Temporary McPie

So apparently I McPie am some sort of temp genius, I mean 2.5 hours of testing later I received an 8 and rumor has it, no one has ever gotten a 9 (there is no 10 and most people score 5 sometimes 6).  As silly an ego boost this is, it is an ego boost none the less.  I walked out of my interview this morning feeling rather tall I must say.  Then I went straight to the social security office to order a new card and was thrown in a room with 50 some odd strangers and had to wait like the rest of them, apparently that 8 I received did absolutely nothing for my status.  This isn't actually what I wanted to write about but I had to brag...you know how it is.

I have been thoroughly busy since early yesterday morning and it has felt really good.  Yesterday afternoon, I actually made it to the gym for the first time in a couple months.  No one was there, this could have been a bad thing considering I generally pace myself with some one on a neighboring treadmill or feel the need to work hard just in case someone happens to look at me, I mean there is no way I am going to half ass it if there are people in the gym (also when I am bored but must keep going, I make up stories in my head about the inevitable crazy person on the bike in the corner, it really makes time fly I tell you).  I got on the machine anyway (assuming this was going to be thoroughly boring) and decided I wasn't going to push it as it has been so long, I am at a high altitude and I am not totally confident that I have been getting the proper nutrition lately.  So i picked my music (I am kind of a freak by the way when it comes to work out music, yes I can blast hip hop, but I can also blast Pachel Bell and get my heart rate up) today I decided to listen to an album I was listening to in July, the last time life didn't feel particularly close to perfect.  What happened when I began my 45 minutes of cardio is the last 6+ months of my life began playing back in my head AND in slow motion (yes I am aware slow motion six months in 45 minutes made no sense, but it happened).  At moments I would get really upset and my eyes would well up (these moments made me appreciate that I was alone in the gym) and then other moments I would become enraged and start singing out loud to the music (another set of moments when I relished being alone....actually, I think some janitorial staff came in saw me and ran out, I only think that because I saw the end of someone kicking the water stand, exit abruptly and not look back...and they were wearing a janitorial uniform).  When I finished my cardio and a bit of stretching I felt really good, it was incredibly cathartic (by the way, look up cathartic on dictionary.com, it's kinda ewwy). 

I know the key to this whole clean-slate new-life do-anything-I-want-to phase is to accept how I got here and that I AM here and that everything I am feeling is as temporary as the jobs I am about take on, maybe even more so, but knowing that I need to accept this and and actually accepting this are two very different things.  I don't think knowing is half the battle, I think knowing is one third of the battle, accepting it is another third, and moving on is the final third.  I think I am lingering still around the second third and also trying to move on at the same time which can make for a woozy stomach.  There is a lot of life I let go of less than a week ago and there is a lot of life in front of me and the transition is physically exhausting, thank goodness this place has a fantastic bathtub.

p.s. I will do everything I can to go to the gym sometime in the next hour and this time, I will listen to music without lyrics....I don't trust myself right now, even if I am alone again in the gym, you never know.