So I am realizing now the enormity of what I did last weekend. I let go of everything tying me to a place I have lived for 20 years (minus 3.5 years during college) except for an itty bitty storage unit near Fro NoFro and Karat. This is big huge seismic large huge holy Godzilla huge what-have-I-done ginormous thing. Well I am taking care of myself and taking control. I feel like I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I desperately need to get it back. Isn't it strange how we make decisions ourselves, take control of our own lives, and then feel totally out of control over everything......
As individuals, we all cope with things differently...really really differently. It isn't just how we are raised or where we grew up or even who our parents are, I mean these things all play a role, but it is also our chemistry. I have two sisters and one brother with the same parents and same history yet none of us are remotely similar and we deal with things as differently as humanly possible. And don't misread that please, we all take care of each other very well. I believe that I McPie have a delayed reaction to big things in my life and I think it is a coping mechanism. If I spazzed-out the moment things happen instead of two to three days later, nothing would actually ever happen because in case you hadn't noticed, I do things in extremes (I graduated college in 3.5 years because I convinced myself that I wasn't going to graduate on time so took an obscene amount of classes hence graduating early....a bit extreme nest-ce pas?). This way, I do something GIGANTOR and then freak about it later when it is too late to go back. Generally, I don't want to go back, I just want to get through and that is what is happening to me now. I just want to be at the part when I know what is next. I have been told in the recent past not to focus so hard on the future because I really have no idea what it has in store, but the truth is that it is really hard to focus on the present when it feels so uncertain.
Perhaps I am supposed to focus on what is certain, and that is me right, I am certainly stuck with myself therefore I am going to be present through whatever it is that I do so I should focus on me right? I am the first person to admit that I would much rather focus on you than me because my nature says that it is easier. Still I go forward because I know that despite how freaked out I may be over my recent decisions, they are the right decisions....as is my decision to go to the gym right now.
p.s. I went to the gym yesterday and there were people there, rest easy and I am sorry I have no catastrophic gym stories to share this time
p.p.s. So I went to the gym, and there were people there and I'm listening to some hardcore hip hop gettin' my treadmill on and on the gym TV they re-run the footage of the figure skater whose mother died a couple days ago and her amazing performance last night and she starts crying and I let a wale like nobody's business, it just blurted out and I starting bawling like a maniac.......no I didn't fall off the treadmill, but man did I make a scene.....damnit!
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