A Serious McPie

Mr. McPie and I just saw A SERIOUS MAN, i'm not sure that I will let on what I felt about it, but it made me think...shocking I know. I have said before how strange I think it is to feel both conceited and self conscious while blogging and then I watch a movie like this and I think of other things that people (I McPie) do that are just as, if not more, conceited than this, and not fully controllable.

Lets take a stereotypical Mother. To make clear which aspect of the Mother I speak, I speak of the overwhelming feelings of guilt in which they all suffer and the overwhelming feelings of guilt in which they dump on their children.--- I must interrupt myself to add in the disclaimer that I am quite aware that I don't actually know what it feels like to be a mother so if I insult any mothers out there, I apologize in advance, I hope to have your job one day --- I am going to tie these two paragraphs together to tell you that a theme I found in the film (I am ruining nothing I swear) is the same one I am speaking of...Guilt. Guilt in it's own right can be a conceited feeling (I know I have mentioned what a guilt ridden person I McPie is); I am not talking about the guilt you feel when you accidentally run over your neighbor's 18 year old cat and can't sleep.....ever again, I am talking about the idea "what have I done to deserve this" (example of feeling guilt) and "how come you never to tell me what is going on in your life, you tell all your siblings, but I ask and you poo poo me, you must think I am an awful mother" (example of pouring on the guilt).

The example I mention in feeling guilt assumes that we have enough power to actually change the course of the universe, and everyone in it, so that it comes back around, returns its focus to us (if in fact it ever left) and causes suffering. So in my humble opinion, if and when you catch yourself saying "what have I done to deserve this" keep in mind, the chances are you did nothing and really are you that conceited? See just like that the guilt should be gone (I will let you know tomorrow if I was able to sleep tonight because of all the guilt I am already feeling about all the people I possibly just offended).

I paused for a while before writing this paragraph and on because I couldn't figure out how to bring all these thoughts together (a very common occurrence in my brain) and I think I may have figured it out....a little bit. I left out the Mother guilt that occurs the most, the guilt that Mother's feel when their kid skins a knee, or doesn't like what's for dinner, or instills a curfew. Maybe Mothers have to have enormous feelings of guilt because without it, how would they know how important it is to let their children skin their knees, or force them to eat their vegetables, and to stand firmly on the word "no" even when they know it will cause a major rebellion (my rebellion involved hanging out with some ridiculously tortured souls...and trying to fix them....shocker). If doing something wrong doesn't make one feel guilty than why try so hard to do things right. Maybe the guilt I constantly feel isn't as conceited as I think, maybe I am having life-before-motherhood guilt, thus another piece of evidence in my destiny to be a mother.

P.S. I realize I said nothing about the second Mother example I gave on types of guilt, I just think it's hilarious that my mother says "poo poo me"...I laugh so hard inside that I completely forget that I am supposed to be feeling bad about something.

Who and Why I McPie?

As your average, everyday overly guilt ridden human being, i find it difficult to justify blogging without first apologizing and saying thank you for whatever time you spend reading this.

Now for the first order of business, I shall henceforth be referred to as McPie. I McPie am happy as a clam (usually this would mean something dirty coming from my mouth, but for now I am truly referring to the ever smiling shell of a clam) most of the time, I have hilariously morbid thoughts, and am a HUGE fan of run-on sentences.

Second order of business, my wonderful boyfriend will be referred to as Mr. McPie. It is true we are not married but he is the Mister to my McPie, and as he is currently the most frequently witness to my ever turning brain; he has earned this title twofold. What should be known about Mr. McPie is that, unlike me, every word he utters has been carefully thought out and planned. Where I lack in outside-voice-filters, one could say he has the perfect amount.

Third order of business is to mention my dogs, these little ladies will be referred to by their middle names, Hot Body and Plus Size Model.

Now that all of these little details are out of the way I should tell you why I am writing. Well the honest truth is that I am going bat shit crazy. I am 31 years old and i have no idea what I am doing anymore in terms of a career. I produced three feature films before turning 27, worked retail in fine jewelry, was the director of marketing and admissions at a private Jewish school in Beverly Hills, and currently a client relations manager at a food company. I have been all over the place and am completely unsatisfied at the moment. I am also currently a full time wedding party participant, In the next 8 months, I will be a Maid of Honor twice, a Bridesmaid once, and a sister of the Groom once. With all of this on my resume, I am completely lost. The thing that makes me most happy in life and the thing that I am really great at is taking care of the people I love. Now, if anyone can tell me how to get paid for this, I am open to suggestions.

Don't for a second think I am not aware of all of the psychological implications in this. I NEED to be NEEDED. Without feeling needed and necessary, I shrivel into a pathetic ball of wo-is-me depression, readjust my meds a million times, talk to my therapist more and my parents less, listen to too many ballads and talk to Hot Body and Plus Sized Model as if taking care of them is my only reason to wake up in the morning. Thank god for Mr. McPie, even though he is completely self sufficient, he indulges me by letting me clean the dishes and take his laundry to the cleaners, I kid you not he hates that I do these things (no he is not that good of an actor) but he knows it makes me happy so he grabs onto his neuroses, steps back and lets me do my thing (I am actually pretty sure he rearranges the dish washer when I leave the room....kind of makes it sweet). Many people may find this weak and pathetic, and maybe it is, but my desire to do these things is ridiculously strong and I HAVE to feed it. I am an AMAZING unmarried housewife....however, I am an AWFUL housekeeper. I do want to be good at cleaning but apparently I suck at it....I mean suck bad. I have many roommates from my past who would attest to this. I can tidy up well, and i never leave dirty dishes in the sink (HUGE pet peeve), but this "tidying" I do is not the same thing as "cleaning". Thank god for Roomba and the swiffer. I happen to be a pretty great cook and baker and I happen to be in a relationship with the one man whose heart is not in anyway connected to his stomach. So when i cook, its to have fun in the kitchen and experiment, not to make Mr. McPie happy when he comes home from a long day at work. Don't get me wrong, he appreciates my cooking completely, but food doesn't interest him the way it does most people (there are stories behind this that may or may not be told in the future).

So that was the long explanation to perhaps why I feel the urge to blog. The short answer is that I clearly need to start a new dialogue with myself about what to do next in my career or lack there of.....I am hoping that when I have all these thoughts on paper, I will be inspired by them..

p.s. If it wasn't clear, I am Jewish...Mr. McPie thinks it important that I share this :-)