So I'm thinkin' (which I know can be dangerous) about words, and regret, and what if things were different kinda stuff. You know those moments when you think to yourself, oh my god, how funny would it have been if I had said that, or what if I hadn't taken that job, or why didn't I say that in that moment......well I'm wondering things like this right now. I'm not someone who regrets many things, I do feel strongly that what's done is done, but right now, in this moment, that strength of mine is weakening and I know this feeling is not unique to me.
In my life so far, I have probably said too much in my professional life, while in my relationships and personal life, I maybe haven't always said enough (I know this is hard to believe considering the amount of and the speed at which I speak). In this new space I am in, I have the time to be thinking about these things and I wonder if there is an expiration date on continuing conversations that, in theory, ended a long time ago. Sometimes people bring up something a few days old and say hey i got to thinking and I really hope I didn't offend you the other day and I wanted to say sorry, and then I got to thinking about this and that and this and that and you have a whole new conversation about something but it never would have happened had the first one not taken place. In a case like this, I think maybe conversations don't end. What I am wondering is how you know when it is appropriate to go back? I guess if it is self serving than never...right? I don't know. You can't change anything that has already happened, I know this, unless of course you are Doc Brown and you have a really awesome delorian and a really fancy flux capacitor, then in that case you can do it three times, well two past one future, but then again the future will become the past at some point so three times.
A job that ended for me very abruptly last year still hasn't left my system. To this day, I still feel like I have so much to say to so many people and trust me I said so much to so many people already, in fact, I am sure at points I made an ass of myself I said so much, but seriously, when and how do you let it go? Everyone says that time is this great healer or fixer or whatever it is, and I believe it, but sometimes I have a strange feeling that you can speed it up...... then again I have another strange feeling that says my strange feeling about speeding it up is totally wrong. Even sometimes when I think of something that would have been hilarious to say, I literally keep it in my head just waiting for the next opportunity to say it, I mean it's awesome when people laugh and who wants to miss a chance for that (however, when I finally do say it, it is so clear I have been anticipating it that the laugh is generally at me instead of with me, but who cares, I'll lose a little respect if it gets people smiling). I don't really regret anything, I mean that, but I also don't want to start now.
p.s. Actually there is something I regretted once, I had my hair died red, brown and blond, it was like color blocks, this guy told me it looked like I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my head and even though that made no sense at all, I really really regretted that dye job.
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