I McPie VS Clean Slate; I McPie slated to win HOLLA

So I have contemplated how to approach the next I McPie blog post, in fact I have written a few and they are saved as drafts and probably won't be posted.  I am in a really transitional stage of my life, one minute I am freaked out of my shoes and sobbing, and the next I am super excited about the idea that I am going to apply to a temp agency and to work at a coffee house and other odd jobs that will keep me busy in this new place for the next 5 weeks.  I don't want to come off preachy about any of the things I am realizing, and I don't want to sound like I am throwing myself a pity party cause I am absolutely not so it proves difficult to find the subject matter.

I realize now that we all have an inherent desire to matter, I don't want to matter because I make a kick ass coconut cake, which by the way, I do, I make a kick ass coconut cake.  We want to be significant and we want to be effective and we want to know that we have been significant and we have been effective.  We want to know that even though we have quit three jobs, given up our apartments, found someone to foster our dogs, we aren't being replaced as quickly as we got all of these things done (see how I say "we" but really it's all about me, see how I did that there, mmhmmm, just checking).  I don't want to be someone who strikes away from all responsibility and leaves town and it's really good for her, I want to be someone who does this, and kicks its ass! (side-note: SADE is on the Today Show in the background right now, anyone ever notice that when she is just talking she sounds like a man?  just checking.)  Back to ass kicking; I want to do this clean slate like a clean slate should be done!  I want to inspire others to start over, to take back control of their lives, I want to be effective (and no, I do not want to be a self help public speaker....maybe your personal cheerleader though).  I just want this journey I am on to be significant, I don't want this to be the story my friends and family tell my future children about the time when their mom went AWOL, this needs to be the story about when I became the person that I would be for the rest of my life, my best self, my most significant self, my most effective self.  This being said, it's time to see what is happening on craig's list today.

p.s. I heard from Hot Body and Plus Size Model's foster mom and they are doing great, in fact she sent pictures and it looks like they have adopted bull dog puppy......redonkadonk!

I McPie is HERE

689 miles, almost 10 hours of straight driving (never going more than 10 miles above speed limit) I MCPIE IS HERE!  I stopped to pee 3 times, 2 of those times filled the car up with gas, munched on nuts and Barbara's shredded oat squares (favorite cereal) and am now sitting in The future Mrs. Junior's hotel suite waiting for her to return, filled with excitement, freaked out of my mind and playing the day's thoughts back in my head, and no, I still haven't had a cup of coffee (I did have an earl grey latte from Starbucks 2 hours in...holy cow).

The drive really went very quickly, Booty told me long distance driving alone can be amazing and it really was.  The state I am in now is the most beautiful state I have ever driven through, and it is in this state that I had some sort of road trip breakthrough (I won't lie, what I am about to tell you could very well have been caused by lack of blood circulation from being stationery too long, or malnutrition). I must start by saying that I am afraid of really large things (mind out of the gutter please people, and if it wasn't in the gutter, sorry I put it there).  I have a hard time processing the enormity of things, an obvious one that freaks many people out would be the universe.  So scale that down a bit to things like say, cliffs or worse...giant windmills and really I get the chills and start jerking around like I'm having a seizure.  I used to think I was just afraid of heights, but then once in Manhattan when driving across town from the Westside Highway towards Court Street, I looked up at the old buildings in front of me and around me and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, everything felt so huge and out of place...strange thought to have while in Manhattan.  Anyhow, to the story, as I was driving today, I was staring in the distance all around me (safely of course) and everywhere I looked were these GIANT mountains covered in snow, but right next to the road it was just flat and level to the freeway making the mountains look so much more ginormous, so I started to panic a bit, but instead of turning away or closing my eyes (which of course I really couldn't as they were everywhere and you know, I was driving) I just kept looking and slowly but surely, my heart rate became more normal and the mountains started to look almost unbearably beautiful, they were really really beautiful.  And then the weirdest thing happened in the middle of nowhere, there was traffic, and everyone slowed, so I opened my windows and it was freezing outside, but i just drove along at maybe 20 miles an hour and let the wind absolutely freeze my skin, it felt sharp.  I know this sounds corny and cheesy but something happened and I was just fine for a minute, I wasn't thinking about anything that has been swirling around in my mind lately.  I have been freezing all week, and shaking and absolutely flipping out in relatively warm weather, being completely tortured inside out by this emotional blizzard inside me, but today I got outside in cold, super flippin' cold and it felt amazing.  I wasn't scared of the mountains, I didn't even twitch, and I wasn't cold inside, even though my skin felt like ice, and I am pretty damn sure that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

This whole experience was just a moment.  But knowing I had that moment is knowing I am capable of having moments like this again....and again...and again and again.  This is now part of my plan, to stay focused in the moment.

p.s. I forgot to mention I had just listed to 5 hours of Wayne Dyer telling me to connect with the world instead of my own form....what a Tool.....for real.

Be Free McPie

To say that I am shaking is an understatement.  I would say It's like I'm going through alcohol withdrawal, but really it is probably more like having the chills, AND I haven't had a sip of alcohol since January 24th, not that I have quit drinking, but I know myself a tiny bit and drinking when I am in such an anxious state is not a good idea.  In just a little while, Snoop is coming with me to take Hot Body and Plus Size Model to their vacation home because I can't do this by myself and because she is wonderful.  I know my girls will be good, great in fact, they will have a yard, a house, and a wonderful woman who will let them sleep in bed with her (I don't allow such things, except last night I did, I needed to cuddle with them).  The BEST part, she will give them back to me when I return, I have to focus on that.  I have been pulling and tugging at them so much in the past couple of days, hopefully they are getting annoyed and want a break.

I had an awful unbearable broken-hearted unemployed homeless dogless freak-out about an hour ago which is why i am writing this very moment.  It was this feeling of make it stop make it stop do something do something do something, so I did, I started this new post (well first I actually made an appointment at the Genius Bar near the future Mrs. Junior because my mac is refusing to work with me here, always wants shit her way, and really, right now I need it my way).  I started this post hardly able to hit the right keys because of all this shaking I'm doing, and only two small paragraphs later, I feel calmer.  I'm writing away the heaviness and the insecurity and all of the chains.

Oh chains, you have sucked.  These chains, that I apparently locked around myself, are coming off bit by bit, and as wonderful as it feels to be freeing myself of them, it is also incredibly uncomfortable.  It's like my freedom and dreams and oomph have been atrophied if that makes any sense,  I have to actually relearn how to exercise all of them and to exist with all of these mysteries and opportunities in front of me, as a I am told I have a life outside of all of these things I am leaving behind for the time being.  Still terrified but starting to get excited, I must keep going with all of the things I must do.  The next time I post, I won't be here anymore.....I will be there, "there" will become my new "here" for a little while and it is going to be great!

p.s. I haven't had a cup of coffee since January 26th....I'm just saying...

In Pursuit of McPie

So I have decided that I McPie needs a clean slate.  Now those who know me know that "clean" is not a word commonly used to describe much of anything in my life, I myself am quite clean, a HUGE fan of the bath in fact, also a huge fan of a clean kitchen, but most other things in my chaotic existence would hardly be described as "clean".  This slate I speak of is going to be spotless, its going to sparkle and shine and everything wonderful I can think of.  The only problem is, this slate is see-through.  I have no idea what is on the other side.  I have let go of my jobs, given up my apartment, and am sailing away (well driving really, sailing just sounds so much more poetic).  Where will I dock this ship you might ask?  I have no idea really.  However I have my first stop planned, the soon-to-be Mrs. Junior is taking me in as she continues on her successful journey... because well, she invited me, and then insisted, and frankly it scares the Jack in the BeJesus Box out of me and this is exactly what I need right now....to exist in my fears, accept them, and move the heck on. 

Hot Body and Plus Size Model are sensing the changes ahead, and it isn't exactly something I can explain to them, I mean people don't necessarily understand what I am doing, how are dogs supposed to right?  There is a possibility that they will be joining me on my travels, but there is also a chance that they will be taking a vacation from me.  I am torn about the  role my mutts play in my clean slate.  I have never treated them or felt like they were children until I really started considering how it would affect my life if they weren't there every single day.  Many tears shed today over this one.  Plus Size Model could handle the changes, but Hot Body would be a mess tooling around back and forth with me and that would send Plus Size Model into a tizzy and the canine world in which I live would surely implode.....this is what I would like to avoid as I am trying to make this journey about me.  I think other people would be better parents to them than I could be in the next chapter and it is breaking my heart.  Plus Size Model, Hot Body, and Myself all deserve stability and it is my responsibility to find it for us.

In the Pursuit of my own smiles, I am keeping myself open to everything and everyone (accept for the Southern man who tried to pick me up on the plane this morning, I am not open to him, he almost convinced me to meet him for a drink until my dear friend Miami and I did a little recon and found lovely pictures of he and his wife online, so no, I am not open to this man....oh also, he tried to tell me the pictures I found were of his brother and then I asked why he and his brother had the same name and the best part is...he kept trying to get me to go for that drink even after that.  I don't thinks so Southern Man I don't think so).  Thanks Miami!

p.s. For every door that closes, another one opens.....and if it doesn't....open it your dang self!

I McPie With My Little Eye: Paranoid Part Deux

We saw AVATAR in 3D IMAX yesterday....wow!  This was only a couple hours after I watched the entire mini series of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA....also wow!  So here are the two questions that immediately come to mind with every person i encounter this morning: 1) Do "I see you"? and 2) Are you a Cylon?....somehow I'm not sure that this is healthy for someone who is paranoid, even if I am not delusional.
Because I am a semi-rational human being, I believe it is safe to assume that the answer to question number 2 is always a big fat NO.  However, question numer 1 has a couple of variables: how open are you and how perceptive am I?

WARNING: if you haven't seen AVATAR, there is a good chance this will feel out of nowhere and totally random (not that most of my posts aren't random, but this is psychological mish mosh, not too interesting)

I believe that I am pretty darn perceptive, it's what makes me a people person (except of course when my notorious mean streak comes out and I am just a bitch).  I feel like I "see" people...I mean really really "see" them.  Often when I meet someone who is more introverted than I am (lets face it, that's kind of the vast majority of the population) I am still able to get, what I believe to be, a good read on them (I have made obvious mistakes before when I had met someone who was very quiet and so I assumed his entire psychosis, behaved a certain way around him, and then came to find out at a later meeting that he is actually quite loud and obnoxious and was only quiet at the first meeting because he was recovering from a severe case of laryngitis).  I have learned from my mistakes and generally don't make any voacl assessments until after the second meeting.  I must sound cocky and ridiculous right now, and that's ok, cause sometimes I am when it comes to this.....I just believe that I truely know people better than they know themselves 95% of the time.  :-) LOL. 

So here is where my paranoia comes in, its actually 2-fold.  If I am in an insecure place in my life, here is what might occur: I make my assessments of whomever I am meeting, and create some elaborate story in my mind about them, and then start making a list (also in my mind) about which traits of my personality they are going to judge.  THEN I get defensive before anything has happened, which of course makes everybody around me defensive, and then I walk away being someone who once again sucks.  The other "fold" of this paranoia is the idea that no one ever really "sees" me.  We all go through periods in our lives where we feel totally misunderstood no matter who we are, I feel like that period of my life is my entire life, but I am mostly really ok with it.......so what? I have a handfull of people in my life who do "see" me and that is more than I can ask for. 

I believe so strongly in the human bond, and I know that when people bond, they do "see" each other....but not all people bond with all people, in fact, I don't think we form strong and secure bonds with the majority of the people in our lives.  I think we get to know people, and at some point, we decide if we are going to know each other and be in touch and hang out and exchange stories, or if we are going to "see" each other and be in touch and experience each other. 

I just read my first paragraph and I am not sure how to bring this back there other than to say, if you are more reserved and your book isn't open for just anyone to read, that's cool of course, but know this, you may think you are giving off the image that you want people to perceive of you, but trust me....people see more of you than you know...(please know I am including myself here, there are times when I try desperately to hide my crazy, but I have been told my crazy shines through no matter what I do and ya know, I am so ok with that....today)

P.S. My Dad told me yesterday's blog was quite introspective.....today's is outrospective (not sure that is a word, but I like it!)