strawberries, a unique first name, a hand full of sand and an eye patch....HIlarious...will be told one day

Will You Be My Mother McPie

I must talk about a wonderful family who have become as special to me as my own family.  Lady Shells and Mr. Music were given my number when their first daughter, Biscuit, was 6 months old as they needed a part-time sitter.   Here we are 8 years later, they have a 2nd daughter, Doughnut, who is 4 1/2.  I babysit whenever I can which is hardly ever these days, so mostly I just go over for dinner or to hang out whenever we can make it work.  I have only ever missed one of the girls' school performances or recitals and that can be blamed on the most awful traffic.  This family means the world to me and each one of them is a critical part of the development of McPie.

This brings me to the point of today's blog, last night we celebrated the 4th night of Hanukkah together, it was AMAZING!  The story begins after candle lighting, I was sitting on the couch with Mr. Music when Doughnut sauntered up and in the most adorable voice says "Lysa (lie-su) can I be your sweetie?" and as my heart melted I replied "you already are my sweetie" then Doughnut says "no Lysa, I want you to be my mom...". Mr. Music and I almost died trying to hold back the laughter that would inevitably offend the 4 year old.  Lady Shells is listening from the open kitchen and we all understood the innocence and sweetness of this.  When I McPie am there at the house, we all get so excited because we don't get to all be together as much as we used to so everyone is on their best behavior (including myself) and kids don't get in trouble as often and there is an additional adult in the room to watch their shows and help open their presents and so on.  Basically this interaction was perfect.  I constantly have this fear that if I go too long without seeing them (by too long I mean 2 weeks), the kids won't be as fond of me so to speak, so it's conversations like the one I had with Doughnut that remind me how bonded I am to these kids. 

The story continues but it skips forward about 30 minutes.  Everyone is still having a great time, Biscuit and Doughnut opened a couple presents each and then it was my turn to give the family a gift from Mr. McPie and me.  Biscuit turns to attention wearing her new purple gingham fedora and Doughnut walks a little closer to me so she is within arms reach.  I tell them that my gift is to give Lady Shells and Mr. Music a date night while Mr. McPie and I take Biscuit and Doughnut on a date of our own to a pizza place, then an ice cream shop then to either rent a movie or go to a movie.  Biscuit lights up, I mean she is going to have a grown-up night out, how awesome is that.  And just as I begin feeling like wow how totally successful is this gift, I turn to Doughnut whose bottom lip is jutting out as it swallows her upper lip, and her eyes scrunch together and the wailing begins.  "Oh my god Doughnut, what is wrong?" I say.  She replies "That's not the kind of present I wanted, I want a present I can touch." At this point, 4 year old fatigue hysteria begins.  I tell her how sad I am that she doesn't like my present and she is just heart broken about not having a present to open from me as she only got 2 presents tonight (as if that is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to her) when the other night she got hundreds of presents so she says.  I need to explain here that in no way have Lady Shells and Mr. Music spoiled their children, and had I not been there and this fit happened, there would have been a kibosh squash SOOOOO fast.  But I was there so I try to indulge a conversation and solution with my dear Doughnut as she is now sitting on my lap and crying on my shoulder.  I suggested that on our date night, I bring a present she can open, does she want a necklace? or a bracelet perhaps?  Through her tears, and without missing a beat, she tells me she wants a necklace....with lots of diamonds and a star....and then.....she screams again and the crying is in my ear and so so loud as she bawls "but I want my present right now wahhhhh".  At this moment, I look at her and I smile and if feels like time stops for a second and everything starts going forward again in slow motion, as the ONLY thing I am thinking about as she howls in my ear, is how it must feel when you have your own children as I can't fathom how anyone could possibly love a child more than I do my Biscuit and Doughnut.  Am I wrong to think that most people would be running for the hills in this moment?

p.s. I am aware the kid screaming thing isn't cute 99% of the time....

A very McPie dream

Most of my close friends and family know that I have ridiculously elaborate dreams and remember a huge portion of them, well I had a weird one last night/this morning and I think the only way to shake it is to write it down.

In the first half of my dream I had just moved back to Boston with my college best friend American Pie.  We were with all these guys we shared a dorm floor with freshman year, one of them I just saw on facebook got married last week.  We were all living near college and looking for work, but taking classes at the same time.  Mr McPie had apparently told me he was breaking up with me for a couple of days, it hadn't sunk in at this point in my dream. (A total side note, and not part of this dream, Mr. McPie is making me pancakes right now....heaven, don't be jealous :-)).  We were all broke but somehow really happy and seeing the lite, we rode on the T, met other students, told them we graduated 10 years ago but felt like picking up a few classes, I remember we all looked very young in the dream.  Then in my dream I went to sleep and I was aware that I was in a very precarious emotional state and when I woke up in my dream, American Pie and I were living in Los Angeles with my mother, in my old bedroom, but my old bedroom was actually the bedroom from My Father and Step-Mother's house.  At this point in the dream I am very sad because I am aware that Mr. McPie has broken up with me for a few days.  In fact, he let me have the tickets to the concert we are going to.  I had 2 tickets and I think Fro NoFro had a ticket as well so American Pie and I were going to give him a ride but then all of a sudden it wasn't really American Pie anymore, it was some other chick who I don't recognize but still call American Pie, and my gay high school boyfriend, who shall henceforth be referred to as the Mayor, was there and telling me why he broke up with me in high school.  He was super effeminate in my dream and in the dream I was confused as to whether he was explaining to me why he dumped me in high school or why Mr. McPie broke up with me for a couple of days the day before.  The Mayor told me it was because the environment was nicer to him than it was to me.  WHAT?!?!?!?  He said to me "look at your family, the environment wasn't nice to all of you."  Then he told me that I also wasn't a girl of smaller size and told me to look at my pants.  They were very light colored jeans, almost stone washed, and I also remember being aware they were a size 8 and too big (Hey, dreams are part fantasy right).  At this point in my dream we are somehow now caravanning to the Rose Bowl, Fro NoFro, The Mayor, and American Pie are in the back car and Mr. McPie and I are leading in the front.  I guess Mr McPie agreed to drop me off at the concert before driving to General Middle Irvine. AGAIN WHAT?!?!?!  He said he needed dental work done and it would be a really long Saturday.  Before I got out of the car he advised me not to be in alleys by myself, as he said that as he pointed to a tunnel we were driving under.  Right before I woke up, American Pie was walking towards me and told me the boys were following close by.  Mr. McPie said he loved me and we'd talk later....as if he might die in General Middle Irvine.

OK people, this is actually one of my milder dreams.  Some things are very obvious to interpret but other things are kinda like huh? When I woke up this morning I was holding on to Mr. McPie very tightly; not only was I cutting off the circulation in his arm, I was cutting it off in my arm as well...not so happy making.  Anyway, I do feel better now having spewed this all out so I am going to eat some pancakes....yummy.

p.s. I am sorry if the confusion of this post hurts any part of your brain.....at least in this dream I wasn't being chased by a Hairy Toothed Tiger.

Push On McPie

So I have no idea why I got all insecure about blogging again and took a break (ya I'm aware how quickly i needed a break); even started questioning my own motives for blogging in the first place.  Then I began wondering if this is part of a greater pattern in the life of McPie?  I never really thought of myself as someone who doesn't finish what they start......but maybe I am.

I wrote a list:

When I was in the 2nd grade, I loved a series of books called Choose Your Own Adventure by R.A. Montgomery, I loved it so much that I talked about it...a lot.  So my parents (still married to each other at the time) thought it would be a good idea to write one myself (this was, in fact, a trick they used to get me to stop talking which they learned from my first grade teacher.  "McPie, why don't you write me a letter hmm?" said Mrs. Rabasa frustrated at the fact that McPie wouldn't stop talking while the rest of the class lay on their mats for nap time).  Anyhow, I did it, I wrote a Choose Your Own Adventure book.....well most of it anyway.  I actually distinctly remember NOT finishing it.  There was a competition (probably hosted by scholastic news), and my dad was going to help me submit my book, and I wouldn't finish it.  I was a very competitive child, so really I'm not sure what got into me.  Mom and Dad, if either of you saved that book by any chance......I'd love to see it.

In 6th grade, in shop class, I decided to make Fro NoFro a skateboard.......hahahahahahahaha

In high school I started knitting a blanket, even bought enough yarn for the whole thing........I finished 3 12"x12" squares....I needed 25....I still have it.

OMIT COLLEGE EXAMPLE
OMIT POST COLLEGE EXAMPLE

A few years ago, I became a giant yoga junky, it was amazing, I was going to 6 classes a week, I felt amazing, my giant ass was looking like a rather fit giant ass.  I stopped...I blamed it on money...load of crap.  Lady Shells, dear friends and yoga teacher, said I could take her classes whenever I want and she would never charge me....I still haven't gone back.  I saw Lady Shells last night...she reminded me of the free yoga offer, in fact she demanded I start showing up...I wonder what the odds are on that one.

Most recently , Sasa Wongstein and I wrote a script...we started in July, in August we had 10 pages left....now....we have 10 pages left...we have outlined those last 10 pages a million times, but we find every excuse in the book to not finish.  It is an amazing tween script by the by, with lots of action and plenty of good messages in case anyone is buying!

So here we are....I am the queen of sabotaging my own hobbies..what is that about?  I know that I hate the end of doing anything because it's freakin' scary (anyone who I have ever worked with on anything, project or film, knows the puddles of tears that soak my feet and theirs when the end is near).  I mean the end means that people will see things and judge them and compare and everything, and it means something new will start which can be exciting and daunting and anxiety inducing...I get it, it's obvious.  But hobbies?  Things that are for me don't get finished and I have no idea why.

Well I am continuing, with no plan to finish of course....definite plans for disappearing every now and again, but really that's my personality, I am phase driven I suppose.  I get inspired quickly, move on, and lose my inspiration....must talk about this with shrink ASAP.

p.s. Mr McPie and I are going to Vegas for the weekend, we have tickets to a concert.  2 days ago, I actually said "we don't have to go if you don't want to?".  Is this somehow related to my chronic hobby quitting I wonder?  I need to get a grip if anyone knows where I can get a cheap one.