McPie is Changing Colors

So again it has been a while since I have posted anything.  The truth is, I McPie have been blue.  I have been home for some time now and it looks like I will be staying here.  If I leave again, I feel as though I will simply be postponing the feelings I am experiencing now and that is just no good I tell you.  So here I am, dealing with the reality of my life, trying to turn blue into bright yellow or orange or something that glows so brightly it gives off heat.

Since I have been home I have participated in a couple bridal showers, finished a class, seen most of my friends AND family, applied and interviewed for jobs (which clearly I will do until the right one makes a decent offer and by decent  I mean any) and I have even been rollerblading at the beach and now, other than job searching, I don't know how to fill my time.  I SHOULD be writing again as I haven't since I have been home (this is my start) and I SHOULD be participating in more physical activities (I am actually sick so this will wait a few more days).  Fro NoFro has recently started working at my new favorite coffee shop with free wireless, so while I have the time, I do intend to go there everyday and write (not just blogging, do not fret, I promise not to overwhelm your inboxes) whether he is working or not.  In terms of exercise, I could be going to all of Lady Shells' classes but I am having issues with the building that houses most of these classes, I know that sounds nuts, but better to be mad at a building than an entire community of people capiche? Honestly though there are many forms of exercise as we all know and I am walking distance from my gym so really I have no excuse.... but I sure do know how to make 'em!

Anyhoodeehoo....with all of this time I have had ample time to think and reflect, somehow it's different than the thinking and reflecting I was doing when I was out of town, as that reflecting was more recent past and this reflecting seems to be more distant past when really the only thing I NEED to and WANT to be thinking about is my present and my future.  There are occurrences that took place in my life a couple months ago that I won't talk about here but these happenings effected my ability to see my own future...in fact I can't even think about it half of the time.  A few months ago, I was sure I knew what my future looked like, not every detail of course, but I believed that things I had always wanted I would have, I was sure of it.  It's not that I think these things are out of the question for my future, but there is no way for me to be sure about them at this moment.  The thing is, for most of my life I was so scared I would never have what I always wanted, then everything I wanted was dangled in front of my face and it was amazing...until of course it wasn't anymore, and then, in the most despicable way, that dangling future was gone.....and guess what......it will be fine, but somehow, I have to have faith that I will have all the things I want and dream of again....it's just really hard to see it now and that is what I am working on and that's why I am a bit blue (picture a turquoise blue, it really brings out my eyes and the red in my hair).


P.S.  I changed the look of my blog in hopes that if I McPie am orange and yellow than I will actually become orange and yellow (I don't actually believe in this color crap, I am just trying to keep my chin up)

Will You Be My Mother McPie

I must talk about a wonderful family who have become as special to me as my own family.  Lady Shells and Mr. Music were given my number when their first daughter, Biscuit, was 6 months old as they needed a part-time sitter.   Here we are 8 years later, they have a 2nd daughter, Doughnut, who is 4 1/2.  I babysit whenever I can which is hardly ever these days, so mostly I just go over for dinner or to hang out whenever we can make it work.  I have only ever missed one of the girls' school performances or recitals and that can be blamed on the most awful traffic.  This family means the world to me and each one of them is a critical part of the development of McPie.

This brings me to the point of today's blog, last night we celebrated the 4th night of Hanukkah together, it was AMAZING!  The story begins after candle lighting, I was sitting on the couch with Mr. Music when Doughnut sauntered up and in the most adorable voice says "Lysa (lie-su) can I be your sweetie?" and as my heart melted I replied "you already are my sweetie" then Doughnut says "no Lysa, I want you to be my mom...". Mr. Music and I almost died trying to hold back the laughter that would inevitably offend the 4 year old.  Lady Shells is listening from the open kitchen and we all understood the innocence and sweetness of this.  When I McPie am there at the house, we all get so excited because we don't get to all be together as much as we used to so everyone is on their best behavior (including myself) and kids don't get in trouble as often and there is an additional adult in the room to watch their shows and help open their presents and so on.  Basically this interaction was perfect.  I constantly have this fear that if I go too long without seeing them (by too long I mean 2 weeks), the kids won't be as fond of me so to speak, so it's conversations like the one I had with Doughnut that remind me how bonded I am to these kids. 

The story continues but it skips forward about 30 minutes.  Everyone is still having a great time, Biscuit and Doughnut opened a couple presents each and then it was my turn to give the family a gift from Mr. McPie and me.  Biscuit turns to attention wearing her new purple gingham fedora and Doughnut walks a little closer to me so she is within arms reach.  I tell them that my gift is to give Lady Shells and Mr. Music a date night while Mr. McPie and I take Biscuit and Doughnut on a date of our own to a pizza place, then an ice cream shop then to either rent a movie or go to a movie.  Biscuit lights up, I mean she is going to have a grown-up night out, how awesome is that.  And just as I begin feeling like wow how totally successful is this gift, I turn to Doughnut whose bottom lip is jutting out as it swallows her upper lip, and her eyes scrunch together and the wailing begins.  "Oh my god Doughnut, what is wrong?" I say.  She replies "That's not the kind of present I wanted, I want a present I can touch." At this point, 4 year old fatigue hysteria begins.  I tell her how sad I am that she doesn't like my present and she is just heart broken about not having a present to open from me as she only got 2 presents tonight (as if that is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to her) when the other night she got hundreds of presents so she says.  I need to explain here that in no way have Lady Shells and Mr. Music spoiled their children, and had I not been there and this fit happened, there would have been a kibosh squash SOOOOO fast.  But I was there so I try to indulge a conversation and solution with my dear Doughnut as she is now sitting on my lap and crying on my shoulder.  I suggested that on our date night, I bring a present she can open, does she want a necklace? or a bracelet perhaps?  Through her tears, and without missing a beat, she tells me she wants a necklace....with lots of diamonds and a star....and then.....she screams again and the crying is in my ear and so so loud as she bawls "but I want my present right now wahhhhh".  At this moment, I look at her and I smile and if feels like time stops for a second and everything starts going forward again in slow motion, as the ONLY thing I am thinking about as she howls in my ear, is how it must feel when you have your own children as I can't fathom how anyone could possibly love a child more than I do my Biscuit and Doughnut.  Am I wrong to think that most people would be running for the hills in this moment?

p.s. I am aware the kid screaming thing isn't cute 99% of the time....