Who Knows Why McPie

So right now I have nothing in particular to write about, I just feel like writing so I'm gonna.  I think I'm just  gonna write about some things I did this week and maybe a few thoughts I had (the clean ones and the happy ones, I will leave out the ones that involved an old Camp Counselor of mine, fists and a spicy yet delicious crab cake).  The first thing I need to do is give a Happy Birthday shout-out to Hot Body and Plus Size Model as they turned 5 this week and don't look a day older than 4......yet on an upsetting note they haven't started pulling their weight around here and I am thoroughly disappointed about that.....I will deal with those feelings another day......meow.

Well last night Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior (sometimes I get exhausted typing that) cooked for a few people and we did a wine tasting to try and help decide which wines we'd be consuming in belligerent amounts at their upcoming nuptials...well in having this wine tasting we planned for me to sleep at their place as we knew there would be a great deal of drink involved and frankly there was a great deal of drink involved and it was fantastic.  I let loose for the first time in quite some time and perhaps my mouth let loose as well but really there is nothing I wouldn't have said sober I just tell things so much more hilariously once I've got a case of the Vino (and by that I am not insinuating that we drank a CASE of vino....well...I mean there were six of us, we were very thirsty).  And then, even after all the intoxication, The Juniors and I made it to Lady Shells' yoga class this morning (well I was there, maybe I was in child's pose more than usual but I was there and if you want proof, find me tomorrow, I am sure I will be walking funny).

I thought quite a bit this week about picking your battles and I don't mean with other people necessarily.....I think it is critical to wisely pick the battles you have with yourself......well at least the battles I have with myself.  There are things worth giving a lot of thought and attention, and their are thoughts that just don't deserve it.  The fact is I am changing everything about my life right now (except for my amazing friends) and this is not easy....really every single part of it hurts...like really freakin' hurts (sometimes I swear I can feel it in my uncus).  Sometimes I am happy and fine and smiling is super easy, like when I saw my Dad and Step-Mom on skype today (I haven't seen them or heard their voices in a while as they have been in France for over a month now and will be for 6 more weeks) it made me so happy I smiled big the whole time.  But other times, I will get a thought in my head that just isn't worth the time of day and that's just it, I have to not indulge the thought and chant new thought new thought new thought (preferably not out loud, I happen to know people will look at you funny like you have a screw loose or something......not from experience though).  Who knows why our brains choose to think about unsettling things, but somehow we have to retrain our brains into compartmentalizing a little better.  All thoughts have their time and frankly I like to schedule those times myself....and one day I will be super awesome at it.

p.s. I know I said I was going to talk about things (plural) and thoughts (plural) and I didn't do that but really I just don't feel like going back and fixing my thesis paragraph right now because it's after ten p.m. which is clearly much later than I am usually awake cause I'm 90.

p.p.s. The link under the word yoga is for Mr. Junior who almost touched his toes this morning WOOHOO!!

McPie is a Joiner

So recently I have realized that I really need to step it up in my social life...my social life is not going to just boost itself so I have to take control of it....how does one lift a social life to the next level I have asked myself and I have realized two things.  The first is that it is a slow process and you must be patient and the second is that you need to tell people you are looking to be more socially active (watch out for just saying active, that might end you up inappropriately dressed on a ten mile hike) no matter how weird that seems.  What I do know is that I am not one to be like hey lets go to a bar because well there are people there and we can get drunk! (unless of course it is with Miami and the posse she claims she doesn't have).  But other than that, there isn't much I won't check out these days, I have decided to be a Joiner...I mean why not....I have always been a huge fan of organized camaraderie (I tried to start a knitting club once, I was the only one who showed up to the first two meetings...ya I canceled that club).

A friend of mine, The Stigma, and I had brunch a few weeks ago downtown and discussed how to inspire/force each other to be more active in our own lives and so far we have put some things on the books that we discussed as to hold each other accountable.  This week we are joining a 12 week meet-weekly-goals program for awesome-chicks-who-need-to-remind-themselves-how-awesome-they are (I imagine that at the very least, The Stigma and I will either feel very accomplished or turn into each others worst bully) AND we are going to cooking class (it's one of those classes where as soon as you are done with the knives they bust open the wine...stoked on this one)....I would say this is a darn good start and I'm not even done.  Mr. Junior and the Soon-To-Be Mrs. Junior and I have been taking a yoga class taught by Lady Shells every Sunday morning (Mr. Junior may not be able to touch his toes, but he does some mean frog pose I tell ya....mmmmrrrrrrribbiiiitttt) and there are other things I have been doing as well that I will keep secret...well just because I want to see if I can keep my own secret.

The thing is, I have always sort of stuck my nose up at any sort of regular organized group situation that had anything to do with bettering anything and the fact is that is probably a clear indication that I need it.  I want to be as secure by myself as I am in a room full of people.  I know how bass ackwards that sounds but it is true.  When I started this blog, my future seemed pretty clear to me and it isn't anymore....HOWEVER...that is just fine (most of the time)!  Even though it isn't always the most comfortable, I would rather join the world that is living around me, than shut myself away and do only the things I know are secure....because right now that isn't enough....and I don't think it ever should or will be.  If I was a dude, I would tell you that right now it is time for me to grow a pair.....too bad I'm not a dude.

p.s. I lied when I said there isn't much I won't check out...there are a lot of things I absolutely won't check out..... 1) Organized roller coaster fanatics 2) Swimming with sharks 3) Save the rain forests...too much discussion of bananas 4) The Young Republicans and 5) any sort of event where Mini-Me might show up (probably should have been #1)

Not a McPie Place

So this morning, while doing my morning not-so-banker Banker work, one of my temporary co-workers asked me if I thought I might stay in town and I looked at him, cocked my head to the side, and said no I don't think so.  He grinned and said no? And I said no, culturally this place isn't really going to work for me.  Now I need to interrupt myself for a moment (I know my interrupting myself doesn't shock anyone who knows me, be grateful I'm not interrupting you right now as I have been told how terribly annoying it is on more than one occasion...I'm working on it)  and say how the two gentlemen I work with most here are rather great guys, my supervisor, MAN G, and the other guy, MAN S.  To continue, MAN S, the coworker who grinned said ya culturally this place is a little... (pause grin again) and I said ya, that's because of the church right (I swear I didn't interrupt him, he wasn't going to finish that sentence, you could tell)? and he said ya, I mean I'm part of the church but my parents raised me to be very open minded and for a lot of people they just think everyone outside of this bubble is crazy.  And of course I replied ya, most people here would definitely think I am crazy, see I am Jewish.  MAN S than said really?  and MAN G said really you are a Jew?  your parents are Jewish?  your not a Jew your not Jewish...I repeated that yes I am.  Neither of these guys had an issue with me being Jewish but it was just a perfect example of how unlikely it is for a Jew (I McPie) to be in the "city" where I am right now, these people were in fact shocked to meet one.

I should also tell you I had a very similar conversation with a female temporary co-worker yesterday morning where she asked me where I was from and I said, I am from Los Angeles.  She responded, wait did you say Los Angeles?  I said yes.  She said so you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes again.  She said so you aren't from here you are from Los Angeles?  I said yes a third time and I kid you not it went on like this for two minutes.  I couldn't tell if she thought I was part alien or she couldn't believe that someone from Los Angeles would be in this town (this is shocking only in there is quite a film industry out here and you'd think everyone here would know that).  I really don't know if all of this has to do with people in this town not being aware of the outside world (or closing their eyes to it) or if it is that people in this bank aren't aware of anything outside this building.  I tend to go with the first option as I said, the two gentlemen I converse with most are very down to earth, they are also not from here.

Now, I need to make something clear, I am not trying to stereotype people from this town (I know I have never even said where it is, I only just said I was from Los Angeles for the first time).  Through Mrs. Junior's work I have met some really cool locals, and I admit I was shocked that some of them had been born and raised here.  But the truth is, the majority of this town's population does have a religous center in their lives and it is incredibly different from the forces that play central roles in mine. This being said, and bringing it back to the beginning, if the thought of ever living here permanently did cross my mind at any point, it quickly crossed back to where it came from, this just isn't my place and my people aren't here...I'm sure of it.

p.s.  Neither MAN G or MAN S were harmed in any way during my employment here....as for the female co-worker...I can't say.

McPie Plays Limbo

So it occurs to me that I have no idea how to take care of myself.  I have constantly, throughout my life found other people and things to take care of.  I am not trying to make myself sound selfless here, I am stating a severe flaw that has hindered me and is currently hindering my ability to figure out what is next for me.  Now I am learning that this is an incredibly important thing to know how to do and I am also learning that it isn't something that people can teach you as the methods are unique to each person.  Some people tell me to get up get up get up, keep moving through it, don't let bad feelings get you down after all they are feelings and they are temporary (this is the method I have been practicing since I took my clean slate and ran with it).  Other people tell me that I should just chill out for a minute, stay in bed, lick my wounds, feel the fear and move through it when I am ready, after all, you wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to get up and walk would you? (thanks Mrs. Junior for that analogy, I said it three times yesterday).

The truth is that I have two serious emotions battling it out inside of me and its a bit nauseating.  My head knows how exciting all these possibilities could be, but I have always followed my heart and it is scared out of it's pants (my heart wears cowgirl pants in case anyone is wondering).  So everyday, I wake up not knowing if my heart is going to win or my head will take the lead.  It may seem like something I should have more control over but really this world is filled with things that remind me of other things, and these other things often remind me of the fact that I have detached myself from all responsibilities, given up any semblance of stability to find new things (If I find a pot of gold, I will share I promise!), so even if the day starts out strong, it can turn into a mess fest without any warning.  It's a strange feeling to feel like you have so much and absolutely nothing all at the same time and that's where I am....in limbo I guess (happens to be a gorgeous place in the mountains, how lucky am I!).

Anyhow, there is a Karate Kid Marathon on today and I feel obligated to watch it....talk about fighting your way to the top when the world (cobra kai) is keeping you down. NO MERCY!!!

p.s. I have argued with people over whether or not Daniel LaRusso was hot.....um yes he was.

I McPie is HERE

689 miles, almost 10 hours of straight driving (never going more than 10 miles above speed limit) I MCPIE IS HERE!  I stopped to pee 3 times, 2 of those times filled the car up with gas, munched on nuts and Barbara's shredded oat squares (favorite cereal) and am now sitting in The future Mrs. Junior's hotel suite waiting for her to return, filled with excitement, freaked out of my mind and playing the day's thoughts back in my head, and no, I still haven't had a cup of coffee (I did have an earl grey latte from Starbucks 2 hours in...holy cow).

The drive really went very quickly, Booty told me long distance driving alone can be amazing and it really was.  The state I am in now is the most beautiful state I have ever driven through, and it is in this state that I had some sort of road trip breakthrough (I won't lie, what I am about to tell you could very well have been caused by lack of blood circulation from being stationery too long, or malnutrition). I must start by saying that I am afraid of really large things (mind out of the gutter please people, and if it wasn't in the gutter, sorry I put it there).  I have a hard time processing the enormity of things, an obvious one that freaks many people out would be the universe.  So scale that down a bit to things like say, cliffs or worse...giant windmills and really I get the chills and start jerking around like I'm having a seizure.  I used to think I was just afraid of heights, but then once in Manhattan when driving across town from the Westside Highway towards Court Street, I looked up at the old buildings in front of me and around me and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, everything felt so huge and out of place...strange thought to have while in Manhattan.  Anyhow, to the story, as I was driving today, I was staring in the distance all around me (safely of course) and everywhere I looked were these GIANT mountains covered in snow, but right next to the road it was just flat and level to the freeway making the mountains look so much more ginormous, so I started to panic a bit, but instead of turning away or closing my eyes (which of course I really couldn't as they were everywhere and you know, I was driving) I just kept looking and slowly but surely, my heart rate became more normal and the mountains started to look almost unbearably beautiful, they were really really beautiful.  And then the weirdest thing happened in the middle of nowhere, there was traffic, and everyone slowed, so I opened my windows and it was freezing outside, but i just drove along at maybe 20 miles an hour and let the wind absolutely freeze my skin, it felt sharp.  I know this sounds corny and cheesy but something happened and I was just fine for a minute, I wasn't thinking about anything that has been swirling around in my mind lately.  I have been freezing all week, and shaking and absolutely flipping out in relatively warm weather, being completely tortured inside out by this emotional blizzard inside me, but today I got outside in cold, super flippin' cold and it felt amazing.  I wasn't scared of the mountains, I didn't even twitch, and I wasn't cold inside, even though my skin felt like ice, and I am pretty damn sure that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

This whole experience was just a moment.  But knowing I had that moment is knowing I am capable of having moments like this again....and again...and again and again.  This is now part of my plan, to stay focused in the moment.

p.s. I forgot to mention I had just listed to 5 hours of Wayne Dyer telling me to connect with the world instead of my own form....what a Tool.....for real.

Be Free McPie

To say that I am shaking is an understatement.  I would say It's like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal, but really it is probably more like having the chills, AND I haven't had a sip of alcohol since January 24th, not that I have quit drinking, but I know myself a tiny bit and drinking when I am in such an anxious state is not a good idea.  In just a little while, Snoop is coming with me to take Hot Body and Plus Size Model to their vacation home because I can't do this by myself and because she is wonderful.  I know my girls will be good, great in fact, they will have a yard, a house, and a wonderful woman who will let them sleep in bed with her (I don't allow such things, except last night I did, I needed to cuddle with them).  The BEST part, she will give them back to me when I return, I have to focus on that.  I have been pulling and tugging at them so much in the past couple of days, hopefully they are getting annoyed and want a break.

I had an awful unbearable broken-hearted unemployed homeless dogless freak-out about an hour ago which is why i am writing this very moment.  It was this feeling of make it stop make it stop do something do something do something, so I did, I started this new post (well first I actually made an appointment at the Genius Bar near the future Mrs. Junior because my mac is refusing to work with me here, always wants shit her way, and really, right now I need it my way).  I started this post hardly able to hit the right keys because of all this shaking I'm doing, and only two small paragraphs later, I feel calmer.  I'm writing away the heaviness and the insecurity and all of the chains.

Oh chains, you have sucked.  These chains, that I apparently locked around myself, are coming off bit by bit, and as wonderful as it feels to be freeing myself of them, it is also incredibly uncomfortable.  It's like my freedom and dreams and oomph have been atrophied if that makes any sense,  I have to actually relearn how to exercise all of them and to exist with all of these mysteries and opportunities in front of me, as a I am told I have a life outside of all of these things I am leaving behind for the time being.  Still terrified but starting to get excited, I must keep going with all of the things I must do.  The next time I post, I won't be here anymore.....I will be there, "there" will become my new "here" for a little while and it is going to be great!

p.s. I haven't had a cup of coffee since January 26th....I'm just saying...

In Pursuit of McPie

So I have decided that I McPie needs a clean slate.  Now those who know me know that "clean" is not a word commonly used to describe much of anything in my life, I myself am quite clean, a HUGE fan of the bath in fact, also a huge fan of a clean kitchen, but most other things in my chaotic existence would hardly be described as "clean".  This slate I speak of is going to be spotless, its going to sparkle and shine and everything wonderful I can think of.  The only problem is, this slate is see-through.  I have no idea what is on the other side.  I have let go of my jobs, given up my apartment, and am sailing away (well driving really, sailing just sounds so much more poetic).  Where will I dock this ship you might ask?  I have no idea really.  However I have my first stop planned, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior is taking me in as she continues on her successful journey... because well, she invited me, and then insisted, and frankly it scares the Jack in the BeJesus Box out of me and this is exactly what I need right now....to exist in my fears, accept them, and move the heck on. 

Hot Body and Plus Size Model are sensing the changes ahead, and it isn't exactly something I can explain to them, I mean people don't necessarily understand what I am doing, how are dogs supposed to right?  There is a possibility that they will be joining me on my travels, but there is also a chance that they will be taking a vacation from me.  I am torn about the  role my mutts play in my clean slate.  I have never treated them or felt like they were children until I really started considering how it would affect my life if they weren't there every single day.  Many tears shed today over this one.  Plus Size Model could handle the changes, but Hot Body would be a mess tooling around back and forth with me and that would send Plus Size Model into a tizzy and the canine world in which I live would surely implode.....this is what I would like to avoid as I am trying to make this journey about me.  I think other people would be better parents to them than I could be in the next chapter and it is breaking my heart.  Plus Size Model, Hot Body, and Myself all deserve stability and it is my responsibility to find it for us.

In the Pursuit of my own smiles, I am keeping myself open to everything and everyone (accept for the Southern man who tried to pick me up on the plane this morning, I am not open to him, he almost convinced me to meet him for a drink until my dear friend Miami and I did a little recon and found lovely pictures of he and his wife online, so no, I am not open to this man....oh also, he tried to tell me the pictures I found were of his brother and then I asked why he and his brother had the same name and the best part is...he kept trying to get me to go for that drink even after that.  I don't thinks so Southern Man I don't think so).  Thanks Miami!

p.s. For every door that closes, another one opens.....and if it doesn't....open it your dang self!