A Whole New McPie

So I McPie am the same person I have always been but absolutely different in all the ways that don't matter one bit to you yet mean so much to me and my filled-with-opportunity-and-excitement future.  My life is wonderful (obnoxious), I am saying 'yes' to everything that I want (easy) and 'no' to so many things I never have before (shocking).  I am laughing....as much as possible......and I am angry....as little as possible.......sometimes more than others on both counts.  Fro NoFro and Karat got married and it proved to be nothing less than evolution for my family...the whole darn thing.....and it was monumental on so many levels, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I officially have my blond sister (I have been saying 'blond sister' for so long, old to some people, never to me...and shit, it's my blog).

Now what I really wanted to talk about is this amazingly hilarious and unbelievable thing that happened to me today that seemed the perfect way to start writing again.  So I went to the pharmacy today to pick up my crazy pills (I don't really categorize myself as crazy, nor do the pills make me crazy but somehow it seems that 'crazy pills' is a socially acceptable way of referring to the drugs that stop my anxious brain from blowing through my skull...I'm just saying).  I went to the pick-up counter with the one other item I had picked up on my journey and gave them my name so they could retrieve my prescription.  The pharmacist who I recognize from my monthly pickups looks at me and says "sorry, we don't have that in stock" and my reply was "oh yes you do, I called Friday and you said it would be ready today, then I called this morning and you said my crazy pills were ready for pick up".  The lovely pharmacist, clearly reacting to my tactical use of the term 'crazy pills', decides to go to the drop-off window computer and re-check.  She looks something up and then hollers across the room so that everyone can hear her, even in the section with Depends, "you are right we have them, do you mind if your 'CRAZY PILLS' are in capsule form?" (Her return tactics in shouting across the room to let me know I didn't scare her impressed me, this wasn't a pharmacist to mess with).  So we kept the 'crazy pill' talk going for an incredibly long ten minutes proving that not only do I own my anxiety issues but that she has no respect for them or my privacy...it was amazing...I loved it.  So I am finally ready to pay, I slip her my additional item and she holds it up and says "Can I get a price on this callous scraper?"...I almost died a little bit.........until it got even better....she hands me my bag of things-that-make-me-fabulous, doesn't let go, cocks her head to the side and says...."OMG, did you graduate Blah Blah High School in nineteen ninety blah?"....to which I had to answer "YES...and it was nice to see you too" and then I walked away and laughed really really really hard all the way home...

In hypothetical presumable conclusion, it is safe to say that there will be a large portion of my graduating class that will soon hear that I have gone bat-shit-crazy and have rough-skinned feet......life IS exciting and has a strange way of inspiring me to write again.

P.S. Bat-shit-crazy is an actual-for-reals term because apparently there is something in actual Bat poo that can make a person's brain go haywire.

P.P.S. Everyone puts out good thoughts for my friend OWL until I tell them they don't need to anymore k?

McPie is Changing Colors

So again it has been a while since I have posted anything.  The truth is, I McPie have been blue.  I have been home for some time now and it looks like I will be staying here.  If I leave again, I feel as though I will simply be postponing the feelings I am experiencing now and that is just no good I tell you.  So here I am, dealing with the reality of my life, trying to turn blue into bright yellow or orange or something that glows so brightly it gives off heat.

Since I have been home I have participated in a couple bridal showers, finished a class, seen most of my friends AND family, applied and interviewed for jobs (which clearly I will do until the right one makes a decent offer and by decent  I mean any) and I have even been rollerblading at the beach and now, other than job searching, I don't know how to fill my time.  I SHOULD be writing again as I haven't since I have been home (this is my start) and I SHOULD be participating in more physical activities (I am actually sick so this will wait a few more days).  Fro NoFro has recently started working at my new favorite coffee shop with free wireless, so while I have the time, I do intend to go there everyday and write (not just blogging, do not fret, I promise not to overwhelm your inboxes) whether he is working or not.  In terms of exercise, I could be going to all of Lady Shells' classes but I am having issues with the building that houses most of these classes, I know that sounds nuts, but better to be mad at a building than an entire community of people capiche? Honestly though there are many forms of exercise as we all know and I am walking distance from my gym so really I have no excuse.... but I sure do know how to make 'em!

Anyhoodeehoo....with all of this time I have had ample time to think and reflect, somehow it's different than the thinking and reflecting I was doing when I was out of town, as that reflecting was more recent past and this reflecting seems to be more distant past when really the only thing I NEED to and WANT to be thinking about is my present and my future.  There are occurrences that took place in my life a couple months ago that I won't talk about here but these happenings effected my ability to see my own future...in fact I can't even think about it half of the time.  A few months ago, I was sure I knew what my future looked like, not every detail of course, but I believed that things I had always wanted I would have, I was sure of it.  It's not that I think these things are out of the question for my future, but there is no way for me to be sure about them at this moment.  The thing is, for most of my life I was so scared I would never have what I always wanted, then everything I wanted was dangled in front of my face and it was amazing...until of course it wasn't anymore, and then, in the most despicable way, that dangling future was gone.....and guess what......it will be fine, but somehow, I have to have faith that I will have all the things I want and dream of again....it's just really hard to see it now and that is what I am working on and that's why I am a bit blue (picture a turquoise blue, it really brings out my eyes and the red in my hair).


P.S.  I changed the look of my blog in hopes that if I McPie am orange and yellow than I will actually become orange and yellow (I don't actually believe in this color crap, I am just trying to keep my chin up)

Cope-ability McPie

So I am realizing now the enormity of what I did last weekend.  I let go of everything tying me to a place I have lived for 20 years (minus 3.5 years during college) except for an itty bitty storage unit near Fro NoFro and Karat.  This is big huge seismic large huge holy Godzilla huge what-have-I-done ginormous thing.  Well I am taking care of myself and taking control.  I feel like I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I desperately need to get it back.  Isn't it strange how we make decisions ourselves, take control of our own lives, and then feel totally out of control over everything......

As individuals, we all cope with things differently...really really differently.  It isn't just how we are raised or where we grew up or even who our parents are, I mean these things all play a role, but it is also our chemistry.  I have two sisters and one brother with the same parents and same history yet none of us are remotely similar and we deal with things as differently as humanly possible.  And don't misread that please, we all take care of each other very well.  I believe that I McPie have a delayed reaction to big things in my life and I think it is a coping mechanism.  If I spazzed-out the moment things happen instead of two to three days later, nothing would actually ever happen because in case you hadn't noticed, I do things in extremes (I graduated college in 3.5 years because I convinced myself that I wasn't going to graduate on time so took an obscene amount of classes hence graduating early....a bit extreme nest-ce pas?).  This way, I do something GIGANTOR and then freak about it later when it is too late to go back.  Generally, I don't want to go back, I just want to get through and that is what is happening to me now.  I just want to be at the part when I know what is next.  I have been told in the recent past not to focus so hard on the future because I really have no idea what it has in store, but the truth is that it is really hard to focus on the present when it feels so uncertain.

Perhaps I am supposed to focus on what is certain, and that is me right, I am certainly stuck with myself therefore I am going to be present through whatever it is that I do so I should focus on me right?  I am the first person to admit that I would much rather focus on you than me because my nature says that it is easier.  Still I go forward because I know that despite how freaked out I may be over my recent decisions, they are the right decisions....as is my decision to go to the gym right now.

p.s.  I went to the gym yesterday and there were people there, rest easy and I am sorry I have no catastrophic gym stories to share this time

p.p.s. So I went to the gym, and there were people there and I'm listening to some hardcore hip hop gettin' my treadmill on and on the gym TV they re-run the footage of the figure skater whose mother died a couple days ago and her amazing performance last night and she starts crying and I let a wale like nobody's business, it just blurted out and I starting bawling like a maniac.......no I didn't fall off the treadmill, but man did I make a scene.....damnit!